Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: Dancing, be it done in a club, a car or the boudoir, on top of tables at Hyde or across the front lawn, is good for you. It helps the good chemicals release from your noodle. Therefore, try dancing along to some words from fellow Cancerian, Robert Hunter: “I spent a little time in the mountains. I spent a little time on the hill. Saw some things gettin’ out of hand. But I guess they always will.”
Leo: Dyslexia is a disease wherein the person sees letters and words all scrambled up like a Denver omelette. But it turns out, per usual, that what at first appears to be a curse, can really be a blessing. After all, they do serve bacon, “the happy-making meat,” for breakfast for a reason and the ABCs are really backwards anyway. What we really need to learn are our CBAs: Conceive, Believe and Achieve.
Virgo: Here are your words of inspiration for the week, and feel free to pass ‘em along: 1) The best things in life aren’t things. 2) Worrying is a waste of time, energy and potential hanky-panky time. A+) Never let the stinkin’ bastards get the best of you!
Libra: Your anti-role model for the week is General Stanley McChrystal, aka “Colonel Bluto.” McChrystal was pretty much canned from his job as head honcho in Afghanistan because he apparently ran the place like a frat house. So your anti-advice will come from John “Bluto” Blutarsky himself, “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”
Scorpio: Just in case y’all forgot, Clouds wanted to remind each and every last reekin’-of-sex-appeal one of y’all, that you really can do anything. That’s right, any damned thing you put your mind, heart and some heavy elbow-grease to, you can achieve. Of course, as Scorpios, you already know you can do anybody, but don’t forget to apply this like sunscreen to the rest of your life.
Sagittarius: Here are your big questions to ponder while sitting under the shade of a big tree: I) Why do we hold on to negative thoughts as though they are loaded crack pipes? 2) What was the best thing before sliced bread? Tres) If not now, then when? IV) Whatever the heck happened to Preparations A through G?
Capricorn: The full moon this weekend will light up some areas in your home life where issues have been hiding like dust bunnies under the couch. To help you through this, try not moving the couch, or anything else for a couple of weeks. This also includes temporarily holding off on any remodeling you’re planning, unless all you’re doing is adding a stripper pole, in which case Clouds says go for it!
Aquarius: The Stars warn that this weekend’s full moon will trigger stress in the workplace for you. Therefore, your assignment is to not get drawn into any skirmishes. So you should basically become Swedish. You see, just like Switzerland, the Swedes are known for somehow staying out of wars, except unlike the Swiss, the Swedes are also known for partying like Vikings and looking great in swimsuits.
Pisces: This much we know is true: Nobody’s ever going to love you if you can’t love yourself. No one besides Clouds that is, who loves you as if you were a new puppy wrapped in a blanket of C-notes and delivered by the scantily-clad crew from Jersey Shore—sans the cheesy accents, drama and excessive use of hair products. So you’ve got that going for you. Now let’s build on it like we’re putting toppings on a banana split the size of Atlantic City.
Aries: Here are your Eastern Sierra tips for the week 1) Drink lots of water. Two) Apply sunscreen liberally. 3) Apply love even more liberally. 4) Life is time and time is all there is. 5) Don’t feed, fondle or hug the wildlife, including local politicians.
Taurus: In 1996, country music crooner Garth Brooks refused to accept an American Music Award, because he thought Hootie and Blowfish deserved it more. This year, Darius Rucker, former Hootie leadman, has now had three straight singles reach #1 on the country charts. The lesson: Sometimes all you have to do is add a little twang.
Gemini: To help you balance your dual-personalites, pick out two of the three new mantras below and hang them on opposing walls in your place. A) The future belongs to those willing to get their hands dirty. b) “Great love and great achievement require great risk”-the Dalai Lama. C-minus) When everything seems to be going well, you’ve obviously overlooked something.
