Capricorn: For the most part, Caps prefer to focus on the surface of life and to not delve too deeply into things like details, feelings, books, people, etc. But last year, and now in 2016, the Stars have been asking—and occasionally forcing—you folks to examine the inner parts of life more. And if you dare to do so, your rewards will come in the form of happiness and will make people stop thinking you’re about as deep as a bird bath.
Aquarius: 2016 promises to be good year for your intellectual and financial lives. Much of your success will be associated with your own intellectual evolvement. Of course, as we move forward we’ll have to leave some things behind, like old ideas and even some old friends. Therefore, please remember that true friendship is based on trust, commonalities, sarcasm, tomfoolery and substance abuse preferences.
Pisces: To make the most out of what promises to be a very promising new year, please adopt the following mottos. When you’re feeling frustrated: “You’ve cat to be kitten me.” When you’re trying to be accepting: “Everyone is an OCD nutcase about something.” And for when you’re in need of some hope, courtesy of Thomas Edison: “When you’ve exhausted all possibilities, remember this: You haven’t.”
Aries: It looks like change will again be a big theme for you for 2016. Luckily, the changes will all be for the best, though some may make you feel sad or confused for a spell. The keys for you will be to remember that your attitude is the only thing you can truly control and that he who laughs last, still laughs—and usually does so longest and sometimes until he tinkles a little bit.
Taurus: After what were probably a challenging couple of years, especially on the personal and relationship fronts, 2016 promises to be much easier and more enjoyable in those areas. To help you make the most out of it, accept spiritual strength and accept that most of the time when we feel like disappearing we really just want to be found, especially when we’re also making our clothes disappear.
Gemini: It looks like much of 2016 will be about testing relationships. Strong ones will grow stronger, weak ones will dissolve and help make room for new ones. Of course, the best way to test relationships is with multiple-choice questions with answers like A) You. B) Me. C) Us. D) Why don’t you go make love to yourself, you ass-hat.
Cancer: Here are you goals for the New Year. #1 Be the person your dog thinks you are. #2 Use deep breathing exercises to help keep calm—and if that doesn’t work, back up those exercises with large cocktails. #3 Appreciate everything life has brought to you, even the things that drive you to doing #2.
Leo: 2016 promises to be a very promising year for Leos. The keys will be to enjoy and accept success and abundance, since that will only enhance their attractions towards you. The Stars are also saying you should focus on enjoying how you achieve success almost as much as you enjoy the success itself. In other words, focus more on the foreplay of life’s love affair, and less on the happy endings.
Virgo: Well it looks like 2016 is going to be one of the best years of your life. If you want better news than that, well then you might need to remove you head from your rectum. To make the most out of 2016, be sure to put away some of your good fortune for the future, to share some of it with others, and to get rest because sometimes it helps to have a day be more useless than the “g” in lasagna.
Libra: The first half of 2016 will continue to bring prosperity into your life, a trend that will stay strong for the next few years. But while that will be enjoyable, it’s the latter half of the year that you should really look forward to. Starting in September, the pleasures of prosperity will start to show up as well. To help you prepare and enjoy it all, be thankful, and be sure to work on anything that’s going to make you feel good while scantily clad.
Scorpio: Since 2016 will focus on strong financial and friendship interests, it’s best that you put your positive thoughts and time into these endeavors. Therefore, your words of wisdom come from Mitch Albom: “Nothing haunts us like the things we didn’t say.” And your other words come from Clouds: “Talking is the third best thing you can do with your tongue.”
Sagittarius: The Stars are reporting that 2016 will be like a serving of mixed nuts for you. While you may be disappointed that it won’t just be one continual serving of cashews, almonds or donuts, you’re sure to enjoy it and reap its benefits so long as you stay determined to. Therefore, your words of wisdom come from Lewis Black: “If you stop eating donuts you’ll live three years longer. It’s just three more years you’ll want a donut.”