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Geisel put up this shot of Miami Dolphins QB Chad Pennington just to annoy Hartley. Says Geisel, “9-7? We shall see!” (Photo: Miami Dolphins Publicity)

Fortunately, Albert Haynesworth does not

The NFL Season is upon us. The world is full of possibilities. Everyone’s team is undefeated and has a chance to win the Super Bowl … in theory. Everyone loves their draft picks, trades and free agent pickups. To wit: Some dumbass fan somewhere is saying TJ Houshmandzadeh just made us a Super Bowl contender. Some complete mental midget is saying Denver QB Kyle Orton will thrive in the team’s great, new offensive scheme. And they are all wrong. And this weekend, it will all come to light. By halftime your team is down 21-0 and you are already booing. Reality sucks … and the Pittsburgh Steelers are again the class of the league. The rest of the teams? Class clowns. The picks:

AFC North

Pittsburgh 14-2. Coach Mike Tomlin is still hungry. New additions Mendenhall and Sweed will be future stars. WR Santonio Holmes has learned to catch with no thumbs. And that defense. Ooohhh that defense. I smell repeat.
Baltimore 9-7. And that is being generous. They got lucky last year and had no WRs. This year they still have no WRs AND their best WR is another year older. QB Joe Flacco is a bum and more overrated than Angelina Jolie. The defense lost Bart Scott and its coordinator.
Cincinnati 8-8. This team is a mess, full of headcases, so what did they do? Draft another one, Andre Smith, who left the scouting combine early without working out, and then later held a private workout where he looked like Rerun from What’s Happening running the 40 while he jiggled like Jello pudding. Then he holds out for a big contract, finally comes to practice for 3 days and breaks his foot.
Cleveland 7-9. QB Brady Quinn can lift weights, but he is a marginal QB. Their starting RB is Jamal Lewis and they have Braylon Edwards at WR. If Santonio Holmes has no thumbs, then Braylon is missing a hand.

AFC East

New England 12-4. Everyone is picking the Pats to win the Super Bowl ‘cause QB Tom Brady is back. When was the last Super Bowl they won?? Yeah, thought so.
Miami 9-7. The luck runs out this year. Still lacking big-time talent. A team full of Bill Parcells guys is good for a couple of years. Then it blows up.
Buffalo 8-8. I know people think WR Terrell Owens will make this team a winner, but how is that possible when QB Trent Edwards can’t complete a pass longer than 7 yards?
Jets 6-10. This team isn’t very good and Buddy’s Ryan’s dumbass son, new Coach Rex, is a sideshow.

AFC West

I should skip this division since they should be demoted to the PAC 10 in the NCAA. But some sorry team gets a playoff berth anyway.
San Diego 9-7. This team is on the downside and Norv Turner is one of the worst coaches in history. L.T. is showing signs of becoming Shaun Alexander.
Denver 6-10. Given the division they’re in, they can muddle through 6 wins but they won’t be competitive. Their QB is a bum. Kyle Orton has no right starting for any team. What, was Tommy Maddox unavailable?
Kansas City 4-12. The 1st year head coach has fired the offensive coordinator, so the head coach will serve as head coach, offensive coordinator and QBs coach. So he will have plenty of time to coach the team, right?
Oakland 0-16. 1st round pick, WR Darrius Heyward Beywatch, will be a BUST. A bigger bust than Dolly Parton’s Z cups.

AFC South

Indy 11-5. They won’t be as good, but the division is overrated so they will win it. Make no mistake, QB Peyton Manning is the coach of this team. The defense wasn’t great when Tony Dungy was there, RB Joseph Addai is injury prone, and Safety Bob Sanders plays a quarter of each season. They aren’t a factor in the playoffs.
Tennessee 10-6. They overachieved last year, and their defensive anchor. Albert Haynesworth, fled to D.C. QB Kerry Collins is back, and that’s not a good thing. I like the RBs, but that’s not enough.
Houston 9-7. This team is again the vogue pick to surprise. But they have Matt Schaub at QB. I’ve heard him described as elite, but haven’t seen him come off the injured list long enough to prove it.
Jacksonville 8-8. Say what you want about the running game, it won’t be the same without Fred Taylor. Maurice Jones-Drew isn’t built to carry it 30 times a game. Trouble. Once he goes down, QB David Garrard is left to carry the offense.

NFC North

Green Bay 11-5. I didn’t like QB Aaron Rodgers coming out of Cal a few years ago, but he had a terrific year last year. Red Zone: 23 TD passes and 0 ints. WOW. The inverse of Brett Favre.
Minnesota 9-7. Once Favre starts throwing INTs, they will fall apart just like Roseanne Barr singing the Star Spangled Banner. And it’ll be just as ugly.
Chicago 9-7. They may sneak to 10-6 but don’t have any receivers.
Detroit 2-14. Why? ‘Cause they can’t go 0-32, can they? Note to the Lions … Don’t break your rookie the first game. Bring him in starting week 4 and play with 7 offensive linemen to protect him.

NFC East

Philly 10-6. The Eagles did some good things in the draft and retooled their offensive line. My concern is their defense. D-Coordinator died and they lost Safety Brian Dawkins.
Giants 10-6. The defense will be good, but they don’t have a single WR. Don’t give me that bull about the rookie WRs they drafted ‘cause QB Eli Manning’s security blanket was Plaxico Burress and he’s in jail. They lost RB Derrick Ward and RB Brandon Jacobs will get hurt. Ahmad Bradshaw is a good relief back, but can’t carry the load by himself. Eli is overrated and you will see it this year.
Dallas 9-7. This team is more overrated than Forrest Gump. They stay in the news becasue their owner is Al Davis in Training.
Washington 6-10. Ownership without a clue. Paid Albert Haynesworth ridiculous money when he could’ve beem bribed with milk shakes and pork rinds.

NFC South

New Orleans 10-6 win the division. The Saints can score with the best of them. If they realize defense isn’t just a government department, they will win some games.
Carolina 9-7. QB Jake Delhomme is a bum. They will sink with him.
Atlanta 8-8. I keep hearing how EXPLOSIVE the Falcons will be on offense. Not seeing that one. The league has plenty of tape now on QB Matt Ryan and it will be used……like the Cards used it in the playoffs last year.
Tampa 4-12. Unless new TE Kellen Winslow hops on a motorcycle, and then they’ll finish 3-13.

NFC West

The single worst division in football.
San Francisco 10-6. If their defense is decent, they can run the ball. As for holdout WR Michael Crabtree, I would tell him “we have made our last offer. If you want to sit out, screw you and agent, who also happens to be your cousin Pookie.”
Arizona 7-9. Their QB has a bad hip. Now think about that. Nothing says you are too old like a bad hip.
Seattle 6-10. Seahawk fans have no grasp on reality. I heard people this week saying the Hawks have just as good a passing game as the Cards. Really? The Hawks best WR is equal to Steve Breaston of the Cards. Who? Exactly.
St. Louis 6-10. Ran out of room. Which is what RB Steven Jackson will be saying this year.

“Almost Fast” just completed a perfect season of co-ed softball. No wins. In addition to a lack of athletic talent, apparently no one on the team can operate a camera either. (Photo by Anonymous … go figure!)

And no, Harold’s not referring to the Raider offense

Editor’s note: We’re going to save Harold’s season predictions until next week, because we discovered some mathemtical inconsistencies in his prognostication of various team performances. With a total of 512 regular season NFL games, one would imagine that there would be 256 winners. In Harold’s world, however, his predictions computed to a 236-276 league record. In other words, he hates every other team besides the Steelers so much that he can’t think straight.
And yes, he has the Steelers at 12-4 and winning the Super Bowl again.

So Minnesota QB Brett Favre didn’t come to mini camp or training camp. The only camp he attended was RV camp. Because he has “pull with the coaches” he is apparently successful at getting the team out of practices early. I guess he doesn’t need to practice any more than Allen Iverson, even though he’s with a brand new team team. The Vikes organization is a joke and Favre will get Coach Brad Childress fired. If you are a Vikings fan, you might as well start shopping for L.A. Clipper apparel online.
New Cleveland Coac Eric Mangini, a discipe of Bill Belichickenhead, thinks he’s being brilliant by not naming a starting QB yet. Wow. he is fooling everyone. As if opposing coaches are losing sleep over whether to prepare for Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson. Will we beat the Browns 30-13 or 37-6?

Fantasy Draft Survival Kit

Keep these tips in mind for draft day.
1. If you decide to wait to draft a second RB ‘cause you think you got a steal in Bear RB Cedric Benson, please join my league. We will love you. You are a Donator. Your $100 will be greatly appreciated when my Xmas bills come in.
2. If you draft Jet QB Mark Sanchez or Raven QB Joe Flacco, you are going to lose. I would call you a dumbass or a moron, but the people in your league should have done that by now. If they haven’t, please have your league all join my league.
3. Draft Bill WR Terrell Owens and Bill QB Trent Edwards in tandem. That way, when Buffalo gets shutout 5 times times this fall, you CAN SCORE NO POINTS. DUMBASS.
4. Do not draft Kurt Warner. They say he has a bad hip. A bad hip? That’s what grandfathers have.
5. Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger is not a fantasy QB. If you draft him, you will be sorry. I was last year.
6. L.T. stands for Lost Talent. He is done. Do yourself a favor and draft someone else. If you have L.T., trade him today, but not for Cedric Benson.
7. If at anytime this season you set your lineup and you are starting a rookie QB, just tell your wife you want to spend some quality time. Enjoy a day at Macy’s shopping. Before leaving the house take a $100 bill and use it as toilet paper and flush it. That is what you did with your league entry fee.
8. Draft drunk. If you don’t drink, rent a monkey and let him throw s%$# at the draft board to make your picks.
9. If you look at your roster the morning after and feel like you did after waking up after 15 shots of tequila and don’t recognize the coyote sleeping next to you that you thought was a fox the night before, do not fret. You will probably be one of the people who makes 12 free agent pickups the first 2 weeks. You shouldn’t even draft. You should go to the draft and eat the free food, drink the drinks and pick a couple of players. Then the next day just pick up free agents. What’s the difference?
10. When you hear the word DRAFT if the first thing you think of is “Bud Light or Sam Adams,” you should put your wallet back in your pocket and go home. Or to the bar. Spend your money on something you will remember. I mean enjoy.

Funniest s%$# I have heard in years. There was a guy that wanted to get away from his wife so bad he committed a bank robbery to do it. Seriously. He wanted a divorce but his wife said “she would kill herself if he did that.” He was so distraught at the thought of being with her anymore, he bought a BB gun. Yes, I said BB gun. Then he went to the bank. He approached the teller and said he would rob her … with a BB gun. Now she should have laughed and said, “Son’t break the skin with that high-powered weapon,” but he was not discouraged. He then asked the teller to call the police. He waited and even inquired with the teller as to the status of the police’s arrival.
Question: How do you get from LOVE SO STRONG that you are standing in a hot sweaty church with a funky used Tuxedo on in front of a bunch of people you don’t like (her family and yours) saying, “I promise to love you … in sickness and in health … ‘til death do us part” to “I would rather go to prison and get raped by a man named Butch than spend another minute with you?” How does that happen?? My wife has pissed me off plenty of times and moved me to Seattle, the worst place in America (besides Detroit) but I HAVE NEVER thought of going to jail to get away from her. Maybe to a titty bar, but prison?
Finally, we are in the worst recession the country has had in decades and what do you think teachers are doing in Kent, Washington? They are on strike. That is why I hate unions. If those mothers worked for a company, the only strike they’d be on is a hunger strike, ‘cause they’d be out of work. Kent is like the hillbilly part of Seattle. If you have a mullet joke, Kent is in it. And they are on strike. What, they need more mullet training? More auto shop classes to keep their 1980 Camaros on the road? Maybe someone should sue the teachers. You want to make more money? Get another job. I love education, but you know going in what you will make. Strike? In this economy? Wow!

Let’s see if this Viking isn’t ready to send Favre to NFL Valhalla by the time the season’s over … (Photo: blognetnews.com)

BRETT LUCIFER FAVRE is back in the NFL, and come December, Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf will wonder why he sold his soul to the devil to finish 8-8.
Here are just a few reasons why signing Favre is a team-wrecking act of desperation.
1. Favre skips training camp. Everyone says he doesn’t need it. Huh? First, he is on a new team. He doesn’t know the center, the line, the receivers he’ll be throwing to … AND he’s coming off surgery. He’s got a built-in excuse to be bad: he’s rusty. In week 2 of the season, they’ll shrug off his three interceptions by saying it’s really the equivalent of a 4th preseason game. Except the three INTs will count. The loss will count. Every week matters in the NFL.
2. Favre was supposedly “GREAT” last year until he hurt his arm. So he retires, but has surgery so he can play. BUT WAIT. He announced last week he still has “a small tear in his rotator cuff.” Okay, so he sucked at the end of last year ‘cause his arm was bad, and now he has a torn rotator cuff, but don’t worry, that won’t matter. He is ready to play. Look, I have a torn rotator cuff, by the way, and I know this: I can curl some beer and bourbon, but I can’t throw a football in the NFL. This is a repeat of number 1. A built in excuse. The same people who say the situation won’t bother him will use it later to explain his failures.
3. The guy comes on TV this week and says “get ready to catch passes from a legend.” He might have been a legend if he retired five years ago. Not now. Now he’s just an over-the-hill QB who could care less about anything other than the nearest microphone. His legend is like The Alamo. Greatly overrated. Check his playoff record. Among other ignominious accomplishments, who is the only QB in NFL history to throw 2 overtime interceptions in playoff games … BRETT FAVRE.
4. By letting him skip training camp, you have told the rest of the team they don’t mean squat. Favre is bigger than you and the game. But don’t worry. After Favre gets pissed off at Vikings fans for booing his sorry ass this year, he’ll want to go to the Bears next year, which will help you win the division.
5. What do you do with your other QBs after this? You brought in Sage Rosenfels to compete with Tarvaris Jackson for the job and now have essentially told them both they’re not as good as a 40-year old has-been. Until next year. When he’s gone and you desperately try to restore their confidence, as well as the team’s confidence in them.
6. Don’t forget this: the Vikings strength is their run defense and their top two defenders are suspended for 4 games. Chew on that for a while and see a 1-3 start.
… In other menstruating QB news, Jay Cutler forced a trade from Denver to Chicago in order to turn over a new leaf. Now he says he should have a say in personnel decisions. Then he dogged his “best” WR, Devin Hester, for not trying hard enough to break up an interception he threw. WOW. Cutler is nutty. And they traded away the better part of two drafts for him. Head coach Lovie Smith has once again got the S.S. Minnow lost at sea without a depth chart.
Meanwhile, former Bear starter Rex Grossman is out 4-5 weeks with a leg injury. Actually, he has been out 4-5 years with a football-intelligence injury.
Meanwhile, former Bear starter Kyle Orton, traded to Denver in the Cutler deal, threw 3 INTs in his first preseason game. Hold on. The starting QB rarely throws more than 3 passes in a preseason game. New Denver coach Josh McDaniels wanted Cutler out. As they say, be careful what you wish for.
Another NFL player tested positive for performance-enhancing-drugs. Garrett Hartley … A KICKER. On performance-enhancing-drugs. That is comical.
Who was the genius who gave Marcellus Wiley a job on ESPN? Somebody over there has a good sense of humor. Just listen to Wiley pronounce ‘Favre.’
I saw an article that says it is now hip for young men to have potbellies. Now that is just lazy. At least I waited ‘til I was 35 to get a potbelly. Worse, the women are apparently accepting the bellies. That is lazy on their part. Then again, if they accept guys with diamond grills, nasty ass nappy fros and pants hanging off their asses, they’ll apparently tolerate anything. Young girls also think it is okay to be called “Muffin Tops” cuz they have a Michelin ring around their 20-year old waist …
Heard another ridiculous thing via a newscast from Malibu, Calif. The talking head was yammering about a Great White Shark sighting. With temperatures approaching 100 degrees and with all the people rushing to the ocean to cool off, and the Great White sighting, the lifeguards are reported “ready.” Would somebody please tell me what these lifeguards are “ready” for? To be lunch? The last thing I need when I am being eaten by a Great White shark is a lifeguard with some tight red shorts and a little red floatie running down the beach yelling, “Get out of the water!” Well, I would, but thing is I’ve got this Great White hanging on and my whole left leg in his mouth. But the lifeguards are ready. Ready? THAT IS SOME OF THE DUMBEST REPORTING EVER.

Michael Vick and Brett “Maybe in November” Favre. WTF? asks Hartley.

Brett Favre. I told you that loser would eventually screw somebody over. You know who could be the smartest bunch of people involved in this sad saga? The Packers. They wanted to prevent what just happened … planning for him to come in, disrupt the whole team and then back out at the last minute. Favre is an attention whore. And everyone should ignore him. Now the Vikings have been Favred. They bet it all on his coming back. They courted him and allowed him to do what he wanted. Now they have to go back and try to glue the team back together. Just this week, Favre came out and said, “Maybe by November.” What?! And the team is supposed to … what … wait for him in November? They should tell that jackass to piss off and ask Kiln Mississippi High School if he can play for them.
The Vikings look weak and desperate to me. What a sorry organization. I hope QB Tarvaris Jackson has a huge year and they still lose and he tells them to kiss his booty on his way out the door.
WR Braylon Edwards showed up to camp a day late for the Cleveland Browns and then failed his physical. I can understand that. He is a veteran and beat up. He has been in the league, what, a whole two years.
And the Baltimore Ravens are thinking about Michael Vick. So are the Kansas City Chiefs. Desperation. Look, I said it before: he went to prison, and he is a sorry quarterback. He’s also been in jail for 2 years, so he will be sorrier than before. And we haven’t seen him run a route or run back punts or kicks. I wouldn’t sign him. Sometimes you have to just walk away. I wouldn’t want the headache.
I am surprised, however, that the Raiders haven’t offered Vick a 4 year, $50 million contract. Hell, they threw money at Tommy Kelly and Darrius Heyward-Bey. Why not Vick? I am sure somewhere in Lemony Snicket’s (Al Davis’) twisted mind he sees visions of the Raiders of the 70s and wants Vick. Another outcast. Hell, send him to the Bengals. They’ve got so many convicts at their games they have a police holding cell at the stadium.
Plaxico Burress testified today in his own case. What do you say to a grand jury when you are Plaxico? “I was wrong and I apologize to everyone I hurt. I apologize only to myself cause I SHOT MYSELF IN THE LEG. I AM A MORON. I SHOT MYSELF AND AM ON TRIAL FOR IT.” Seriously, WTF?
Fantasy Football is back. And there is a Fantasy Insider or Fantasy Cheat expert everywhere. One of their favorite things is “position battles.” Here is the key: if a player is in a “position battle” for a starting job, then HE AIN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO DRAFT. DON’T BE A DUMBASS.
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates made some trades this week. And after they made the trades, 8 of the 9 opening day starters for the team were on the rosters of other teams. Now THAT is pitiful. They aren’t even trying to field a competitive team. A brand new field and revenue sharing and they aren’t even capable of putting a high school team on the field.
Finally, a driver of a car in Connecticut he was having an unusual problem. He was driving and veered off the road and wrecked up some parked cars. His excuse: he had pet snakes in his pocket. They escaped and while he was trying to retrieve them he wrecked. Now that is a story for you. The most elusive and dangerous trouser snakes in history.