The sports world has kept tossing me s%$# lately. And I’ve been doing a lot of ducking. LeBron, Haynesworth, Favre … I just kept bobbing and weaving, slipping the punches. Major haymakers. But then the Rams tapped me with a jab on the chin and I couldn’t take it anymore.
First up: Redskin DT Albert Haynesworth. That sorry ass held out all off-season talking about how the team was screwing him. But he was losing weight and keeping in shape … in hopes, obviously, that they wouldn’t make his punk ass play nosetackle. Not only would I make him play nosetackle, I would do it all training camp and punish him with blocker after blocker and wind sprint after wind sprint. When I got done with his fat ass he would give back the $21 million roster bonus just to get away from me.
“Retired” QB Brett Favre. How many years can this go on? Every one of his statements is a contradiction. Example:
I don’t care about the people doubting me. They are the same ones saying I would suck last year and look at the year I had. I know I can still play … I am not saying I will be as good as last year and keep my interceptions down, though.
HUH? He has already set himself up to fail. He does it every year. The ankle’s fine one day. The next day it hurts so much he can’t even walk. The elbow? It’s fine until he throws a few picks.
I bet Favre has a a media room in his house nicer than anything ESPN could imagine with about 50 TVs with smart chips that scan all channels 24/7 for his name or image and automatically tune the TVs to those channels. And he has a big fat chair in the middle of the room with a KY dispenser in it just in case he gets too excited by own image. And while he’s sleeping, the system monitors for Favre saturation. When there aren’t enough TV stories about him, it triggers pre-planned messages he has in his Twitter account and stored on his Verizon account so they can immediately send out messages to players and team executives with some kind of encrypted message to increase Favre news traffic.
ESPN’s Ed Werder has covered sports for years only to be sent to Favre’s hometown to stalk him like a cheap National Enquirer gossip reporter. I’d quit.
LeBron James. What a bunch of crap that was. Look, I don’t blame him for leaving and he doesn’t owe Cleveland anything. They had him 7 years and couldn’t do any more for him than put an old fat decrepit Shaq on the court with Mo Williams, et. al. So Cleveland screwed that up. My problem with Lebron is the two-year recruiting trip ending with the one-hour train wreck of an announcement special. It was tasteless, classless and juvenile. His problem is he missed the high school recruiting trips and the press conference where he could put on the hat for the school he was choosing. So he got his recruiting trip later.
More important, he and Dwyane Wade playing together is like a couple of guys sharing a pony (7 oz.) beer. That s$#@ is going to end in disaster. Either one of them with Chris Bosh is a great match, but two superstars on the court at the same time who have to handle the ball to be effective is a recipe for disaster.
… I am sitting here running out of bourbon and it occurred to me that the state of Washington doesn’t care about the public. If it did, they would have liquor delivery. They want drunk drivers off the streets? Then deliver it to their doors.
But what really brought me back
The St. Louis Rams. Sorry teams are sorry for a reason. Their decision-making rivals Lindsay Lohan on a post-rehab bender.
The latest? The Rams have given rookie QB Sam Bradford a $78 million contract with $50 million guaranteed. He now has a better contract than EVERY player in the NFL.
This for a player, albeit talented, who has torn up his throwing shoulder two times already and hasn’t done a damn thing in the NFL.
Speaking of which, If I hear one more report about how good someone looks at training camp I am going to throw up. He looks real good running around in mock drills and playing two-hand tag. Then the real game starts. Uh-oh.
And second-year Jet QB Mark Sanchez is running his mouth again about what a leader he is. Interesting. Did you know the Jets have a color-coded system they designed for him that says Green-Pass, Yellow-Think, Red-No. He must be awesome in traffic school.
Cowboy first-round WR Dez Bryant. You now know why people questioned his character. Not that he is a bad guy, he just may not be mature enough to handle everything coming his way. The way he responds to things is just stupid. He should carry his publicist around in his pocket. Then, every time he thinks about opening his mouth, he can take out his publicist and ask what to say. He has no clue and is in the media hotspot of Dallas Cowboy land. They’re gonna eat his ass up.
Teams that will wish their player contracts were like that $10 fishing pole you bought at Walmart and wish you could get your money back for:St. Louis Rams. Already covered.
Cleveland Browns. I have said for years, your best player cannot be your Tight End or your KR/PR. If either is the case, you suck. So for the Browns to pay Josh Cribbs was just stupid. I’m not saying he didn’t need a raise, but … if you want to get paid star money, grow some damn thumbs and learn how to catch.
Vikings. Offering Favre more money. For what? More Interceptions. They are screwed. No backup plan at QB. OUCH.
New York Knicks. Amar’e Stoudemire. You paid $100 million for a high-jumping slam dunk artist who plays less defense than a Congressional hooker. Oh, and he can’t jump high anymore. Uh-oh. He has been in the league how long and I can beat him at horse if you keep him more than 5 feet from the bucket.
Denver Broncos. Tim Tebow. The man that destroyed a franchise. He will get himself cut and the coach and GM fired. AND the owner stoned in the town square. Hilarious … a pro QB who can’t run fast and can’t throw. I heard a reporter from their training camp saying he looks great if they run him out of the shotgun on runs right up the middle. That is your franchise? A QB running the shotgun QB draw at 360-pound nosetackles? I hear Tebow’s religious. Good. He’d better start praying, cuz there are 32 middle linebackers laughing their asses off right now. A QB that runs a 4.6 forty with no elusiveness being served up by his head coach on draws and option plays? Suit me up!
Bengals. This isn’t a compilation of head cases and convicts being signed in the NFL by various teams over the last 10 years, this is a list of Bengals signings THIS YEAR. Adam Jones and PacMan Jones (aka Crackman and PacMan). Antonio Bryant. They already have Chad Johnson, who is harmless, but a distraction at times. Then they sign Terrell Owens to give their QB another fine upstanding character to deal with. The Bengals have that “go for broke mentality” that is going to eventually turn them into what the Portland Trailblazers were in the NBA.
Jets. The Jets are this 7-9 season from Rex Ryan being Jerry Glanville and Buddy Ryan in one disgusting package. This year’s signings: Santonio Holmes, dumped by the Steelers for a 5th rounder, Antonio “I have more kids than Shawn Kemp” Cromartie (the Jets paid his back child support of $500,000 just to bring him in) and Braylon “no hands” Edwards on the team. Plus Ladainian Tomlinson is dying to prove (incorrectly) he’s still a great player.
Chargers. See above. Your TE is your best player. OUCH.
Baltimore Ravens. How does WR Donte Stallworth walk out of jail and get an NFL contract? Quick, how long has Donte been in the NFL (excluding jail time) and how many times has he had more than 60 receptions in a season and how many times has he had 1,000 yards receiving OR more than 6 TD receptions in a season? Take a wild guess. Answers: 7 years, one year with more than 60 receptions, never had a 1,000 yard season, had more than 6 TD receptions twice (once 7 and once 8). So why does he keep getting jobs? He killed someone while driving drunk and got a contract immediately after getting out of prison. Damn!
Boston Celtics. Shaquille O’Neal? Really? Do they think their offense has TOO MUICH motion so they signed Shaq to grind it to a screeching halt?
I’ve had enough. I’m like Fat Albert Haynesworth … I ain’t getting paid enough for this s%$#.