Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: The Stars report that your work life will be a bit stressful this month. To help you survive and thrive, remember that change is a good thing and that finding healthy ways to relieve stress is the key to contentment in life. Therefore, good stress relievers: working out, fishing, knocking boots. Bad stress relievers: binge drinking, throwing hissy fits, knocking heads.

Taurus: Since, ass-trologically speaking, little excitement is in store for you this week, it looks as though it’s up to you to provide some. So, if you just want to chill and rejuvenate this week, do it. But if you want some excitement, try this line out: “You must be a baker, ‘cause you’ve got some sweet buns!”

Gemini: A local Libra recently said to Clouds, “Most Geminis are real jerks.” So, Clouds would like to remind y’all that just like everything else in life, it’s all about choice. We can choose to be kind, compassionate, hopeful and loving. Or we can choose to care only about ourselves and then get ready to have karma kick the snot out of us later. The choice is always yours.

Cancer: Dear Cancerians, Clouds is growing a bit frustrated with you normally wonderful folks. Too many of you right now are stuck in rut of negativity and it’s starting to push those that love you away. So do us — and mostly importantly yourselves — a favor: stop spreading selfish negativity across that great piece of toast know as life and start spreading more of that sweet, homemade jam of love and support you’re so famous for!

Leo: Most Leos probably feel a bit confused right about now. Life has been knocking you around for a while and all you’ve been doing is barely getting back up and into the fight. So, you’ve probably forgotten what it is that drives you to get back up. Well, whatever it is, it’s now getting stronger by the day and, if you can just hang in there a little longer, life is sure to throw in the towel and a bucketload of success at you.

Virgo: Okay, Virgos, on behalf of those that love you, Clouds would like to introduce you to the song these people sing about you, “Over My Head” by Fleetwood Mac: “You can take me to the paradise, but then again you can be cold as ice … I’m over my head, but it sure feels nice.”

Libra: Your lucky days are Fridays. Your lucky color is blue. Finding balance in life is your key, even if that means you have to occasionally holler, Screw You!” Libras tend to take people they love for granted, which can make their view of the world resemble that of a half-passed out drunk — slanted.

Scorpio: Members of this sign often ask Clouds two questions: 1) “How do you know Scorpios so well?” Two) “How do you like your eggs in the morning, Candypants?” To which Clouds usually gives the most common answer Scorpios give to any question, “Sure, why not?”

Sagittarius: While this sign is iconically represented by the Archer, the astrological Archer shouldn’t be confused with “Archer,” FX’s new late night adult comedy cartoon. And since some of you are undoubtedly looking for a little adult action yourselves, try this line from the show: “You’d better call Kenny Loggins, because you’re entering the ‘Danger Zone!’”

Capricorn: Caps are very shrewd, the type of people who prefer brains over brawn. This doesn’t, however, mean they’ll kick someone nice and brawny out of bed just for eating crackers. A roast beef sandwich on the other hand, now that would do it. Therefore, your new mantra: make sandwiches, not enemies.

Aquarius: A big part of why members of this sign are so opinionated is because Aquarius is ruled by Uranus, not to be confused with Myanus, Theiranus or Newt Gingrich. So the following words of wisdom should come in handy this week. They come from the former, aforementioned Speaker of the House (not to be confused with the House of Pancakes): “Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.”

Pisces: It looks as though there’s a personal relationship or two in your life careening toward crisis mode. The good news is that one of two things happen when relationships hit this point. They either end or get stronger. Either way, be sure to think before saying anything such as, “Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable, like a coma!”