Cancer: The key words for this next year of your life are: Abundance, Friendship, Acceptance, Commitment and Quality Coitus. To help you make the most out of it, please adopt some of these sayings. From Louise Hay, “I’m in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.” From fellow Cancerian Will Ferrell, “My personal philosophy: Clothing optional!” From Alfred Kinsey, “A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you.”
Leo: The Stars are happy to report that this month Jupiter, which brings great luck and ever expanding opportunities, will kick of a “Golden Era” in your life that will last more than a decade. If you’re looking for a better Horrorscope than this, your first move must be to pull your head out of your fanny. Your next move, prepare it for plenty of pats and reasons to strut!
Virgo: To help you fully rejoice this amazing July that will light up your life with great things the way the fireworks light up the Fourth of July, please be thankful, kind and positive. That’s pretty much all you have to do—besides have faith and remember this line from writer Alexander Wolcott: “Nothing risqué, nothing gained.”
Libra: Just in case you forgot, the best way to make yourself feel better is to help others feel better. What you give, you usually get back tenfold. Therefore, your anti-advice for the week comes from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia: “Dee is going to be a judge and you want to know why? Because judging other people is the greatest way to make yourself feel better.”
Scorpio: Here are your Big Questions to ponder for the week: 1) Why aren’t you creating more happiness in your life? 2) What does cheese say when you take its picture? 3) Why not you? 3a) Why not now? 42) Since big-breasted gals work at Hooters, then why don’t one-legged hotties work at IHOP?
Sagittarius: Due to some major—but very positive change – in both your social and work circles – tension for some folks will be running higher than Snoop Dogg in the midst of a concert tour. To help, trying going for long walks, spend a few minutes each day listening to the birds of summer singing and occasionally sing along to the D-O-Double G: “Keep groovin’, that’s what we doin’. And we gonna be together until your mom moves in.”
Capricorn: Since relationships, especially with friends and loved ones, will take center stage this July, please remind yourself daily how lucky and loved you are. And keep these things in mind: I) “Whoever said talk was cheap never tried talking to a lawyer.” LXIX) “Sex on TV or the computer won’t hurt you, unless you fall off.”
Aquarius: Just like the dynamic duo racing out to save Gotham City, the Stars are reporting great blessings are heading your way. So don’t be surprised if you find yourself making the following statements this July. A.) Holy cannoli, Batman! Did that really just happen? B) I’ve never felt more blessed. C) I’ve never felt better naked. V) Looks like we’re going to need to stock up on champagne and Gatorade!
Pisces: Clouds would like to pass on the following financial tips: Money can’t buy you love, but it can rent you affection. Money can’t make you happier, but it can make you more comfortable while searching for happiness. It’s fun when money sticks to you like honey—so long as you don’t mind the bees, bears and bums.
Aries: The biggest problem in life most Aries have is that sometimes they feel like they don’t deserve love, which is usually followed up with a self-destructive streak that resembles the thrashing King Kong gave New York. To help with this, please never forget that you are not an oversized monkey and love isn’t something you poop on and then throw at people.
Taurus: Your good luck t-shirt for the week is in your lucky colors of blue and sea green and should read: “It aint easy being this AWESOME!” Your lucky numbers are 6, 15 and 42. Your lucky word is “Creamsicle.” Your good luck statement is: “Damn, Skippy!” And your lucky message for the world: “Honk if you love Jesus. Send a text message while driving if you want to meet him.”
Gemini: Your key to success right now will be to walk away from any confrontations. Your key to a good holiday week will be to not drink and drive. Therefore, your new mantra: “I want to go to Bridgeport for the scenery and fishing, not to visit the ‘Bridgeport Hilton.’”