Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: The fifth planet of Jupiter rules this sign. Jupiter is the largest planet, roughly 300 times the size of the Earth. This should help explain why you always have an urge to explore and be in open spaces. It should also help explain why the rest of us sometimes find you as baffling as fellow Sag, poet Ezra Pound: “When the mind swings by a grass-blade/ an ant’s forefoot shall save you.”
Capricorn: Your pieces of almost completely useless information for the week are as follows: The average American eats 18 pounds of turkey per year. The first Thanksgiving actually took place on June 29. The U.S. produces more than 690 million pounds of cranberries each year. And people who don’t believe their biggest wishes can come true are technically classified as “Jive Turkeys.”
Aquarius: Aquarius is one of the oldest constellations in the sky. And as we all know, with age usually comes wisdom, and hair growth in strange places. Therefore your words of wisdom are this: The more you learn, the more you realize just how much you don’t know, and the more you tend to know about hair removal. Clouds prefers either “Brazilian” or “ ‘70s-style afro-natural.”
Pisces: Pisces are deeply emotional people, but they often try to ignore their emotions and just go with the flow. This is, of course, unhealthy. Therefore the challenge for all these fishy folks is to turn downstream every now again and take an honest and forgiving look at their pasts — and to remember not to do so while taking a tinkle.
Aries: With good energy highlighting family and community as Thanksgiving arrives, you should have plenty to be thankful for. Unfortunately, this will be one of the rare occasions when Clouds’ normal celebratory advice of full frontal nudity should be ignored, as most of your family just doesn’t want to see that much of you.
Taurus: If the good people of this sign have one shortcoming, it’s that they occasionally get so wrapped up in what should be trifling details that they let their moods and attitudes wallow in the muck like pigs looking for truffles. But since there are two kinds of truffles, and both can be delicious, please remember: Sometimes the best things in life get covered in crap.
Gemini: In honor of Conan O’Brien’s triumphant return to TV, and because his wacky style suits most Geminis’ sense of well being, feel free to pick your own advice for the week from one of his quotes: 1) “If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity drink.” Dos) “If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk.” Cubed) Scientists announced they have located the gene for alcoholism … they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”
Cancer: Since so many wordsmiths are born under this sign, it seems only fitting that your words of wisdom for the week should come from an American we can all be thankful for, Thomas Jefferson. As TJ once advised, “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.”
Leo: In some ways, Clouds considers Horrorscopes to be a form of poetry. These 12 weekly diatribes usually seem to fall somewhere between sonnets and dirty limericks. In this vein, here’s your latest: “There once was a man from Nantucket, who … had nothing but his own special gift. Nothing more than a trouser snake version of what each one of us has. Get the drift?”
Virgo: The Stars are reporting that you — like a few other signs — have entered a period of great personal growth. To make the most of this, be sure to keep your heart open and your thoughts positive. If any negativity tries to make its move on you, make this your private power saying: “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Anything you say bounces off me and gets stuck up your sphincter!”
Libra: Here is your useless information for the week: Jellyfish are only made up of 5% solid matter. Jelly donuts, much like happiness, often make up for in height what they lack in depth. And as “Jelly Roll” poet Kevin Young wrote: “I am counting blessings I never before spoke.”
Scorpio: In Machu Picchu, the ancient remains tucked high in the mountains of Patagonia, they have a “star reflecting pool.” It’s designed so that you don’t have to look up to see the Stars. No wonder, despite their engineering brilliance, they died out. They missed the whole point. The lesson here: remember to look up!
