Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Libra: Since last week’s new moon officially ushered in the next year of your life, Clouds suggests you start it off the right way: map out some serious goals and garner the optimism of Angus Young, an Australian guitar player who’s had about six too many oilcans of Foster’s lager. To help, your new anthem will be courtesy of AC/DC: “It’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock ‘n roll!”
Scorpio: Even though they can sometimes be as absentminded as a nursery rhyme, Scorpios possess the will power of those little old ants. You know, the ones that moved the rubber tree plant, even though that lady singing the song about them thought they didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell?.Well that’s you, dear Scorpio. You can accomplish anything you put your heart and mind to, no matter who’s singing about how you can’t!
Sagittarius: There are those who believe that friends are the family we choose for ourselves. There are those who believe that the reason friends argue is because it gives them an opportunity to help one another heal. There are those who believe that you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. All of these people are right; although the nose picker theorists are the most right.
Capricorn: The only thing preventing you from accomplishing your dreams is not spending enough time dreaming about them. Therefore, your new assignment is to work on creative visualization. Actively daydream about your dream life and whatever you do, don’t let reality stand in your way. It never slowed down successful Caps such as Andy “Mr. Eyebrows” Rooney or Benedict Arnold.
Aquarius: Earlier this week, future Hall of Fame football player and fellow free-spirited, fiercely independent Aquarian Randy Moss, was once again traded for the equivalent of a bag of chips and a couple of half-off coupons for a Grand Slam at Denny’s. The lesson: It’s never worth it if everyone’s just going to think you’re some screwed up butt-head, and they’d rather eat their own socks than be around you.
Pisces: With lots going on astrologically right now, most folks will be sort of pulling away from other people for awhile. While this can be good, it can also be challenging. Therefore, if you feel like reaching out to anyone right now, a version of this line is sure to help: “You’re like my favorite candy bar — fun to unwrap, sweet and totally nutty.”
Aries: October should be a pretty good, and very full month for Rams. The biggest challenges will be: not to make any major decisions and be wary of communication mix-ups. To help ensure that misunderstandings don’t escalate, try to not say anything such as: “He says po-ta-toe. You say po-tah-to. I say you can both go screw yourselves!”
Taurus: Your good luck color is green. Your good luck number is 4. You are extremely possessive. You have a gift for being patient and affectionate. If you’re in need of some affection or a laugh (which is always positively effective), try out this one: “My name may not be Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want.”
Gemini: The good news: Geminis are great communicators. The bad news: communication in general is going to be a challenge for a few weeks. In other news, the most common Gemini communication is: “You know, sex without love is an empty experience. But, as far as empty experiences go, it’s tough to top.”
Cancer: Your best matches can be found with Taurus, Leo, Virgo and especially Scorpios. Unfortunately, it looks as though personal relationships will be a bit off until just before Thanksgiving. To help keep interactions with such people on the short-and-sweet, try this one out: “Are you going to kiss me or am I going to have to lie on Facebook?”
Leo: You folks are known for being honest to a fault. The Stars say that you are going to be using your Pinocchio-in-reverse powers to an extreme this week. But the Stars also advise being sensitive to the feelings of those upon whom you are about to unleash your “Truth Bombs.” Remember, every cloud has a silver lining, except for a mushroom cloud, which is usually lined with lethal radioactivity.
Virgo: Since it looks as though your love life is about to getter hotter than “The Jeffersons” Nielsen ratings circa 1978, it seems only fitting that you add a little Jefferson offspring, Lenny Kravitz, to your soundtrack: “Thinking positivity, yeah. If you wanna be with me. I’ll take you to the promise land. Come on baby take my hand. Stop draggin’ around!”
