Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Leo: This weekend’s full moon will cast a rosy glow on any relationships you already have, but it’ll also cast a shadow of doubt on anyone new in your life. To help you make the most out of this, only say yes to the following question if you already know the person asking it: “How’d ya like to play a game of UPS, cause I’d really love to deliver you a package?”
Virgo: Here are your tips for the week: 1) Don’t drive when you’re feeling tipsy. 3) Tip your cap for the Late George Steinbrenner — or at least to the “Seinfeld” caricature version. 6) There’s no such thing as just the tip. 66.) And from Indian poet Rabindranath Tagore: “Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf.”
Libra: Okay, Libras, here’s a weekly reminder to keep your attitude so positive that you’re tooting cotton candy and burping smiles. Sunshine is still free. You deserve to be loved. You can read — and obviously have great reading taste. You deserve to be fondled just the way you like it — unless you’re in Alabama, in which case, some of what you like is probably illegal.
Scorpio: The Stars say this is the perfect time to get some down time. If you want to get down and boogie, that’s fine, too; just be sure to include your family in some of your rejuvenating activities. Therefore, try adding some Sly and the Family Stone to your inner iPod: “I am no better and neither are you. We’re all the same whatever we do. I, I, I … am everyday people!”
Sagittarius: Earlier this week, basketball legends best known as “Larry,” “Magic” and “MJ” all spoke out against the LeBron James trying to take the easy way to a championship ring by signing with the other top two players in the league. To give yourself some anti-LeBron karma, try adopting a line from Air Jordan, “You reach. I teach.” Or Bird, “I’m just looking around to see who’s gonna to finish up second.”
Capricorn: The Stars are highlighting your finances right now. As with everything else, this too will be about balance. So try not to make any big purchases, be prepared for a bump in the road and whatever you do, don’t adopt the new motto of Ocean Beach: “Don’t Feed Our Bums!”
Aquarius: Since you’re still in the midst of a period when your personality is more attractive to people than dumpsters full of honey are to black bears, this would be as good a time as any for singles to make a move on someone who catches your eye. To help start or relight a spark, try this one out: “It’s a good thing I’ve got my library card with me, because I’m totally checking you out.”
Pisces: It looks as though this is the perfect time to start a new project or business of your own. Of course, the keys to your success will be the same as ever: Work hard. Have faith. Put your heart into it. Believe in sweat equity. Visualize sweet success. Give yourself a break. Don’t get addicted to Crystal Meth.
Aries: Here are your big questions to ponder for the week: How can something be “new” and “improved” at the same time? Are eyebrows considered facial hair? Why aren’t you visualizing the life of your dreams more often? How do you know when you’re out of invisible ink?
Taurus: One of the best things we humans can do for ourselves, physically, spiritually and psychologically, is to regularly get outside and get some exercise, sunshine and fresh air. If you’re having trouble finding the time to get out, try asking yourself this question: “What fits your schedule better: exercising for an hour a day or being dead for 24 hours a day?”
Gemini: A recent study has shown that New “Cow” Hampshire and Virginia “is for lovers of cheesy licenses plates” are the top two states for vanity plates for vehicles. To help you get the feel of this form of self-expression, please pick your own new vanity plate. Here are some suggestions: “U IDIOT,” “FLASHME,” “H8 H8TERS,” “UP OURS” or “MMMBACON.”
Cancer: In honor the passing of fellow, and famously stubborn and opinionated, Cancerian George Steinbrenner, select your own new mantra from “The Boss.” 1.) “I’m really 95 percent Mr. Rogers and only 5 percent Oscar the Grouch.” Other 1.)“I will never have a heart attack. I give them.”
