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By Clouds McCloud

Libra: Money matters will be the focus of the next year of your life. Therefore, please give yourself some positive financial juju for your birthday like adopting one of these: For your attitude towards work, Henry Ford: “A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business.” For your spending habits, Thomas Jefferson, “Never spend your money before you have earned it.” For handling success, Robin Williams, “Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.”

Scorpio: Since the number one things Clouds wants Scorpios to work on right now is faith, please take a few moments everyday to be faithful. Grooving out to mindful tunes from John Mayer might help: “Belief is a beautiful armor that makes for the heaviest swords … We’re never gonna win the world. We’re never gonna stop the war. We’re never gonna beat this if belief is what we’re fighting for.”

Sagittarius: So long as you’re willing to listen, there’s some helpful and healing, albeit a bit uncomfortable, truth out there for you. Therefore, your words to ponder will come from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s: “Let me tell you something with absolute honesty and concern for your well being, Tom Brady would kick your ass.”

Capricorn: We’re all given creative gifts of some sort or another. And the easiest way to tap into it is through our psyche’s most basic creative urge: sex. That’s because ultimately, we like sex because that’s where creativity and connectivity hang out. Therefore, your new chorus comes from recent Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, NWA: “Express yourself.”

Aquarius: It’s a fairly well known piece of almost useless information that Elvis Presley died while sitting on the can. To help you avoid such a rear end-focused ending, try focusing on places that make you feel most alive. Then go there. As the King once said, “Ambition is a dream with a V-8 engine.”

Pisces: Your assignment for the week is to choose two of the following three musical lyrics to add to your life’s soundtrack. A.) “Everything gives you cancer. There’s no cure, there’s no answer.” REM #2.) “Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt.” Sir Mix-A-Lot #!.) “Let it be.” The Beatles

Aries: Family and career will be taking center stage in your life right now. To help make sure things go smoothly give the Gong Show treatment to anything that tries to steal the spotlight from your family or ultimate career goals. In case you forgot, the Gong Show treatment requires a large gong and someone—preferably a semi-celebrity—to knock the snot out of it.

Taurus: The Stars report that good karma is heading toward your career. To help make the most of this, please adopt a confident and positive attitude. Donning a new good luck t-shirt in your lucky colors of sea green and silver should help, especially if it states something like: “I Poop Excellence!”

Gemini: This month will offer you plenty of chances for short getaways. Be sure to take advantage of any such opportunities. For as we all know, opportunity doesn’t always knock twice, sometimes it rings the bell or just sits in the car and honks the horn. Apparently, opportunity has the patience of a two-year old.

Cancer: Your Horrorscope is being highlighted by relationships. So it looks like this is the perfect time for you to make strides in your professional, familial and, best of all (because it has the kinkiest potential), your romantic relationships. To help with the latter here’s a classic to try, “You must be Jamaican, because you’re Jamaican me horny.”

Leo: Laughter is good for the soul, mind and cheek muscles. Laughter is also the closest any of us ever get to rekindling the pure joy for life we knew as kids, which is your new assignment. These quotes should help: From Shel Silverstein, “Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me … Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” And from Tom Cruise, “I love kids. I was a kid myself, once.”

Virgo: Right now, you’re in the midst of a romantic rekindling the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Romeo met Juliet or Mitt Romney met a microphone. To help make the most of it, try writing a poem to your loved one. It can consist of the reasons you love that person—even if you’re still searching—or be about the ways (some of which may be illegal in Tennessee) you want to love ‘em.

By Clouds McCloud

Libra: The next year of your life promises to advance career goals. So  make some time to write down your goals—even the ones other people might make fun of, like reenacting scenes from Office Space: “The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.”

Scorpio: Scorpios occasionally suffer from an affliction known as “self hatred.”  Since nothing positive ever comes out of this, here’s the cure: practice forgiveness, redemption and self-love. To help get you started, try telling your body you love and forgive it, or at least tell it that Clouds would love to love it.

Sagittarius: It really comes down to this: you can have anything you want—but there’s a catch. What you want must also be beneficial to others. While this certainly doesn’t rule out dreams of becoming a politician or an adult film star, it means that maybe the best way to accomplish your goals is by making your special someone feel like he/she is the latter, too.

Capricorn: To help you have a wondrous autumn, your new hero is the original “Pretty Boy” Floyd. When Floyd would rob banks during the Great Depression he’d usually stop long enough to destroy the bank’s mortgage records, freeing those who’d been indebted to the bank. He became a hero. Therefore, try to be a little more heroic as you blast your way towards success.

Aquarius: The Stars are asking you to take life slow and steady this month. They’re afraid you might try to take on too much and we wouldn’t want you to go and spontaneously combust like a microwaved burrito! Therefore, always remember that the key to life is moderation, and the key to a good microwave burrito is to wash it down with cheap beer.

Pisces: It looks like this would be a good time for a wise investment, which not only rules out buying a copy of the Fifty-Center, it also means you could catch a lucky break. Here’s hoping you don’t break the bank, although with the recent economy, it may already be too late for that.

Aries: Despite the fact that we’re still in the midst of the “national recession” there’s no reason to be depressed or stressed out (they’re a total waste of energy). To help, add some positive vibrations to your soundtrack, like this one from Timbuk 3: “Things are going great and they’re only getting better. I’m doin’ alright, gettin’ good grades. The future’s so bright I’ve gotta wear shades.”

Taurus: The Stars are reporting that you’ve just entered a period when you’ll be more eloquent than a seasoned politician. Therefore, don’t push your luck by drunk-texting anything like these lines. From Bob Dole: “Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time.” From President Bush #2: “They misunderestimated me!” And from the late Teddy Kennedy: “They don’t call me ‘Tyrannosaurus Sex’ for nothing.”

Gemini: Your new assignment is to live life as if your soul is eternal. This can be tough, because most of us spend so much time worrying about today, tomorrow or last Tuesday morning that we forget that we have more days than we’ll use anyway. So here’s hoping your life becomes a series of Saturday afternoons and not Saturday afternoons during Christmas week at Vons.

Cancer: Your new role model will be a Whirling Dervish, which are members of a Turkish sect who believe the path to enlightenment and the best way to praise Allah aka God is by whirling around in a circle. Therefore, work on discovering your own unique path to enlightenment, and if it makes you want to don a tie-dye and spin around to some Grateful Dead tunes, you’re moving in the right direction.

Leo: The Stars wanted to let you know that the only thing that’s preventing you from accomplishing your dreams is that you don’t spend enough time dreaming about them. Therefore, you new assignment is to work on creative visualization. You know, actively daydream about your dream life and whatever you do, don’t let reality stand in your way. It never slowed down people like Khloe Kardashian or Mitt Romney.

Virgo: To properly celebrate the onset of autumn, Clouds is asking you to spend the next month figuring out how you can refocus on your dreams and goals in life and reconnect with people who are important to you. If by “reconnect” you think Clouds is referring to something sexual, give yourself a pat on the back and/or fanny.

By Clouds McCloud

Virgo: The recent New Moon brought you a few birthday gifts. They consist of your biggest dreams in life, but there’s a catch. If you just rip them open as though you’re the Cookie Monster and they’re packages of Oreos, then you’ll get nothing but crumbs. If you can, on the other hand, figure out how to more gingerly open them, you’re sure to feel happier than Elmo when he’s being tickled.

Libra: Most Libras tend to occasionally get awash in their own wishy-washiness. To help you become more solid, find some solace in the words of Ron Swanson from “Parks and Rec.”: 1) “Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” 2) “It’s never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teet.” 3) “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’”

Scorpio: Your new assignment is pretty darn simple, unless you have mistaken this newspaper for rolling papers and might want to think about become literate or at least buying a pipe: Do what makes you feel good about your whole life, not just moments of it. Since Clouds wants to see you happy, and not simply strung out on sniffing glue or diet soda, your new bumper sticker is: “Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War!”

Sagittarius: This sign is represented by the archer, although that doesn’t necessarily make you folks good bow hunters or baseball bunters or even football punters. What it does make you are great friends to have, and bad people to piss off … unless that person likes to have parts such as hearts, egos and libidos skewered along with some peppers and onions like an end of the summer barbecue at your Uncle Regret’s house.

Capricorn: To celebrate the end of another summer, please add some new tunes to your life’s soundtrack. Clouds has recently added these two. From pop star Carly Rae Jepsen: “Before you came into my life I missed you so bad.” And from SoCal reggae band, The Dirty Heads: “I-aa, I-aa-m spread way to thin. What’s the big rush now? Tell me why you’re rush-in’?”

Aquarius: The next couple of weeks will be a great time for you to join a new club. Perhaps you could become a Rotarian or a Thespian or a Plebian or a Martial Artist or an Anti-fart-ist or Sierra Club-er or a Group Hug-er. Just don’t join anything akin to a “Paul Ryan Women’s Rights” group. There’s no point in being lonely.

Pisces: With autumn making its way in like wild horses headed towards warmer climes, this would be a good time to lay off the reins of your life for a while. Instead of running your butt off, try spending more time hanging at the stable with your posse. You’ll probably even get rewarded with some rubdowns or big carrots.

Aries: In Chile, donkey milk is considered liquid Viagra. While this may seem like a useless piece of information, that is unless you’re trying to get a piece in Chile, it might actually come in handy, as it appears your power to attract others will be stronger than the legendary stubbornness of Equus asinus. Your key: don’t make an ass out of yourself.

Taurus: This autumn will bring with it a wonderful opportunity to begin the next chapter of your life. Luckily, Clouds has a copy of the Cliff Notes. Unfortunately, Clouds only likes to read the dirty parts. Therefore, be advised that it’s best to “get dirty” with someone you love, not with someone whose name you can’t remember.

Gemini: The Stars are asking many signs, including yours, to be careful when traveling this month. To help make sure you keep bouncing through life happier than a kid in a candy store, try to use any protection you’ve got: seat belts, helmets, bungee cords, laughter, sports bras and the phrase, “No thanks. I’d rather stay home and watch movies on Lifetime.”

Cancer: Since the Stars are asking you to take more “Me time” and rejoice in yourself, Clouds suggests you get yourself a new t-shirt in sea green or silver (two of your lucky colors) that reads something along the lines of, “Screw World Peace. I Want a Pony!”

Leo: Positive financial mojo is headed your way like a home run sailing towards the cheap seats. To help make the most out of your personal Pennant Drive, your advice comes from baseball’s Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson: “It’s all between the ears. Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right either way.”

By Clouds McCloud

Virgo: Your birthday gifts-to-yourself mantras are: 1) “Don’t be insecure, be humble.” B) “And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, try to love yourself … STDs are on the rise nationally.” Cubed) Courtesy of a saucy, sausage serving local breakfast waitress, “I don’t settle for less, I settle for more.”

Libra: The Stars recommend that you tap into your sixth sense right now. To make sure you understand this clearly, your sixth sense is your intuition, not to be confused with your seventh sense, horniness, or your eighth sense, BS detecting.

Scorpio: One of the greatest traits Scorpios possess is a natural ability to get back up after you’ve been knocked down. And usually, you get up tougher, stronger and a lot more pissed off. Your new assignment: remember that what doesn’t break us just makes us stronger, and usually leaves some sexy scars.

Sagittarius: To help the new school year start off right, adapt the following Ron Burgundy responses to some of life’s challenges. When you don’t feel like talking: “What? Were you saying something? Look, I don’t speak Spanish.” When dealing with frustration: “You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not mad. That’s amazing.” When trying to get lucky: “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

Capricorn: Just in case some of you have forgotten — which is highly likely since life just got done putting you through the spin cycle — Clouds reminds you that nothing is impossible. Therefore, your magical questions for life are: 1) What’s your ideal day? 5) What qualities do you most respect in others, beside nudity? 10) Why don’t you always choose happiness when it’s the most logical choice?

Aquarius: The Stars advise that the next month will be a good time for Aquarians to bump into their soul mates, or perhaps just re-spark bumping uglies. Either way, there’ll be lots of souls and bumping. Your line for the week: “If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right, unless we’re arguing.”

Pisces: It looks as though you’re entering a time when your powers of connection will be on Super Drive. Of course, Super Drive is just above Comfortably Cruising and just below Ludicrous. Therefore, abide by all road rules and don’t waste any karmic energy by giving fellow drivers a One-Fingered Salute.

Aries: Since Aries’ special color is red and since Aries often have red faces from running around after life like a ram on Red Bull, Clouds thought it only fitting that your new motto should come from fellow Aries, David Letterman: “There is no off position on the genius switch.”

Taurus: Your role model for the week is a former Indian chief, not to be confused with Robert “The Chief” Parish, who always wore a red shirt to battle. He did this so that if he ever got hit then the enemy wouldn’t know he was bleeding. The Indian chief, however, understood that it takes more than bravery to be a great leader. Upon hearing of an immanent attack by a tribe twice his size, the Chief called out: “Get me my brown pants!” Sometimes you gotta fake it ‘til you make it.

Gemini: Since most schools are now back in session, here are some educational quotes. From Oscar Wilde: “I’m not young enough to know everything.” And from Clouds: “If you can’t learn well, you should at least enjoy being ingnorant.”

Cancer: To be honest, which always beats lying, we all have a few flaws. They’re easy to spot because they’re usually things we don’t like about other people. Clouds suggests working on your flaws by embracing people that drive you nuts. This doesn’t mean you have to embrace them for long, or that you must be wearing pants when doing so.

Leo: As the world continues to evolve, people are realizing that mindset is the most important power in life. After all, when you honestly assess life, it’s really just a matter of — and occasionally an all out war between — mind over matter. As an example, Clouds offers up the following truisms. From Mark Twain: “If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” From Clouds “I’d love to wrap my mind, and some other parts, around your matter.”

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: It looks as though the next year will see you cool cats making steady progress towards your dreams. The keys will be determination, patience, regular heavy petting sessions and staying positive. Memorizing this line from Ralph Waldo Emerson will also help: “Every minute you remain mad, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.”

Virgo: Since life is like a long journey down a winding river, and since you’re always the captain of your own boat, you should probably get ready to holler out a “High Side,” as you’re about to head in a new direction across uncharted waters. Naturally, that’s the only direction you’d want to go in anyway, so put on your life jacket and refresh your drink.

Libra: The recent new moon shed some powerful light on your career. Your key to capitalizing on this is to somehow balance career and family for the next few weeks. Since this might seem akin to juggling chainsaws, try a new motto such as: “Crazy is really a relative term.”

Scorpio: There’s an old saying that goes, “An unquestioned faith is a dead faith.” This could help as you power through a time when self-doubt might be trying to tackle you. A new mantra would also help, although probably not this one: “We came, we saw, we farted.”

Sagittarius: Members of this sign are “outdoorsy” people. Therefore, you hearty members of this sign have the most luck in love when you give your heart to people who are also “outdoorsy” or at least people who like to go “au natural” regularly. Since this is a good time for you to start or renew a romance, here’s a starter line that should help: “Have we gone camping, because looking at you is setting my marshmallows on fire?!”

Capricorn: You might be feeling like life, especially the familial part of it, is a spandex body suit two sizes too small, and you’re wearing it while trying to run hurdles or do the Jane Fonda workout. To help maintain balance, don’t adopt this Jane Fonda theory: “If you’re ever in a situation where you’re not getting served or you can’t get what you need, just cry.”

Aquarius: The Stars stress that you do whatever you need —w ithin the confines of the law, though maybe not the laws in Utah or Alabama — to handle any stress life tosses at you. Be sure to find time for a walk, a laugh or have your love slave treat you like the King, Queen or both that you are. Then everything should roll along like a royal carriage.

Pisces: Since life is currently asking you to shake things up a bit, here are a couple nuggets of advice. The first comes from Joel Osteen: “God doesn’t want to you to just survive, but to thrive.” The other comes from Clouds: “God also wants you to hug often and to occasionally celebrate like the heavens are throwing a keg party in your honor.”

Aries: Your power of transformation is very high right now. How high, you might ask? How about higher than Ridgemont High’s Jeff Spicoli when he had pizza delivered to his history class. To help harness your power, take it easy on your favorite substance and adopt a new motto like Spicoli’s: “All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I’m fine.”

Taurus: As summer begins to wane and the days start to go faster than a bag of Doritos sitting in front of Buddha, Clouds thought this advice from the Dalai Lama might help: “Whenever you’re having a negative thought mediate on its positive opposite.” For example, when you’re angry, think about love. Or, you could just throw a hissy fit. Up to you.

Gemini: The Stars remind you that failure, like farting, is a part of life. But what’s really important isn’t getting knocked down, or how bad you can stink up the car, it’s about having the courage to get back up or to apologize, or to at least roll down the window. Therefore, your new mission is to make sure you keep getting back up. The Stars will be there to dust you off and supply some Febreze.

Cancer: Trix are for kids, but a fast talker can trick anyone every now and again. To help make sure that the only “Trix” in your life this month are floating in milk, realize that you’re incredibly attractive to everyone else, especially right now. But keep in mind that some of those you attract won’t be nearly as lucky as a rabbit’s foot.

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: Now that splendors of August have arrived, life for Lions should steadily improve for a long time to come. To help it all go down smooth, adopt one of these two mottos: 1) From fellow Leo Jerry Garcia, “Whichever way your pleasure tends. If you plant ice you’re gonna harvest wind.” b) You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

Virgo: As we all know, loose lips sink ships. So, be on the lookout for torpedoes in the shape of other people’s mouths. This doesn’t mean you have to sound the alarm every time you hear something alarming. It just means you should ignore the comments, grab a drink — one that includes a little umbrella — and head to the sun deck.

Libra: If, as the old ad slogan suggests, weekends were made for Michelob then it only makes sense that Mondays were made for Mickeys, Tuesdays for tequila and Wednesdays for, well, humping. With that cleared up, remember that booze is best when used in moderation, and not treated like it owes you money or dissed your dog.

Scorpio: Every single one of us, regardless of age, gender or race, is addicted to something. It’s human nature and, if not abused, our addictions can often help us. There are, however, certain addictions that are nothing but bad: crack, pornography, grand theft, Grand Theft Auto, bungee jumping naked and the worst one of all, fear. Your new mission is to get back to being addicted to joy, wonder and partial nudity.

Sagittarius: In case you’ve forgotten, people born under this sign are blessed with optimism, freedom and a terrific sense of humor. The people of this sign are also known for being careless, restless and occasionally tactless. Now that we’ve gotten that out the way, your new assignment is be more patient and tasteful. And to adopt this saying: “He who laughs last probably didn’t get it.”

Capricorn: This is the tenth and the most down-to-earth sign. Therefore, the folks of this sign are practical and ambitious and are never afraid to roll up their sleeves and get after it. But as we all know, all work and no play makes Jack and all the rest of us dull, depressed and stressed out. So make sure you get some “me time” and that you spend some of that time going “commando.”

Aquarius: To help you make the most out of the last full month of summer, heed the following suggestions: 1) Quit drinking Haterade. 2) Never make eye contact while eating a banana. 3) Just rub some dirt on it. IV) Never let the bastards get you down!

Pisces: Your lessons for the beginning of August are as follows: 1) You can make a right turn down the wrong street. 2) The best part of being schizophrenic is that you’re never lonely. 3) Love is what you deserve, but must be brave enough to embrace completely. Q) Never fry bacon in the nude.

Aries: It looks as though relationships are being highlighted for you this month. To help, here are a  few relationship tips: 1) If the other person requires a tip, you really shouldn’t consider it dating. 2) True love is taking care of someone who’s hammered and slurring obscenities at shrubbery. 3) And from Kaiser Wilhelm: “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.””

Taurus: The Stars warn that you should watch your stress levels this month and make sure you relieve them. If that means you have to do some Jazzercise or rub someone else’s thighs or bake your own pizza pies or laugh until you cry, then adopt the Nike motto and “Just do it!” As Clouds’ hero, Dave Barry, once wrote: “You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.”

Gemini: Your August should be as full as Clouds’ cooler on the way to a fishing hole. To make sure you’re feeling groovy, be sure you also make time for some healthy stuff: hiking, biking … bedroom aerobics. And remember the old saying, “Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean … against bars, tables, poles, friends, soon-to-be-soggy enemies, poodles, etc.”

Cancer: This month is going to afford plenty of time for you to figure out what you really want out of life. Naturally, they’ll be a little struggle, a moment or two of self-doubt and stress may mess with you some. To help keep you strong, remember these words from Benjamin Franklin: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: Your role model for the next few weeks will be the nearsighted ne’er-do-well known as Mr. Quincy Magoo. You see, Mr. Magoo was always able to turn his biggest weakness (besides his eyesight) into his biggest strength: He refused to accept defeat. If you can try to be more steadfast and positive like Mr. Magoo, then you might just find what you’ve long been looking for.

Virgo: One of Clouds’ favorite people in Mammoth Lakes, former mayor Skip Harvey, passed away last week. Since Skip was so easy to make laugh and because he was such an active community member, your new assignment is to do something positive for your community (i.e. volunteer for something, clean up trash, stop complaining out loud) and to share something that makes you laugh (such as, “You’re never too old to do something stupid.”)

Libra: It looks as though this would be a good time for you to think about your dreams and make some plans to achieve them. Here’s hoping your plans are better thought out than the following one from Austin Powers: “First, I’m going to soil myself. Then I’m going to regroup and come up with a better plan.”

Scorpio: For some inexplicable reason, Scorpios tend to forget about the rules of karma, and then get frustrated when things and people don’t work out the way they’d planned. Therefore, your new mantra is: “When in need, plant a seed.” And your new good luck motto: “When life gives you lemons, add some vodka and throw a party!”

Sagittarius: Your big questions about the universe are: Why do they put pockets on baby clothes? Why do we sometimes feel like a nut and sometimes we don’t? Why don’t they call it a Few-some? And last, but certainly not least, Why don’t we all just accept that happiness is what life is really all about and quit our incessant complaining? Unless, of course, we’re complaining about being too worn out from all our boot-knocking.

Capricorn: Your love life should start getting about as hot as a campfire and since studies have shown shared laughter helps create great lovemaking, incorporate the following into your daily life: A) “Looks like there’s no reason to pitch your tent, you’ve already pitched mine.” B). “I’d really love to have text with you.” X) “Just wanted you to know that you’re in my inappropriate thoughts.”

Aquarius: The Stars report that this is the perfect time for you to make new friends or business acquaintances. So get out there and be your friendly self, and in case you want to keep your special friend happy and feeling wanted, try this line: “You know how I spell relief? Y-O-U! And when necessary, Y-O-U-R-S-T-R-U-L-Y!”

Pisces: The good — and sometimes inebriated — people of New Zealand got so fed up with their fellow countrymen giving their children moronic names, that they banned numerous names, such as “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii,” “Fish and Chips,” and Clouds’ favorite, “Keenan Got Lucky.”  Luckily, names such as “#26, ” “Kathy” and “Skip” are still allowed, which reminds Clouds that your lucky numbers are 2 and 6.

Aries: With the recent new moon falling during the golden summer days of Leo, your social life is bound to take a boost. To make the most out of it, here are a few lines from Leo and former Golden Girl, the late Estelle Getty: 1) “Age does not bring you wisdom, age brings you wrinkles.” 2) “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.” 3) “You can do anything you want to do.”

Taurus: Your new assignment is a pretty simple, although multifaceted, one: Remember to stop and smell the roses, to skip through the peonies, dance barefoot in the grass, skinny dip under the stars and regularly use the words “Thanks,” “Love” and “You make me happier than a horny toad on Viagra.”

Gemini: This next month will be the perfect time to work on your career. The Stars say they’ll help you leap tall buildings in a single bound, make progress faster than a speeding bullet and tap in to your potential like it’s a fresh keg. Unfortunately, you’re hosed on the X-ray vision part, but some things are better felt than seen anyway.

Cancer: Statistically speaking, you’re more likely to become a millionaire if you went to public school instead of private or home school. Unless, that is, you get home schooled by Donald Trump, in which case you’ll be a millionaire, but will always feel like your still missing something in life — a good hair role model, for example. Remember that even money and a comb-over can’t make you happy.

By Clouds McCloud

Cancer: To help you shake off of any close-minded negativity that sometimes sweeps over Cancerians, remember that worrying never changes the outcome. It’s all about mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter. The love we give is the love we get, so make sure your love life is as hot and sweet as Chinese food — and that you’re hungry for more in a few hours.

Leo: Your role model for the week is the late George Harrison, who was once told by his Beatles bandmate, Paul McCartney, that he’d never write a hit song. Shaking off the negativity, the “Quiet Beatle” would go on to write numerous hits including “Something” and “While My Guitar Gentle Weeps.” Therefore, use any negativity as fuel and sing along with George: “Here comes the sun and I say, it’s all right.”

Virgo: Your new role model is former one-armed pitcher Jim Abbott. Just before throwing his only no-hitter, the fellow Virgo had been shelled and couldn’t even make it through four innings. As Abbott explained, “I was wondering how I was going to turn it around, and then five days later I had one of the greatest moments of my whole life. So you might be down now, but you don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

Libra: Life might be treating you like a game of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots,” but here are some words to live by: 1) Momentum starts with a moment. 2) Never play “Leap Frog” with a unicorn. 69) Your lucky numbers are 6 & 9. 111) No matter how slow you go, you’re still way ahead of everybody sitting on a couch or a barstool.

Scorpio: If a woman in Hong Kong catches her husband cheating, she can legally kill him. The catch: she can only use her bare hands. This is bad news for anyone cheating on a Scorpio, because she’ll easily be able to use her bare hands to rip your arms off like you’re a Raggedy Andy doll and then shove them someplace the sun rarely shines. Lesson: Mess with a scorpion, you’re gonna get stung.

Sagittarius: Your pieces of semi–useless information for the week are as follows: Teeth are the only part of the human body that can’t repair themselves. The human thighbone is harder than concrete. Humans are the only animals who blush or cry tears. Frowning uses more muscles than smiling does, but also burns more calories.

Capricorn: With your love life lighting up like a sparkler, Clouds thought you might appreciate a few random conversation tidbits. 1) Making love is considered to be 20 times as relaxing as taking a Valium. B) 85% of men who have heart attacks while having intercourse are cheating on their wives. Third) According to Bob Hope, “Happiness is watching TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.”

Aquarius: Since honesty, patience and resolve are what you need this month, your role model is TV host Anderson Cooper, who recently admitted he putts from the rough. On life: “I think you have to be yourself, and you have to be real and admit what you don’t know.” On covering hurricanes: “I imagine a lot of people tune in simply to watch reporters get bitch-slapped by Mother Nature. And frankly, who can blame them?”

Pisces: The Stars say that you’ve got some good financial karma coming your way. Your keys: remember to be thankful, generous and regularly adopt Woody Allen’s line: “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

Aries: It looks as though the month of July will improve for you as it swiftly moves along. Therefore be advised that the best time for travel will come at the end of the month, and that your power to positively influence people will be strong as the force was with Luke Skywalker.

Taurus: Breaking news from the Stars: you’re going to be busier than the guy assigned to follow the  horses with a pooper-scooper during the Fourth of July parade. To help you make hay while the sun is shinning, try to write things down so you don’t forget anything major, and try not to do anything you’ll need years of counseling to get over.

Gemini: The Stars report that mentally you’re sharper than a tack right now, and could pretty much charm the pants off anybody you wanted to. So here’s a tacky line to get you started: “Excuse me, but I’m putting the puzzle of my life together and I think you’re the hot piece I’m missing.”

By Clouds McCloud

Cancer: Since the next month will prove challenging to your personal and professional relationships, the Stars think that if you can keep your cool and be extra compassionate and patient with people you’ll be greatly rewarded later in the year. To help, don’t adopt a saying such as this one: “You make me wish I had more middle fingers!”

Leo: In honor of the passing of one of Clouds literary heroines, Nora Ephron, you words of wisdom will come from the late Oscar-winning writer. 1) “Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.” 2) “The tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.” 3) “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”

Virgo: Your latest Clouds’ lessons about Virgos, whose symbol is the Virgin, often depicted with wings, is: Sometimes you’re the bird, sometimes you’re the poop-covered statue. But heck, even when things are at their nadir, at least you’ve got your own statue, and you’re bound to get cleaned up sooner or later. The best the rest of us can hope for is a bobble-head doll and a car wash.

Libra: The great news for you is that the Stars are sending Venus your way soon, which should help cheer you up by allowing you to speak with the eloquence of a poet. In case you’d like to use this gift to help get some dirty talk going with your favorite scribe, try this line out: “I like you so much I’d happily have a dysfunctional relationship with you.”

Scorpio: The Stars report that life looks very positive for you so long as you obey one rule: think before speaking. The only thing that could temporarily derail your eminent happiness is if you were to say something like this to a loved one or co-worker: “This is not a damn cheer-osity! So shove a pom-pom in it! I’ll make all the damn cheer-cisions around here!”

Sagittarius: Your magic letter for the summer is P … as in Powerful, Potential, Promises, Peonies and Pu Pu Platters. Therefore, be advised that most American Chinese food places are packed full of MSG, which is a poor man’s tryptophan, and that your life can be perfect so long as you don’t try to pour down too many shots of Purple Passion.

Capricorn: To help remind you that attitude is everything, ponder the following quotes. From Willie Nelson, “We create our own unhappiness. The purpose of suffering is to help us understand we are the ones who cause it.” And from Conan O’Brien, referencing the lousy reputation associated with the Garden State, “New Jersey is what makes New Jersey look bad.”

Aquarius: It looks like this is the last down week you’re going to get for a while, so you’d better make the most of it and do practically nothing. Any rest and “me time’ you get will come in handy because before you know it you’ll find yourself grabbing life by the haunches and hollering out “Yee Haw!”

Pisces: The Stars say good money karma is coming your way. To make the most out of this, get your finances in order, don’t make any impulse buys and be thankful. Adopting a new motto would be wise too, so long as isn’t this one: “Blacking out after too much drinking is your mind’s way of clearing its browser history.”

Aries: Be warned that an ass-trological lesson is taking place, and that messin’ with Biggie or Clouds, it ain’t safe. You see it never pays to be a hater, it only works to be an appreciator. So if you don’t want your life to get all mashed like an Idaho potato, try to love others the way most white people love mayo.

Taurus: Your rules for life for this summer are as follows: #7) What goes around always comes around, usually a lot stronger. #9) We all toot. #24) There ain’t no “I” or “Go screw the rest of you” in TEAM. #123) Actions speak in stereo, while words tend to whisper, which only works with pillow talk.

Gemini: Since the summer promises to be a swift one, be sure to plan well and get rest when you can. To help make sure you’ve got plenty of hip in your hop, add some tunes from fellow Gemini Notorious B.I.G into your soundtrack. Side A)“Stay far from timid, only make moves when your heart’s in it and live the phrase ‘the sky’s the limit.’” Side B) “I shot dread in the head, took the bread and the lamb spread … so don’t resist or you might miss Christmas.”

By Clouds McCloud

Cancer: The best part about being a Cancer is that your birthday coincides with the start of summer and America’s annual  “We rock!” bash, known as Independence Day. Therefore, your mantra for the year will be this week’s HorrorScopes theme as well: Freedom! Feel free to do your best “Braveheart” impression; just be sure to wear your kilt properly (wink, nudge).

Leo: Dear wonderful Leos: this much we know is true: #8) The best place to start making a change is with your underwear. Clouds recommends something silky and tear-able. #88) As Gandhi said, “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” #888) All you need to be successful is a positive — and an occasional kick-butt-and-take-names — attitude.

Virgo: Now that another professional basketball season has been slam-dunked, this would be the perfect time to pick another warm weather sport, such as hiking, swimming or drinking foofy drinks while pant-less. To help get you in a positive mindset, give the player side of you a funny nickname … just make sure it’s better than Metta “The Malice in the Palace” World Peace.

Libra: With summer now fully in gear, you’re probably feeling inspired to try something new. You might like to take a class, learn a new language or travel to some exotic locale, such as French Polynesia, the French Rivera or perhaps simply Reno. To help sort things out, remember this line from JFK: “Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”

Scorpio: To help you feel inspired and in touch with your sexy side, your words of wisdom will come from one of Clouds’ all-time favorites, Marilyn Monroe: “I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights belonging to the few remaining Earth-bound stars. All we demanded was our right to twinkle.” Oh, and don’t forget that you were born to twinkle.

Sagittarius: Sagittarius is the sign of the archer. Therefore, the straight-shooting people of this sign make natural leaders. Naturally, the keys to being a good leader are hard work, putting your heart into it and treating others the way you want to be treated, ie not like a doormat.

Capricorn: With summer here, bringing wonderful scents of suntan lotion, freedom and hot dogs, it looks as though your personal life is about to get as warm and toasty as s’mores by the campfire. Here’s hoping that you have more chocolate than graham crackers and that your marshmallow doesn’t become a flying, flaming ball of goo headed straight for someone else’s Mommy-Daddy Button.

Aquarius: The Stars report that your work life will be full to start the summer, so if you’re going to enjoy any freedom later in the season, you’d best do what you’ve got to do now, even if it’s not popular with others. To help, repeat the following line from fellow Aquarian Adlai “I Don’t Give A Rat’s Hiney What You Think” Stevenson: “My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.”

Pisces: Since this is the time of year to let your hair down and get in touch with your inner strengths, your assignment is to dance a little everyday, with or without clothes. If listening to Jim Morrison’s music doesn’t help, his words might: “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

Aries: The Stars say that over the next couple of weeks clarity should come to your romantic life. If you’re already romantically involved it will either take a step up or a few steps towards the exit. If you’re looking to start a new relationship, try this line, “You know, if you Googled ‘Who gives a crap about me?’ I’d come up first.”

Taurus: Since laughter will be the key to your upcoming success, choose one of the following good luck sayings: A) “Some people say you can’t live without love. I think air, food and sex are more important.” B) “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” Q) “When everything’s coming your way, you might be in the wrong lane.”

Gemini: To help you have the guts and feel the freedom to accept yourself for the wonderfully unique/nuts person you are, your words of wisdom come from fellow Gemini, Paul McCartney: “I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird. I suddenly realized that anyone doing anything weird wasn’t weird at all and it was the people saying they were weird that were weird.”