Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Libra: Your new role model is a Whirling Dervish. Whirling Dervishes are members of a Turkish Muslim sect who believe that the path to enlightenment can be attained by whirling around in a circle. Work on discovering your own unique path to enlightenment, but if it causes you to projectile vomit like a sprinkler, choose another path.
Scorpio: The Stars report that for the next few weeks, your intuition will rival that of The Dude from The Big Lebowski. Therefore, make time to meditate, so long as you don’t meditate to this Dud-ism: “What do you do for recreation? Oh the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.”
Sagittarius: Here are your pieces of infinite wisdom for the week: Gravity always works against you. Sagittarians are at their best when they’re spreading optimism like cream cheese on a bagel. The best bagels in the world are made by H and H in New York City. One of the most neglected slang terms for male genitalia is “Chimichanga and the Avocados.”
Capricorn: The Universe is full of mind-boggling mysteries like the Bermuda Triangle or why Hemingway ended it all or when did Lady Gaga sell her soul to the devil. The power of money is also rather mysterious. But it need not be. All money asks is that you respect where it comes from, appreciate where it goes and that you don’t treat it the way Lady Gaga treats her roots.
Aquarius: Please select your own advice for the week from one of Clouds’ heroes, Justin’s Halpern’s dad: 1) “Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?” 2) “Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog $#*!.”
Pisces: Lao Tzu wrote that we find by not seeking, which, so far, hasn’t helped locate Clouds’ copy of Lao Tzu’s book. Nonetheless, the Stars say that spiritual and alternative aspects of life will be finding you. So your words of wisdom come from the very late Lao Tzu, “Fail to honor people, they fail to honor you.”
Aries: In case you’ve started a new relationship and you’re not sure how to share some of your adventurous or perhaps illegal past, Clouds reminds you that you are allowed to plead the Lynyrd Skynyrd Amendment, which reads “Don’t ask me no questions and I won’t tell you no lies. So don’t ask me about my business and I won’t tell you good bye.”
Taurus: Just in case you sometimes feel like nobody cares about you or your needs, Clouds would like to point out a few people who might take a little umbrage with this; namely, the rest of the friggin’ Universe, except for the guy who stole your parking spot at Stellar Brew.
Gemini: Studies have shown the average American between the ages of 15-24 spends about four minutes per day reading. If this trend continues we’re all screwe. Suggestion: Spend that four minutes reading Horrorscopes!
Cancer: Since Scotland is ruled by Cancer, here are your power statements for the week. First, courtesy of the cult classic, So I Married an Axe Murderer: “If it’s not Scottish, it’s craaaap!” Third, courtesy of Clouds, “If it’s not the way I want it, you can all kiss my perfectly sculpted Cancerian backside!”
Leo: Your greatest challenges in life are to figure out what’s important and what’s not, who should stay in your life and who needs to take a long walk on a short pier and, if it snows, should you shovel or make snow angels? No matter what, choose to be happy. If that means keeping those plaid briefs with a hole in the butt and dumping the friend who always buys you beer but talks nonstop about high school, so be it.
Virgo: The Stars want you to be open to any random encounters this week, so please heed these words from fellow Virgo, “Mister Short-shorts” himself, Gene Simmons: “I love myself…and it helps to be delusional, because if you don’t love yourself who else is gonna want to love you?”
