By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: To help you shake off of any close-minded negativity that sometimes sweeps over Cancerians, remember that worrying never changes the outcome. It’s all about mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter. The love we give is the love we get, so make sure your love life is as hot and sweet as Chinese food — and that you’re hungry for more in a few hours.
Leo: Your role model for the week is the late George Harrison, who was once told by his Beatles bandmate, Paul McCartney, that he’d never write a hit song. Shaking off the negativity, the “Quiet Beatle” would go on to write numerous hits including “Something” and “While My Guitar Gentle Weeps.” Therefore, use any negativity as fuel and sing along with George: “Here comes the sun and I say, it’s all right.”
Virgo: Your new role model is former one-armed pitcher Jim Abbott. Just before throwing his only no-hitter, the fellow Virgo had been shelled and couldn’t even make it through four innings. As Abbott explained, “I was wondering how I was going to turn it around, and then five days later I had one of the greatest moments of my whole life. So you might be down now, but you don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.”
Libra: Life might be treating you like a game of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots,” but here are some words to live by: 1) Momentum starts with a moment. 2) Never play “Leap Frog” with a unicorn. 69) Your lucky numbers are 6 & 9. 111) No matter how slow you go, you’re still way ahead of everybody sitting on a couch or a barstool.
Scorpio: If a woman in Hong Kong catches her husband cheating, she can legally kill him. The catch: she can only use her bare hands. This is bad news for anyone cheating on a Scorpio, because she’ll easily be able to use her bare hands to rip your arms off like you’re a Raggedy Andy doll and then shove them someplace the sun rarely shines. Lesson: Mess with a scorpion, you’re gonna get stung.
Sagittarius: Your pieces of semi–useless information for the week are as follows: Teeth are the only part of the human body that can’t repair themselves. The human thighbone is harder than concrete. Humans are the only animals who blush or cry tears. Frowning uses more muscles than smiling does, but also burns more calories.
Capricorn: With your love life lighting up like a sparkler, Clouds thought you might appreciate a few random conversation tidbits. 1) Making love is considered to be 20 times as relaxing as taking a Valium. B) 85% of men who have heart attacks while having intercourse are cheating on their wives. Third) According to Bob Hope, “Happiness is watching TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.”
Aquarius: Since honesty, patience and resolve are what you need this month, your role model is TV host Anderson Cooper, who recently admitted he putts from the rough. On life: “I think you have to be yourself, and you have to be real and admit what you don’t know.” On covering hurricanes: “I imagine a lot of people tune in simply to watch reporters get bitch-slapped by Mother Nature. And frankly, who can blame them?”
Pisces: The Stars say that you’ve got some good financial karma coming your way. Your keys: remember to be thankful, generous and regularly adopt Woody Allen’s line: “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Aries: It looks as though the month of July will improve for you as it swiftly moves along. Therefore be advised that the best time for travel will come at the end of the month, and that your power to positively influence people will be strong as the force was with Luke Skywalker.
Taurus: Breaking news from the Stars: you’re going to be busier than the guy assigned to follow the horses with a pooper-scooper during the Fourth of July parade. To help you make hay while the sun is shinning, try to write things down so you don’t forget anything major, and try not to do anything you’ll need years of counseling to get over.
Gemini: The Stars report that mentally you’re sharper than a tack right now, and could pretty much charm the pants off anybody you wanted to. So here’s a tacky line to get you started: “Excuse me, but I’m putting the puzzle of my life together and I think you’re the hot piece I’m missing.”Share Email This Post