Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: There’s so much going on for you right now, ass-trologically speaking, Clouds doesn’t know where to start. Therefore, use the following advice at your own discretion: Always look before you leap; Sometimes love means having to say, “Go crew yourself!”; Karma affects income; The only time a woman wishes she were older is when she’s pregnant.
Gemini: Twins signers love to question and challenge things, especially people, the status quo and, if they’ve been drinking, gravity. As most Geminis know, oftentimes the key to getting the right answer is simply asking the right question. And as most Geminis often forget, questions can sometimes be little more than distractions and energy drains.
Cancer: Your words of wisdom from this week come from a fellow Cancer, Jessica “No relation to Homer” Simpson. As she once said while visiting Capitol Hill, “Love is the universal language and the most important thing in the world.” Proving that even smoking-hot bimbos can be brilliant every once in awhile, too.
Leo: The Stars report that your keys to success for the foreseeable future are: A) Work hard for the love of it, not for the outcome. B) Be present, not omnipresent. C) See by not looking, find by not searching, and enjoy every friggin’ moment of it all without even trying!
Virgo: Last week, the Dow Jones had its highest closing number in almost two years. New home building permits rose for the first time in years, too. Since it looks as though life, especially for you Virgos, is beginning to climb out of the red, your new soundtrack number is the AC/DC classic, “Back in Black” … “Yes I’m let’n loose/From the noose/That’s kept me hanging about/I keep looking at the sky/ Cause it’s gettin’ me high/Forget the hearse ‘cause I’ll never die!”
Libra: Clouds doesn’t claim to know too much about life except for these three things: I) Holding a grudge doesn’t get you anywhere. II) Both gettin’ and givin’ love makes you happy. Tres) Laughter is the best medicine whenever the bars are closed. Now take these words of wisdom and go out there and tackle the world. P.S. You may want to wear a helmet and elbow pads. It gets rough out there.
Scorpio: According to the Stars, this could be the perfect time for you to join two distinct parts of your life. As to what these oddball aspects are and how you’re going to connect them, that’s up to you to figure out. The Stars have started making popcorn so they can sit down and enjoy watching you stitch together a miracle.
Sagittarius: With Mercury in retrograde, patience is the most important trait right now. To help you maintain patience, consider doing the following: Give thanks for all you have in life and remember love is free and so is lovemaking, especially when you use lines such as: “If you’re having trouble reading my body language, why don’t you try using Braille?”
Capricorn: It’s the considered opinion of the Stars that you should start getting to the bottom of things. You know, dig deep … find out what the truth is, what the foundation is really made out of. This won’t be easy, but hang in there and be advised that it’s not the occasional cold shoulder that gets you, it’s the knee to the groin.
Aquarius: With Mercury in retrograde and, as usual, messing around with the ways things work, don’t be surprised by any automotive or home troubles. Remember, a problem can be as big or as small as you allow it to be. Therefore, don’t say anything such as the following to ANYONE trying to help you with a problem: “Are you always this stupid or are you just trying extra hard today?”
Pisces: The Stars suggest you work on compromise this week. Keep an open mind to other peoples’ points of view. To help you do this, or at least help get you into some compromising positions, try this line out: “My socks are having a party. Would your pants like to join ‘em?”
Aries: More than two million people are fans of the Facebook page, “Yelling at Inanimate Objects,” even though the page consists of little more than a picture of a toaster. Since yelling at things that can’t yell back at you is third best form of stress relief behind making-whooppie and long walks, Clouds would like to suggest the following inanimate objects: computers, TV commercials for Snuggies and congressmen.
