Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: A young man was recently arrested in Eugene, Ore., for putting coins in parking meters. It’s seems the guy had been given a ticket and tried to get revenge on the meter reader by not letting any other meters expire. The lesson here, revenge isn’t best served cold, it’s best served without that bitter aftertaste.
Cancer: Keystone, the self-proclaimed “bottle beer taste in a can,” used to have an advertising campaign boasting it prevented “bitter beer face.” Of course, with the popularity of brews such as “Arrogant Bastard Ale” and “Hop Stoopid,” bitter beer faces are back in style. In that spirit, be sure to sit down long enough to enjoy a beer with someone special, so long as you don’t let “bitter beer face” turn into “bitter life face.”
Leo: After a long and weary journey, you’ve finally made your way to the cusp of the promised land. Therefore, wield your power wisely and listen to some Neil Young, “He came dancing across the water, with his galleons and guns, looking for that new world in that palace in the sun. Hate was just a legend and war was never known; the people worked together and they lifted many stones.”
Virgo: To help you celebrate “Small Business Week,” spend some of your hard earned money with a local small business. Not only will this make you happy, it’s sure to give you the kind of karma that’ll boomerang back into your life. Just remember that whatever you throw out there — love, positive vibrations, poopy diapers, stabs in the back — always comes back around.
Libra: This week’s full moon should’ve ushered in a respite for you. So take some down time this week. Go camping, have some friends over or just unplug from everything. And be sure to quote Ferris Bueller often, “The question isn’t ‘what are we going to do?’ The question is, ‘what AREN’T we going to do?’”
Scorpio: Here are your Universal truths for the week: Luck likes discipline. Joanie loves Chachi. Like leads to love, or at least positions that resemble love. Everybody loves Raymond. I like Mike. If loving you is wrong, then it looks like I’m gonna to have to repeat high school. Love makes love.
Sagittarius: In this topsy-turvy world, it’s easy to lose your way. So if you’re looking for some solid, or even questionable, advice at the moment, help yourself to something from the following list of Irish proverbs: A) The light heart lives long. B) It is not a secret if it’s known by three people. C) If you are lucky enough to be Irish, you are lucky enough already.
Capricorn: Excuse Clouds for a moment, but this simply must be said: “You deserve to be loved, worshipped, fawned-over and fawned-under!” And so Clouds wants you to know that’s exactly how you will be treated, except on those rare (and growing rarer, right?) times when you’re acting like a knob.
Aquarius: Your element is Air. Your animals are exotic birds. Your opposite sign is Leo. Your farts only smell good to you. You are naturally creative, as evidenced by that fellow Aquarian and Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, Wallace Stegner: “Talent lies around in us like kindling waiting for a match.”
Pisces: The Stars are asking you to be smart, even cautious with your money as summer gets set to start. They’re also advising that you don’t bite off more than you can chew, especially at work. At least at home, you always know there’ll be somebody to give you the Heimlich maneuver, or give you a swift (but loving and much-needed) kick to the backside.
Aries: In Mexico, they sell a beer called the “Ballena,” pronounced “buy-yah-nah” and usually done so while burping. Ballena means whale in English, and is only sold south of the border. Since it probably feels as though you’ve been dragging a whale around for the last couple of months, a little time in the sun is just what the Doctor has ordered for you, although Dr. Clouds isn’t a real Doctor and only plays one in the bedroom.
Taurus: Your self-confidence mantra for the warm weather months shall be: “I’m so cool I should be teaching classes at Cucumber U.” And your break-the-ice social starter for the week: “Excuse me, but did you know (insert odd statistic such as ‘whale sharks are the biggest fish in the world’ here). Well, you do now. No need to thank me.”
