By Clouds McCloud

Taurus: Bull signers are loyal in love and have an innate ability to put the “duct” in seductive. That’s why you’d rarely hear a Taurus spouting out a cheesy line such as this one from fictional figure skater, Chazz Michael Michaels (though they happily adhere to it): “My personal philosophy: clothing optional.”

Gemini: Since Geminis are the types who are anal about some things yet completely careless about others, your assignment is to read a book by a famous wordsmith known for poor spelling. Someone such as William Faulkner, who once advised, “Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” Or perhaps, more fittingly for Geminis, Jane Austen, “Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.”

Cancer: It is with great honor and privilege that Clouds brings you this week’s message from the Stars: It would behoove you to start knocking boots about three times as often as you normally do, as lovemaking right now will benefit you physically, psychology and spiritually. If you want a better Horrorscope than this, you’re clearly suffering from some kind of head trauma and should seek medical help.

Leo: The Stars report that right now you’re surrounded by two types of people: Those who want you to succeed and those who can go suck an egg. Your key will be to recognize who’s who and allocate your energy accordingly. It’ll help to remember that the former will be positive and complimentary, whereas the latter will be negative and smell strange.

Virgo: In case you’ve been feeling like life doesn’t make much sense recently, please ponder these two things: A) “Happiness makes up in height, what it lacks in length.” B) Clouds’ dream has come true. Ass-trology is sharing the same section of the newspaper with shots of scantily clad people who put the “x” in sexy biatches!

Libra: Right now you’re in the midst of a period when friends will be able to help change your life in incredible ways. To help, remember that a true friend asks nothing of you but friendship, while a fake friend asks you for things such as friendship-with-benefits, including a dental plan.

Scorpio: To help Scorpios embrace life in a new way, here are your new mantras: 1) A classic Scorpio line to be used whenever necessary, “I seem to have found your nose and it’s in my business again.” 2) Alice in Wonderland’s reply to the Mad Hatter: “You’re entirely bonkers, but I’ll tell you a secret: all the best people are.”

Sagittarius: The Stars warn that you’re liable to get into arguments with a loved one this week. The key will be to not say anything you’ll regret for the rest of your life, and remember that making up is sometimes worth the fight. To help make up with an amorous partner, try this line: “You’re more than just a pretty face to me. You’ve got a great can, too.”

Capricorn: The Stars are aligning nicely for travel for the people of this earth sign. It’s a big Earth after all, and it always seems like the more you travel the bigger it gets. But that’s okay, because we’re Americans and we like things big, damn it! This helps explain why Alpers Monster trout, Big Macs and Keystone Ice are so popular.

Aquarius: Sometimes the good people of this sign get too full of themselves and turn off people who could easily bring more joy, perspective and success into their lives. So instead of turning people off, find more reasons to laugh. These Tweets should help: #Never be afraid of a hospital visit, that’s what the bills are for. #Please make sure you’ve got it before you flaunt it. #The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate.

Pisces: Since change can often be a good thing, here are few sure signs that you might need some change in your life soon. 1.) It’s 9 a.m., you’re drinking a 40 ounce and you actually know where your pants are. II.) You’re living in the back of someone else’s van. Cubed) You consider “Onion Dip” a vegetable.

Aries: Members of this sign are exceptional at living in the now. While this trait is undoubtedly an asset, sometimes Aries forget that if you don’t learn from your past, you’re destined to let it turn you into an ass. Therefore, your words of wisdom will come from psychologist Carl Jung: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”