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By Clouds McCloud

Taurus: There are basically three things that separate us from fulfilling our dreams: fear, laziness and lack of patience. Now that we’ve got this out of the way, your birthday gift to yourself should be to do away with this ineffective trifecta. The Stars are saying if you can, they’ll not only help you achieve your dreams, they’ll throw in a couple happy endings for no extra charge.

Gemini: What’s the weirdest thing you’d do with the money if you won the lottery? How long is your perfect kiss? Is it easier to judge a person by his/her shoes or smile? What’s your karma record? Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have dated that nut job in the first place? Only you can answers these questions. The rest of us are going for a beer.

Cancer: Some folks say laughter is the best medicine. Some folks say love is the best medicine. Some folks say medicine is the best medicine, but those folks usually work in the health industry and have been bought off by pharmaceutical companies. Clouds says a positive, hopeful attitude, getting lots of fresh air and shagging like you just got rescued from a deserted island are the best medicines.

Leo: Clouds is happy to report that you will soon receive a planetary boost to your love, creative and financial lives. This means anything that’s been stalled should start to move forward again. It also means saying the following won’t be considered too forward: “You really enlighten my life, so I’d love to enlighten you of those shorts.”

Virgo: The Stars have just handed over a traffic report for your life (although sometimes Clouds wonders if they’re really watching the traffic or just looking down ladies’ blouses—this could just be projection though). Nonetheless, the road should start to clear up for you and you can now use the HOV lane: Head Onward Vibrantly.

Libra: Your assignment for the next few weeks is to be the living expression of love on Earth. Your wardrobe can consist of anything comfortable so long as it includes your lucky colors of blue or green. Your extra credit question is: Does Puff the Magic Dragon really live by the sea, and if so, does he ever run into Suzy who sells seashells by the seashore?

Scorpio: The good news is that the Stars have started to do some work on your sign. They plan on shoring things up and relieving some of your worries. The bad news is that they have a Union which demands that they get a couple of long coffee breaks/safety meetings, a few cold ones after work and that you thank them profusely.

Sagittarius: Sagittarians are fiercely independent people, which can sometimes be a blessing and sometimes a curse. It all really depends upon how you handle it. So while honesty is always a good policy, tact is also important, too. Therefore, your new sarcastic saying should be something like:“ If I actually gave a poop, I’d be happy to give it to you.”

Capricorn: Honesty is always the best policy and it will also sets you free, but it’s something most Capricorns fear more than Glenn Beck’s theories—although they’re not alone there. Therefore, try embracing honesty. Adopting this new motto should help: “Sometimes you’re a peacock. Sometimes you’re a feather duster.”

Aquarius: In case you were in need of some positivism in your life, here are some. 1) A 105-year-old Texas woman said eating bacon everyday is the key to her longevity. B) A 114-year-old Georgia woman said the key is to do what you love for as long as you can, as best as you can. III) Countless people who’ve lived to be over a hundred credit regularly drinking beer or red wine and eating chocolate.

Pisces: This much we know is true: We all bleed when we’re cut. We all have ticklish places. We all talk to ourselves, some of just do so softly. Pisces can be too judgmental about others, but people still love them anyway. Sometimes we want to be held, sometimes we want to be left alone. Sometimes you’re the pigeon, sometimes you’re the statute.

Aries: With the economy still working its way out of the dumpster and Ashton Kutcher still on national TV, it’s easy to feel a little depressed right now. But there’s no need to, because once you stop looking at what’s wrong with life, you can’t help but start seeing what’s right about it. Life is a gift for crying out loud. And just in case you think the great creator doesn’t want you to be happy, then please explain beer and orgasms?

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: To help make the most out of the next year of your life, adopt “Boston Strong” as your new motto. The country’s original city has been rocked by several massacres over the years (by the British, the Yankees and at the Marathon), but no matter how hard it gets knocked down, it just keeps rising back up stronger than ever. Be as strong, helpful and hopeful as Beantown, but don’t start saying things such as, “I heard Arub-er was wicked pissa.” or “Oh Gawd, these are some frickn’ killa b’daydas.”

Taurus: You new role model is the late, fellow Taurus Pat Summerall. The sports announcer was known for knowing — unlike his longtime partner Capricorn, John “The Mouth” Madden — when to shut up and let the action speak for itself. While he wasn’t perfect, Pat’s life was a series of successes. Therefore, be sure to choose your words wisely and to know when to put a sock in it.

Gemini: The Stars are saying you really should put your heart into something or someone. This can be challenging for Geminis, since they sometimes go through periods when they refuse, like warring siblings, to speak to their hearts. If that’s your mindset, your choices are: learn Morse code, stop being such a pansy or accept living a rather unfulfilled life.

Cancer: Newspaper reporter was recently named as the worst job for 2013. The reasons given include high stress and poor pay. To help remind you it’s not about what other people say, it’s about what you believe, here’s a line from former newspaper reporter Mark Twain: “Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.”

Leo: Just in case you forgot, failure begets failure. Just like lies beget lies, anger begets anger and half-assed efforts beget half-assed results. But it’s also true that success begets success, that acceptance begets acceptance and that scantily clad begets partial nudity.

Virgo: It looks like any bumpy roads you’ve been on should finally hit some brand new pavement. To help assure that you’re not out of alignment or about to take out any wildlife, your new motto is: “If you can’t run with the big dogs, you can always lay low with the cool cats.”

Libra: Just in case you forgot, the world is always your oyster, it’s just sometimes tough to open. Luckily, when you come across this dilemma, there are some options: being patient, asking for help or smashing the crap out of the oyster with a sledge hammer. All three have their time and place; your challenge is deciding when to use which style.

Scorpio: Play-Doh was originally designed as wallpaper cleaner. Elephants in India have been known to drink beer and then stumble through town. At any given moment, more than half the people report being in love. What does this all mean? It means something Scoprios sometimes forget: Anything isn’t just possible; sooner or later, it’s probable.

Sagittarius: A couple of studies done by some clever (and kinky) scientists in Europe have proven that having orgasms not only relieves stress, but also acts like a workout for many different regions of the brain, especially for women. This has Clouds wondering, what’s next? Studies showing that hugs make us happy, or that children and stoners crave cookies and Doritos? Therefore, your new role model is the people who wrote up the grants for those studies.

Capricorn: It looks as though your love life is making its way on to the stage. To help, here are a few tips for a happy relationship: Attack the issues not each other; Share a hobby; Talk about your dreams and your fears; Laugh together, and not just at each other; Regularly make passionate love as if you’re vacationing on a tropical island that only serves drinks with little umbrellas in them; Be thankful; Stay hydrated.

Aquarius: In honor of the celebration of “Fishmas,” all your advice will be (like Clouds) somewhat fishy. Ein) A bad day fishing still beats just about everything else. II) There’s a reason they call it fishing and not catching. 3) A fish in the hand beats a lure in a tree. D) “Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing it is not fish they are after.” -Henry David Thoreau.

Pisces: Here are your myth busters for the week. You don’t lose most of your body heat through your head, only about 10%. Not all women throw shoes at their partners; only 40% do. There are in fact more than just five senses, since we also have a sense of balance, a sense of time and enough sense to occasionally keep the lights on when making love.

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: It looks as though the Stars recommend that your birthday gift to yourself should be self-acceptance. This is going to be a great year to really get to know yourself. To help it go smoothly, try working on visualizing success, happiness, inner peace and happy endings you don’t have to pay extra for. It might also help to accept the motto of the Springfield Police Department: “If you can’t beat ‘em,  join ‘em.”

Taurus: Since laughter is the most important ingredient in the recipe for your ultimate happiness and success, laugh more often! These lines might help. From Cormac McCarthy: “That’s the problem with Chinese (lovers), an hour later you’re horny again.” From Clouds: “There’s a big difference between doing nearly the right thing and doing exactly the right thing, especially while lovemaking.” And from Jenna on 30 Rock: “Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking.”

Gemini: As with most Geminis, you like to keep your demands simple. All you really ask for is the world, preferably scantily clad and a bit out of breath, on a platter. The question is: Is that too much to ask for? And the answer is: Not really; so long as you’re not a big jerk to too many other people, and you give the server a fat tip. And Clouds doesn’t mean a tip such as: “Don’t tinkle into the wind.”

Cancer: This much we know is true: Sock monkeys were invented in 1932. Sea Monkeys are really just brine shrimp. “Shrimp” is a term for short people, as well as the main ingredient in most scampis, jumbo and etouffee. With Jazz Fest arriving, dance more and remember not to treat the important people in your life like cocktail sauce.

Leo: Many Leos are feeling overwhelmed right now, so remember that it’s always most chaotic before the calm. Lots of good things are headed your way, all you need to do is be prepared. To help, try listening to some John Mayer: “Somewhere broken people, this is me I’m working on. Good Love is on the way.”

Virgo: The rest of the month looks very promising for Virgos careers, even if the rewards won’t arrive for a spell. Just be sure you don’t sell-out your soul. Staying positive will help, so will remembering there isn’t that much of a difference between celebrating while singing “Ave Maria” or bellowing out “Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.”

Libra: It’s true that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. It’s also true that we need to give fear a beat down like it stole our milk money when we were kids, but we’re all grown up now and have watched a lot of Bruce Lee movies. Henceforth, your new mantra comes from the Dragon: “As you think, so shall you become.”

Scorpio: You’ve just entered an ass-trological period where you’ll truly start to figure out what happiness and love really mean in your life, and how best to improve and enjoy them. To get you moving in the right direction, try listening to something that makes you feel good, such as some John Lennon: “Well I tell them there’s no problem, only solutions.”

Sagittarius: A Sagittarian was overheard saying something along these lines: “My Horrorscopes have really sucked eggs recently.” Here’s Cloud’s response: Dear Sagittarius, First, as the old saying goes “the more you complain, the longer you remain.” Next, “I was just wondering how you like your eggs in the morning so I can prepare them properly” is a pretty good pick-up line. Finally, whatever you do, don’t go suck an egg, unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, more power to you.

Capricorn: The Stars ask you to try to not make your life so hard. Sure, to spice things up you need a little drama now and then, but you don’t need to turn your life into an endless soap opera. Therefore your new, laissez-faire attitude will be modeled by the Major from the ‘70s TV show, Soap: “Let’s synchronize our watches. It’s now 3-ish.”

Aquarius: The bad news is that you’ll probably be feeling unfulfilled at work or have some struggles with a co-worker for the next few weeks. The good news is you’ll be gaining power and good karma in your career by the end of the month. The key will be to not tell anyone they can “Go eat a turd burger!” Unless you, at least, offer them a beer to wash it down with.

Pisces: Money matters, and that’s really unfortunate because things were a lot simpler back when we could just trade for things. Therefore, to help you better understand your money matters, try to remember that love is free and you deserve as much as you give. So here’s hoping you have someone you can trade out rounds of “Tickle My Elmo” with.

By Clouds McCloud

Pisces: This much we know is true: Pisces get lost easily; they can remember outfits better than phone numbers; Clouds likes to use semi-colons; just because Pisces seem flighty doesn’t mean they’re idiots; case in point, Piscean Albert Einstein who once said; “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.”

Aries: It’s probably feeling like your life is one big vision quest. Sure, some of this is probably caused by acid flashbacks, but most of it caused by the fact that a vision quest is exactly what life is. You visualize it and it becomes true. So maybe it’s about time you start working on your creative and even your procreative (wink, wink, nudge, goose) visualization.

Taurus: For the good, albeit stubborn folks of this sign, it all comes down to the simple fact that you’re at your best when feeling appreciated—in love, work and whoopee-making. Of course, appreciation always starts at home. Therefore, your new self-help book should be Guru Pitka’s classic: “Does It Hurt When You Do That? Well Then Don’t Do That!”

Gemini: Geminis like to make a party out of life. This is why they make great fraternity brothers, sorority sisters and ski lift operators. Therefore, Clouds would like to let you know that your partying skills should come in handy soon, since lots of folks will be in the mood for a good party. This doesn’t mean you should party like it’s 1999, more like it’s 1982 and we all still think Reaganomics works.

Cancer: This week the Stars are asking you to live life exactly the way you believe it should be lived. So make sure that you’re doing what you believe you should be doing and not simply doing what someone pressures or guilts you into doing. There is, however, one exception: if you can trade in that guilty deed for a guilty pleasure—or at least a guilty plea to the charge of being “Damn Sexy!”

Leo: It looks like the Stars are aligning in lucky and prosperous angles for you. To make the most of this good karma please be sure to: accept that you deserve it; be open to change; and try not to tell people you soar past to go suck an egg, or anything else for that matter.

Virgo: The best thing most Virgos can do for themselves is to laugh. After all, being serious and stubborn takes it toll. So it’s great to laugh well everyday. “ To help, adopt one these as your new saying: “Always be yourself … unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.” “I pooped today.” “I’m magically delicious.”

Libra: Some people swear by Macs. Others are insane for PCs. But there is still another set of folks who don’t even know how to turn a computer on, let alone surf the net for porn. Libras can usually be found in that latter set. One of the reasons is that Libras, especially for the next few weeks, have dreams too hot and heavy to be put on a hard drive, or even a floppy disk for that matter.

Scorpio: Your role model for the week is Australian born country music star Keith Urban. Like most Scorpios, Urban has gone through periods of massive self-destruction, but like all Scorpios, he’s shown to be more than capable of rising back up. So start dancing along, “Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”

Sagittarius: In case you’ve forgotten, when you’re feeling good about your love and sex lives everything else in your life flourish as well. Therefore, to help your career, try helping out your love life by whispering to your partner: “I need to be attached to you the way a neutron needs a proton.”

Capricorn: Since it looks like life is still going to be a wee bit bumpy for you as winter bids farewell, Clouds wanted to remind you that better days are on the way. Therefore, that new good luck, dark green t-shirt should read either “Irish I were drunk” or better yet, “Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need good advice.”

Aquarius: Some kind of an issue, maybe from childhood or something that has bothered your family for generations, has probably decided to pop it’s head up. So you basically have two choices: You can lose control and treat it like a game of “Smash the Weasel.” Or you can look it smack dab in its ugly mug and tell it you’re taking your power back.  The second choice is the best and requires lots of moxie. The first can work, buts requires lots of epoxy.

By Clouds McCloud

Aquarius: Since you’ve entered a time when incredible change is ready to enter your life, Clouds thought some advice from a member of your opposite sign, Leo, might help. From Oscar-winner Ben Affleck: “You have to work harder than you think you possibly can. Can’t hold grudges. It’s hard, but you can’t hold grudges. And it doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life, because that’s going to happen. All that matters is that you got to get back up.”

Pisces: Clouds is lucky enough to call lots of Pisces friends. That’s because the good people of this sign really know how to party and often have lots of tequila running through their veins. Therefore, your new assignment, which should be carried out for the rest of your natural born life, is: Don’t drink and drive (cars or people you don’t truly care about). It’s never worth it.

Aries: You’re now in the midst of a great time to deal with anything that has become burdensome or buried or needs to be dealt with. To help make sure you don’t get stuck in the muck of denial or perhaps block a dream trip to the Nile, which is a river in Egypt, stay positive. To help keep your cool, take any and all necessary shots, be they Malaria, Maalox or Maker’s Mark.

Taurus: It looks as though your career will soon be taking center stage. Luckily, the Stars are shining helpful and positive light in that direction. Therefore, your new mantra will be as follows: “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today is a gift, that’s why we call it the “present” and not “an enema” or “Susan.”

Gemini: To help keep you feeling positive, Clouds would like to remind you of the following: 1) The best thing about the Ten Commandments is that there are only 10 of them. 2) The bravest thing a man can do is love a woman, especially one good at throwing things. 10) Jesus does love you; it’s the rest of us who have some doubts.

Cancer: In hipster talk, the term “brownie” is an adjective that describes something both funny and awesome. This piece of info should come in handy as your life starts to basically become a brownie with ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry on top. Here’s hoping it just isn’t Nina Cherry. “Buffalo Stance” gets old fast.

Leo: The Stars say you’ve been powered up and should be ready to handle anything life tosses at you, especially involving your career. Salad tossing is the type of thing career criminals have to worry about. But not you, all you’ve got to worry about is what kind of dressing you want on your dream salad. Clouds prefers blue cheese and/or syrup.

Virgo: This much we know is true: We’re all insecure, we just handle it differently. This much we’re not so sure of: Why former Vice-President Dan Quayle said, “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” Or Donald Trump’s hair. Or why Nancy Grace is still on television.

Libra: There’s plenty of good karma heading towards your home life now. So don’t be surprised to find your dream home at a price you can afford or a refinance goes better than expected. And don’t be surprised if your family starts to expand somehow (for the record:  “adopting” a plant or a 21-year-old with his/her own apartment equipped with a kegerator and a striper pole only counts as extra credit).

Scorpio: Starting this week, the Stars will ask — make that implore and practically throw a hissy fit — you to start taking a larger role in your own happiness. So you really shouldn’t ignore them, especially since all you have to do is figure out what makes you feel whole, happy, most alive, fulfilled and less like life has been biatch-slapping you. Then start figuring out how to make happiness your biatch!

Sagittarius: The Stars report that you should start feeling more in control of your life soon. So these should help: Ein) He who laughs last, laughs best, even if he who laughs last is just slow or simply stoned out of his/her ever-loving gourd. Deux) We are what we eat. So eat more Sexy-Os and Patience Popcorn.

Capricorn: The next couple of weeks will focus on your partner’s income. This could go well or it could go the other way. The outcome will depend on a few things. but most notably … your partner’s income. If you’re disappointed with that number, well, conspire to produce some body heat and save on propane.

By Clouds McCloud

Aquarius: We recently entered the Chinese Zodiac’s Year of the Snake. That means it should be a fairly interesting and enjoyable year. Snake years can be lucky financial years, but tend to be very malleable and often usher in unexpected changes. To help, try being as prepared as W. C. Fields: “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite … and furthermore, always carry a small snake.”

Pisces: A recent study estimated that any given moment almost 1% of the world’s population is drunk. Apparently, Ireland, Germany and Mammoth Lakes weren’t included. This just goes to show that statistics can prove anything, especially for people bad with math. To help with your math skills, try listing all the positive things in your life and then turning them into a pie chart.

Aries: This week, Clouds would like you to add the following sets of Grammy nominated lyrics to your life’s soundtrack, and then sing them whenever you’re naked (i.e. in the shower, while making whoopee or when you’re on Facebook). A) “I belong with you. You belong with me. You’re my sweetheart. Hey Ho!” b) “Same? No we’re not the same, but that’s what makes us strong.” C) “Tonight we are young. So let’s set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun.”

Taurus: Sometimes life seems as effortless as trying to carve turns down a freshly groomed ski run. Sometimes life feels as though you’re trying to carve turns down a ski run with moguls the size of minivans. Sometimes life is like trying to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a spork. The key is to enjoy it all and to realize that consistency is overrated and can lead to serious cases of boredom.

Gemini: Here’s your latest installment of Clouds’ Rules for Life. #9: Make love with your eyes open. #33: Make dinner with your eyes open, especially when cutting or frying. #77: Love can cure anything. #123: Hatred cures nothing, but does cause things like back problems, impotence, wrinkles, bloating and a desire to vote Republican.

Cancer: With great questions of all kinds about life being answered this year, your food for thought will come from TV personalities. From Woody Paige: “The city of Happiness is in the state of Mind.”  From Kathy Griffin: “Have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise, no decorum. Just fun.” And from Otto the bus driver from The Simpsons: “They call ‘em fingers. But I’ve never seen ‘em ‘fing.’”

Leo: The Stars report that you’re in the midst of a period when you’d be well advised to start sowing seeds, working the soil and putting some sweat into your work life. Therefore, try to remember that the road to overnight success is usually a long one, but the road to mediocrity is short and has drive-thru liquor stores.

Virgo: The Year of the Snake should usher in an attitude adjustment in your life. Lucky for you, this should be slightly emotional, especially when involving family, but will be beneficial and ultimately should go as smoothly as an adjustment made by a professional chiropractor. Just make sure to adjust your funny bone as well.

Libra: Since the Year of the Snake promises to be a solid one, here are your Libra power statements for the year: from Morrissey: “Life’s full of tricky snakes and ladders.” And from Ross Perot: “If you see a snake just kill it. You don’t need to appoint a committee on snakes.”

Scorpio: If there’s one thing you Scorpios need to work on during the Year of the Snake, it’s to keep a positive attitude and to always keep your eyes on the real prize and stop settling and selling out for crappy consolation prizes. As the old saying goes, “When we focus on the snake, we miss the scorpion.”

Sagittarius: The great part about life is that, even though it likes to occasionally kick us in our patooties, it also loves to reward us for getting back up and going back after it. Sags should keep this in mind, as the next few months will give you clues about what lies hidden in your life.

Capricorn: In Japan, they believe that people have personality traits based on their blood type. For example, blood type As are said to be sensitive, overanxious perfectionists. Type Bs are cheerful, eccentric and selfish. Types Os are curious, generous and stubborn and ABs are artsy, mysterious and unpredictable. If this theory sounds off base to you, perhaps you need to drink more sake.

By Clouds McCloud

Capricorn: The Stars report that you’re entering a period when your creative and sexual powers will be turned all the way up to 11 (see: “Spinal Tap”). To make the most out of this period remember that everyone is a perfect 10 to someone else, especially if that someone else has been drinking or is bad with numbers. And adopt this new motto: “I envy us.”

Aquarius: Babies learn to talk by making just about any strange sounds they can muster. Apparently, trying to eat everything they can get their little hands on also helps, as does destroying diaper pails. Therefore, your new assignment is to be more curious, just like a child, about the real motives behind your life. Just be sure to change your own stinky diapers and remember that everyday is a just another miraculous adventure.

Pisces: It’s a little known fact that most Pisces actually have numerous personalities and the more we can accept this, the better off we’ll all be. To help, here’s a list of the average Pisces’ personalities: happy-go-lucky, heartless, humorous, transcendent, horny, addicted, chameleon-ish, forgetful, mischievous, athletic, hairy, Smurftastic, sleepy and, as Sid the Sloth put it, “lone, lonely, loners.”

Aries: For the next couple of weeks life should buzz along nicely for the people of this sign. Since it just so happens that the people of this sign are good at buzzing and bopping, this is great news, although your bee-bopping could use some polishing up. Therefore, try working more on understanding and feeling the full rhythm and harmony of life, and maybe focus a little less on just the cowbell sections.

Taurus: For years, scientists and bitter people everywhere were claiming that love doesn’t last. That sooner or later, the spark burns out like a candle. But the good people at Stony Brook University have released a study that proves that passionate love can last a lifetime. The keys are to stay positive, communicative, supportive, to keep challenging life together and to remember that candle wax has endless possibilities.

Gemini: Never forget that, like most people, you’re a person, too. We’re all just people, after all, regardless of our color or creed, religion or SAT score, sexual preference or fashion sense. That’s why we all need to start being kinder and more compassionate towards one another; except, of course, for politicians, insurance providers or Ryan Seacrest. We should just throw empty beer cans at those people.

Cancer: Assuming you’re like the rest of us and find things like wiffle ball bats to the scrotum or Donald Trump’s hair amusing, then you already realize that love is a funny thing (just ask Manti Te’o). To help you make sense of it, you can simply accept any love you find on the Internet as real. Better yet, how about you just put on your floaties and try drifting down the River of Love always on the ready to holler out, “Rapids ahead!” or “Who wants to go skinny dipping?”

Leo: Since the best year of your life is underway, it would the perfect time to adopt a positive, hopeful, thankful and scantily-clad kind of attitude. Therefore, try adopting this motto: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough! And gosh darn it, I’m terrific on my feet and even better in the sack!”

Virgo: Members of this sign can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Unfortunately, this isn’t very good for business: the business of enjoying and feeling fulfilled in life, that is. Therefore, your words of wisdom will come from Nelson Mandela: “Having resentment is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill your enemy.”

Libra: Willpower is something Libras are blessed with in much the same way that Superman is blessed with X-Ray vision and Clouds is blessed with X-Rated thoughts. Therefore, have a little patience for the rest of us mere mortals. It will help to try to guess which super powers the rest of us are blessed with.

Scorpio: Here’s the good news: the opportunity you’ve been waiting your whole life for is standing at the door just waiting for you to knock. Here’s the bad news: It’s been waiting there, patiently, for you to get your wits about you and could be a little cranky. So be sure to start off with some sweet-talking and maybe a sweet (wink, wink) treat.

Sagittarius: Whenever we cross adversity in life we’re presented with two choices: either crumble under it like a deck of cards holding up a rhino or rise above it like an eagle wearing a jetpack. So, be sure to choose your attitude, and underwear, accordingly!

By Clouds McCloud

Capricorn: 2013 looks very promising for Capricorns so long as you can learn to work and play well others. This isn’t the year to go it alone or to have the typical Capricorn “my way or the highway” attitude. Therefore, remember there ain’t no “I” in “team,” nor is there one in “Success,” “Joy,” “Pleasure” or “Go screw yourself!”

Aquarius: 2013 should be an exceptionally enjoyable year for Aquarians. And since it’s easier to be creative when you feeling happy (and more difficult when you’re feeling trapped or sexually frustrated), be sure to remember that life is a gift and should be celebrated. Just bear in mind that that the keys to any great party are proper planning and being sure to buff out the cleaning crew.

Pisces: 2013 is going to be a very positive and productive year for Pisces. Since your confidence is sure to be on the rise, keep your money, body and soul balanced. So it’s okay to follow the late Dave Brubeck, “I prefer no one to teach me. I prefer to swing on my own.” So long as you never forget the words of Rasheed Wallace: “Ball don’t lie!”

Aries: 2013 is the year when your life will really start to bloom. Therefore, always wear clean bloomers, knickers, briefs, butt floss, banana hammocks or whatever you call your undies. And remember that healthy plants bloom where they are planted, especially if they get plenty of sun, water, rest and the proper balance of chemicals.

Taurus: 2013 will bring much comfort, especially of the “creature” kind. To help make the most out of it, don’t just be a “buyer,” but try being a “smart shopper.” Heed the words of the Notorious B.I.G: “Mo money, mo problems.” And of course, “You know very well who you are. Don’t let ‘em hold you down, reach for the stars.”

Gemini: 2013 will be year of growth for Gemini. And since what your life becomes is completely up to you, don’t be afraid to roll your sleeves up and work hard or to work on healing parts that are dragging you down. It also helps to remember that there’s a big difference between having moves like Jagger and moves like Jägermeister.

Cancer: 2013 will be challenging, especially for the first half, but if you can keep your cool, bite your tongue (and the bullet when necessary) and be patiently positive, it should all be worth it by the time the year comes to a close. To help, remember the words of Stephen Hawking: “Never forget you’re the product of thousands of years of evolution.”

Leo: 2013 is going to be year of faith restored and hope rewarded for Leos. Since the last few years have treated Leos like chew toys, it might be hard to embrace these natural states for you. Therefore, Disney’s “The Lion King” anthem: “Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase! Hakuna Matata! Ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy.”

Virgo: 2013 is going to be a very productive, seductive and successful year for you. You’ll still have to work hard in life and love, but unlike recent years, you’re hard work will actually start to pay off. To help make the most out of it, stay focused, patient and be ready to disrobe at any moment.

Libra: 2013 looks as though it will help you truly understand and appreciate the meaning of partnerships. Of course there are all kinds: marriage, business, junior high school science class, limited liability, mud wrestling, jello wrestling, tonsil hockey, etc. So your assignment is to be more open about partnerships this year, which doesn’t mean you need to move to Vermont or the Bay Area.

Scorpio: 2013 should be a year of progress for Scorpios, so long as you can stay patient, mellow and remember that the key to a happy home life is you. Since the year should be hectic and busy, but steadily improving as it moves along, keep your sarcastic and bombastic sides in check. And refrain from blurting out phrases such as: “Craptastic,” “Make mine a triple” or “I’m sure I’m going to regret this later, but screw it!”

Sagittarius: 2013 looks to be a very balanced year for Sags. It’ll be full of great highs and muddling lows, challenges and success stories that will have positive impacts on your life for years to come. Your keys will be to remain accepting and patient. After all, good things do come to those who wait, while impatient, judgmental people tend to get bad things, such as speeding tickets, STDs and the Oakland Raiders.

By Clouds McCloud

Capricorn: The only thing that ever keeps Capricorns from fulfilling their dreams is their attitude toward authority figures (ie: bosses, co-workers, parents, spouses, Bruce Springsteen, Tony Danza, etc.). Therefore, your birthday gift is to remember that if you want to be treated with respect, you gotta earn it, in part, by treating others with respect.

Aquarius: To help you fully embrace the holiday spirit, here’s a reminder of what we’ve learned from Christmas: Life is best when we celebrate it. Mistletoe was a way better idea than eggnog. Miracles happen. Holiday office parties should always include “fun with the photocopier.” It’s not about what you get, it’s about what you give. Abstinence almost always works.

Pisces: Since Pisces have a pension for running away from their problems, only to eventually twist an ankle or get so winded that the problems easily catch up and then pound the poop out of ‘em, here’s your new reality check statement: “I might as well make the best out of this place now because it doesn’t matter where else I go, the people will suck driving there, too.”

Aries: If you’re reading this HorrorScope it means you’ve made it this far. You’ve gotten through traumas and challenges, heartbreaks, Highway 395 and all the other obstacles life throws at us. Therefore, Clouds would like to offer you the mad kudos you deserve. You’ve kicked some serious booty so far in life. So here’s to more of the same this New Year, only instead of kicking booty, how about just patting and tapping it.

Taurus: Seeing as how men and women occasionally get along like oil and water, but sometimes like the stars and the moon, love can be a very confusing thing. Try to enjoy the confusion and don’t be surprised to hear someone recite a line from singer Jason Mraz to you this New Year, “I’ll take no more. No more. It cannot wait. I’m yours.”

Gemini: Years from now, when you’re a little grayer and saggier, you’ll fondly look back on 2013 as the year your life came together. Luckily it shouldn’t come together like Sonny and Cher, or Sonny and that tree for that matter. No, it will be more like Cher and Greg Allman, whose kid’s a rock star himself. Therefore, your holiday advice comes from Cher: “Until you’re ready to look foolish, you’ll never have the possibility of being great.”

Cancer: The Stars wanted to let you know that they’ve had your heartstrings re-tuned. Therefore, don’t be surprised if you meet someone you can make beautiful music with. Patience, communication and faith with be your keys and it’s probably best to start out as a duet before you try making turning it into a trio or sextet.

Leo: Leos have an uncanny ability to piss people off so bad they start saying things like “Balderdash!” “Son of a mother-less goat!” and “You stubborn, impatient, presumptuous prick!” But life, my beloved friends, is all about balance. So, fortunately for Leos and those who love them, these comments are usually followed up by something like “We’re cool” or “I still respect and appreciate you” or, better yet, “I want to practice making babies with you.”

Virgo: This much we know is true: 1) Everybody loves Raymond. 2) Every ski bum loves Ramen Noodles. 3) Everybody loves the rug burns you get from fooling around with your partner. !) Unlike last year, Virgos should love their love lives and will be highly susceptible to rug burns in 2013.

Libra: With the holidays here, it’s time to remember what love really means. It means you’re willing to give your life, or spare it, for another. It means you’ll always be willing to lend a hand, a shoulder or knuckle sandwich when needed. Hopefully, this information will come in handy for Libras, since they sometimes think love only means not saying things like, “You are a total moron!”

Scorpio: Communications and relationships should start to be as smooth for you as the average Super Model’s thighs, just hopefully much fuller and juicier. To help assure things go nice and smooth for you, be sure to think good thoughts, to spoil yourself a little and to liberally apply your favorite moisturizer.

Sagittarius: Since your holiday gift from the Stars is to get back in touch with your lighter side, please enjoy the most popular Tweets of 2012. @JimGaffigan: “If there were any awards for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.” @TheNardvark: “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of this meeting.” @UncleBlazer: “I can forgive a friend for lying but if they’ve got a hoverboard they’re not telling me about, F#@! Em.”

By Clouds McCloud

Sagittarius: Clouds has a lot of love for most Sagittarians, especially when any of them actually stop long enough to listen to Clouds, or any of the rest of us, extol their virtues. Therefore, your birthday gift to yourself should include anything that makes you a better listener (a hearing aid, closed-captioning, ample sexual rewards, etc.).

Capricorn: A new restaurant is soon to open in America’s oldest public park, Boston Common. What makes this event noteworthy is that the “Earl of Sandwich” shop will be housed in what was once a public bathroom. While some folks are against the idea, most folks don’t give a poop. The lesson: You can do anything, so long as you don’t let anything crappy in your past stand in your way.

Aquarius: Members of this sign often have trouble controlling their emotions. Which is fine, so long as they do a good job controlling their substances. You see, what the rest of us love about you is your passion for life. What we don’t like is when you drink too much “holiday cheer” and then try to pick a fight with, or make love to, the Christmas tree.

Pisces: Sometimes it feels as though you’re parallel parked in a diagonal universe. Therefore, your new good luck t-shirt should portray a classic Pisces statement such as: “I like to Google myself.” Your inspiration shall come from Richard Simmons: “Energy is that amazing feeling that comes to life when you’re happy and believe in yourself.”

Aries: Cursing is usually a sign of anger, distress or a small vocabulary. Therefore, since our spoken words have more power than we realize, try doing two things: If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything. And try to make sure all your four-letter words are fun ones, such as “love,” “this,” “shag” and “Mike.”

Taurus: The Stars report that you’re entering a great time in your in life, when opportunities you’ve been working hard for will to start to blossom like holiday Poinsettias. To help, your new magic words are “Yes,” “Thanks” and “Balance” … as in, “Yes, thanks, if I don’t find some balance in my life soon, this seesaw ride is going to suck.”

Gemini: Early each December, America celebrates “Call in Gay Day.” It’s a day meant to show support for our fellow citizens who are “Light in the Loafers” and “Women in Comfortable Shoes.” Therefore, your assignment for this week is to be accepting of others, especially male hairdressers, female mechanics and anyone who voted for Mitt Romney.

Cancer: Some people consider bacon a “vegetable,” while others simply call it a “manfruit.” Eating peppers increases circulation and raises endorphin levels. And the following is a classic Cancerian statement, “Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your mind. And then I remember, of course I do. I’m the cat’s meow!”

Leo: As the Stars suggest Leos give negative thoughts the heave-ho. here are some things to ponder: It’s better to be silent than to wish you had been. It’s better to have taken the chance than wish you had. And as the “Funny Girl” Barbra Streisand once said, “I just don’t want to be hampered by my own limitations.”

Virgo: The Stars ask that you to set aside as much time as possible over the next couple of weeks for loved ones and family, which unfortunately, aren’t always in the same category. Regardless of how you wish to categorize, don’t work too hard to avoid ‘em, even if they’re the aunt who smells like avocados or your uncle “Mumbles.”

Libra: There a lot of positive things going on for Libras right now. Therefore, be generous and appreciative with those you love, and appreciate and adopt a funny new slogan such as: “I used to be gay, but I found it to be a real pain in the butt.” Or, “If at first you don’t succeed, order a cocktail.”

Scorpio: Communications and relationships should start to be as smooth for you as a Super Model’s thighs, and hopefully much fuller and juicier. To help assure things go smooth as the year winds down, think good thoughts, apply plenty of moisturizer and know when to say, “Why yes, I’d love another helping!”