theSheetNews.com

Don’t look back. There could be an Air Swimmer gaining on you. (Photo: Lunch)

Sub-Zero Pooping Hero!

Well Ho, Ho, Ho what do you know? ‘Tis the holiday season once again. That wondrous time of the year when we happily swill eggnog (so long as it’s spiked) and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus (what about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa?) by giving our friends and relatives gifts they may neither want, need, nor know how to legally get rid of.

Such gifts are known as “White Elephants.” To help you avoid giving any, or to give you some good ideas for a White Elephant party, here are the Top 10 White Elephant gifts for 2011:

10. Chia Pets, Chia Professor, Chia Scooby Doo, Chia SpongeBob, Chia President Barack Obama or any of the other two million other products they make: In their defense, unlike real pets, Chia Pets never poop on the rug—and they do make a Chia Homer Simpson.

9. A Beer Holding Hoodie: Yes, they now make a hoodie that dispenses beer, cocktails, wine spritzers, etc. While some may argue this is American engineering at its finest, others may argue that both Camelbaks and the Santa Drinking Hat are much more impressive engineering marvels and that hoodies should be used to hold salty snacks like Beernuts.

 8. Nothing: It’s an empty ball made by some people in England who’ve obviously spent too much time in the pub. At best, such a gift could be given as some kind of political statement, but those are best left for other holidays like Independence, Presidents’ or Valentine’s Days.

 7. Smoking Mittens: Because that’s what fingerless gloves are for. Unless, of course, it’s because you want to hear the recipient recite that famous line from the film Johnny Dangerously: “I’ve been thinking of taking up smoking, and this clinches it.”

 6. Ugly Sweaters: The world is plagued by ugly sweaters. Don’t be a part of the problem, be part of the solution.

5. iCarta: It’s an iPod playing toilet paper dispenser. Because this is really the type of gift you should give to yourself—and throw in some Glade while you’re at it.

4. A Nose Shower Gel and Shampoo Dispenser: There’s only one nose that should be shooting “Farmer’s Blows” in the shower and that’s yours.

 3. Christmas Musical Albums by odd people: Everyone from the Chipmunks to James Brown and Billy Idol has put out a Christmas album or two. The general rule here is that if it hasn’t been done by a classic crooner such as Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole or Celine Dion don’t go there. You’ll only encourage people such as Hansen, Rosie O’Donnell and Regis Philbin to keep making them.

2. Gag Lottery Tickets: Giving someone fake scratch lottery tickets that lets the recipient believe — at least for a few moments — that they’ve just won thousands and thousands of dollars is just wrong, plain and simple, and there’s a special place in Hell for people who pass these out. Although there’s a special place on YouTube for those who record such acts.

1. A Peeing Santa Drink Dispenser or Pooping Polar Bear Candy Dispenser: These are the types of gifts that cause kids to seek counseling when they’re adults … these things and those lines from “Santa Claus is Coming to Town:”

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.”

Happy holidays and please be careful. Some big, bearded guy who looks like a biker dressed in drag will be watching you!

*Editor’s Addendum: Dave Leonard of the Booky Joint pointed out two more popular “adult” oriented gifts. 

1.) A book by Adam Mansbach entitled “Go The F*** To Sleep,” perfect for any parent who has trouble getting the kids to bed. 

2.) The Lindsay Lohan Playboy issue. One customer came in this week wishing to pre-order three copies. Lindsay’s personal woes have apparently not dented her sex appeal. 

Get a jump on the holidays by shopping at the Mammoth Lakes Women’s Club Holiday Dazzle! This 30+ year holiday tradition offers new twists this year including a Silent Auction, Live Auction and Santa’s Kitchen featuring homemade edibles. Holiday Dazzle! features handcrafted and one-of-a-kind creations including jewelry, quilts, wall hangings, pillows, furry hats and faux fur vests, and more.

A variety of elegant, themed gift baskets are also available including “A Little Girl’s Basket of Fun”, “Night at the Movies”, “Spa Gift Basket”, “Dog Lover’s Basket” and a “Martini Gift Basket”, just to name a few. The Silent Auction will include “Dine-Around” and “Mammoth Shopping Spree” gift certificates from local restaurants and businesses such as the Restaurant at Convict Lake, Roberto’s, Booky Joint, Footloose Sports, Tailwaggers, and Von’s. Scrumptious desserts purchased from Santa’s Kitchen are the perfect way to complement a Thanksgiving dinner. Family and friends are sure to enjoy receiving any one of these exclusive gifts that will be auctioned off or sold throughout the evening.

This year’s event takes place on Wednesday, Nov. 16 at the Red Lantern, Mammoth’s newest restaurant next to Rafters featuring fine Chinese dining. The restaurant is located on the corner of Main Street and Sierra Nevada Drive in Mammoth Lakes. The Silent Auction, Santa’s Kitchen and Social begins at 6 p.m.; the Live Auction gets underway at 7 p.m. The Red Lantern will be offering food and beverages for purchase – everyone is invited and admission is free.

So do your “one-stop shopping” at Holiday Dazzle! and know that the proceeds will be redirected back into our community. Call 760.935.4531 for further information. -Press Release

By Kirkner/Lunch

Minky Monkey celebrates its second anniversary this holiday season and the sales start Friday, Nov. 26. Owner Kim Harris said she’ll feature a variety of sale items this Friday, particularly Legos. This weekend is also marked by Small Business Saturday, a nationwide event that supports small businesses.

“If you’ve signed up, then for every $25 you spend on your American Express card this Saturday, you’ll get $25 back,” Harris said. Minky Monkey is an official vendor so get your Christmas shopping done now and save.

“We cater to infants, all the way up to 10- and 11-year-olds,” Harris said, “and we have a lot of new inventory.”

This year the items on every kid’s wish list include Legos and Lego games, Harris said. The Lego games are a new twist on an old favorite and combine a board-game type atmosphere with traditional Legos.

Also on the list for Santa, according to Harris, are pillow pets: soft, cuddly pillows in the shape of your favorite animal, so if you don’t want the mess of a real dog, buy your little someone a pillow pet dog.

Harris also recommended the original Silly Bandz as perfect stocking stuffers. Silly Bandz are rubber bands in shapes of things such as dinosaurs. Kids collect them and wear them on their wrists like bracelets, and they can trade them with their friends. Silly Bandz stretch out into a bracelet when they are on your wrist but revert back to their original shape once you take them off again.

Last but not least, and not an item that Harris recommended but one that The Sheet spotted while in the store, is the Pee-Pee Teepee, a great gift for the new mother blessed with a little boy. The Pee-Pee Teepee is used during diaper changes. It covers your little man’s nether regions so when the cold air hits his private parts it doesn’t cause him to pee straight into the air and get everything around him wet. Use the Pee-Pee Teepee to keep life high and dry.

Harris is very thankful this Thanksgiving for all of the community support over the past two years.

“A lot of people will shop local and pay more to support our business,” she explained. In fact, the Mammoth Hospital medical imaging group recently made a trip to the store to shop for kids whose families are not fortunate enough to do their own shopping for the holidays.

“They came in and supported us while supporting a great cause,” Harris explained.

Minky Monkey is located on Old Mammoth Road, next to the Police Station.

Meanwhile, The Booky Joint, owned by Dave Leonard, has its usual assortment of Melissa and Doug toys. Lunch promises that you can’t go wrong with the Fold and Go Castle, and the food-cutting sets, priced at about $20, are always popular.

All Melissa and Doug items will be 20% off this weekend.

Then, during the first week of December, the Booky Joint will have a “20% off everything you can fit in a canvas bag” sale.

Other items for kids include sticker books (a never fail according to Lunch) and role-play sets which allow your child to be a police officer, a knight, a vet or a hair stylist.

The Booky Joint also has a large variety of art stuff, doodle books, activity sets, etc.

For families with older children, there is an ample supply of puzzles (including a few 4,000-piece puzzles which look impossible), trivia games, board games, poker chips and a Lunch family favorite, dominos. Mexican Train is the game to play – make sure to buy the one with the train included.

For books, the much-anticipated Mark Twain autobiography has finally made it to the shelves. Twain mandated that his autobiography not be released until 100 years following his death. Part one has just been published, and as Leonard says, “It’s the size of a small dog.” Price: $34.95 (not bad for a small dog. No shots necessary. And the Booky Joint automatically takes 10% off hardcovers).

Other popular titles include “The People of Walmart: Shop and Awe,” and the big coffeetable book celebrating National Lampoon artists and writers entitled “Drunk, Stoned, Brilliant, Dead.”

Speaking of drunk, stoned and brilliant, Keith Richards’ autobiography just came out, too.

Leonard has autographed copies of local favorites “Tracks of Passion” and “The Laws Field Guide” on hand.

He also has a wide selection of cards and calendars. His most popular are Dennis Flaherty’s calendar of the Eastern Sierra and the “Who Farted?” calendar – a new fart sound for every month!

Enjoy. Shop local!