Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Libra: Like most humans, Libras tend to have a shortcoming or two. However, like most humans who work for British Petroleum, Libras are loathe to admit these shortcomings. They’re afraid to even use verbiage such as “shortcoming” or “you’re right.” To help overcome your human frailties, never forget the Germans celebrate your astrological season by throwing massive keggers.
Scorpio: Life is really nothing more than a series of choices. Hit the snooze button or get up? Toast or English muffin? Fries or a salad? Flip the guy off who cut you off in traffic or not? Pants or the “no-pants-dance?” Hopeful or hopeless? Watch TV or read? Make love or make war? Have a nightcap or just sleep without one? Therefore, your advice for the next year of your life is the same given to Indiana Jones in his quest for the Holy Grail: Choose wisely.
Sagittarius: Your advice for the week is universal in nature. Never go to bed angry. Always floss before you brush. Never be afraid to tell someone you love ‘em. Always leave a tip, because it’s not the busboy or cook’s fault the waiter is a tool. Kindness, patience and humility make the best tools, although hissy-fits are more immediately rewarding.
Capricorn: If you can be open-minded and accepting this week, the Stars promise to grant you insight about what you really value in life. Therefore, your new words of eternal wisdom are these: There are no such things as accidents in life — just never admit this to your insurance agent or if you work at the birth control factory.
Aquarius: Your assignment for the week is to be more like Stuart Smalley and start giving yourself daily affirmations. You know, spend some time in front of the mirror telling yourself things such as, “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people find my (insert second favorite body part) irresistible and my (insert: stories about your hobbies, favorite food or sexual misadventures) priceless.”
Pisces: This week is the perfect time to start working on your goals. To help, try figuring out exactly what those goals are and then make this statement from fellow Pisces William Jennings Bryan your new motto: “Destiny is not a matter of chance. It’s a matter of choice.”
Aries: The Stars are suggesting that you heed the advice of a friend this week. To help clarify, real friends: Are there to help you up and put a smile back on your face after life kicks you to the curb. Fake friends: Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and the other goofy-looking one.
Taurus: The latest self-help product to hit the market is a condom-infused with nicotine. They’re designed to help people trying to quit smoking, and people tend to have an easier time doing so after making whoopee. Of course, this should just serve as another reminder to you that while there may not be any stupid questions, there are certainly a lot of stupid ideas.
Gemini: With autumn making its way in like wild horses headed to warmer climes, this would be a good time to lay off the reins of your life for awhile. Instead of running your butt off, try spending more time hanging at the stable with your posse. You might even get rewarded with some rubdowns or big carrots.
Cancer: Clouds has always believed that the truth is the best answer, unless you can come up with a really entertaining lie, something that involves alligators or full frontal nudity. The Stars say your romantic life could easily be as hot as a microwaved burrito right now. Therefore, your keys for success in any such amorous adventures will be honesty, flexibility and cautious use of hot sauce.
Leo: You’re at your best when you are seeing — and helping to bring out — the best in those you care about. To help get you in the right mindset, please pick out your new mantra for the week: A) If it weren’t for the darkness, we couldn’t see the stars. b) Change is inevitable, except from soda machines. G) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Virgo: In Colombia, it’s customary to give a chicken a shot of booze before you turn it into dinner. This piece of information may come in handy at some point in this week, as any similar type of respectful, positive move on your part should not only pay dividends in your karma account, but also give you someone to drink with.
