Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Leo: Earlier this week in Berlin, Germany, a cat left alone somehow turned on a vacuum cleaner, which scared a neighbor so much she called the Fire Department. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to get back in touch with your inner feline: trust your gut more than your mind, nap when you need it, get frisky and don’t worry about coughing up hairballs.
Virgo: Your lucky color is taupe. Your lucky stone is peridot. And your classic, good luck Virgo line for the week, courtesy of one of Clouds’ heroines: “You know what I like to do? Answer my own questions.”
Libra: Here’s your good news for the week: A federal judge found Wells Fargo guilty of screwing people over for overdraft protection. The bank has to pay back customers more than $2 million. And your great news for the week: There’s no reason in the world that your biggest dreams can’t come true if you’re patient, hopeful, hard-working, and your biggest dream isn’t to make Clouds wear a turtleneck.
Scorpio: According to a report on Headline News, iPhone users have sex more often than non-iPhone users. Of course, this can only mean three things: 1) Clouds is going to be getting an iPhone immediately. 2) It looks as though most Scorpios probably already own one. 3) Post-It Note stock is going to take it in the shorts.
Sagittarius: To help you remember the simple truth that you get what you ask for, and to help you clarify just what it is you’re asking for, your words of wisdom for the week will come from the late, former Senator from the great state of Alaska, Ted Stevens: “I am guilty of asking the Senate for pork and proud of the Senate for giving it to me.”
Capricorn: Please select your own advice for the week from the following selection of Mark Twain quotes: 1) “All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.” 2) “All generalizations are false, including this one.” 3) “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
Aquarius: A road working crew in North Carolina recently marked the road going into a high school by painting upon it: “SHCOOL.” Maybe the contractor just had a lisp. Still this is better than what happened in Miami last year when a crew painted “SCOHOL.” This just goes to show you that nobody’s perfect, especially when they grow up down south.
Pisces: To help Pisces learn to let go, evolve, love like a lion and rebound like a rabid beast, your words of wisdom will come from fellow Piscean, Gold Medal winner/TV Show Host/World Champ/Rapper/Philosopher/Movie Star/new Celtic, Shaquille “St. Shaqtrick” O’Neal: “Everybody’s not going to have the same opinion. You have to take everything that comes and not complain about it.”
Aries: In honor of this weekend’s Blue Sky Music Festival, please remember, “Puff, Puff, Pass” and to add a little Toad the Wet Sprocket to your life’s soundtrack: “Now back at the homestead where the air makes you choke and people don’t know you and trust is a joke, we don’t even have pictures, just memories to hold that grow sweeter each season as we slowly grow old.”
Taurus: Since your mindset is the key to living a happy and successful life, and because your brain needs exercise as much as do your abs and glutes, try this: When you wake up in the morning pick a word such as “environment,” “economy,” “injury” or “bikini-tans” (depending on which channels you watch) and each time you hear someone on the tube utter it, try to repeat the previous three to five words said before it.
Gemini: One of life’s certainties is that every once in a while it’s going to rough you up a bit. You know, challenge you, push you, basically kick you in the butt and then send you a bill for it. To help you pay the bill, be sure to commit lots of random acts of kindness and, if necessary, slather your sore backside with Ben Gay.
Cancer: A recent study has shown that some of the worst paying careers for college grads go to professions dealing with childcare and education. This, of course, calls to mind that great song from the movie Team America: World Police: “America! F#@$ Yeah!” Therefore, your mission for the week is to be the opposite of America and get your priorities straight.
