Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: Like most of us, it’s easy for Clouds to be a fan of the folks under this sign. They’re bright, creative, fun to socialize with and pig-headed enough to keep things interesting. Therefore, in between attending numerous soirees this month, be sure to spend a little quiet time visualizing success in work and love. In case you were wondering, success smells a lot like bacon.
Capricorn: The Stars forecast lots of action on the love front for many signs this month, including yours, Caps. Therefore, here’s a shot of amorous self-confidence courtesy of musician John Legend: “Maybe it’s me, maybe I bore you. I know. No, it’s my fault. I can’t afford you. But maybe, baby, Puffy, Jay-Z, would all be better for you. ‘Cause all I can do is love you.”
Aquarius: In honor of this past week’s passing of one of Clouds’ heroes, Leslie Nielsen, your words of self-discovery will be provided by this classic, lost-in-his-own-little-universe, Aquarian: “This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!”
Pisces: In case you’ve been undergoing any recent relationship strains, Clouds advises trying to keep things cool, for great days are soon to arrive. To keep your heart a-pumping, remember this line from the late, great Leslie Nielsen: “Jane, since I’ve met you, I’ve noticed things that I never knew were there before … birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf … stoplights.”
Aries: Your assignment for the week is to write someone a kind letter, e-mail or Christmas card. For the record, cards in honor of Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Hello Kitty, Hannah Montana, Pamela Anderson or David Hasselhoff are also acceptable. Sticky notes, however, are not — unless you deliver the sticky notes in person, and they’re all you’re wearing.
Taurus: With the holiday season now raging like a severe case of hemorrhoids, it’s only natural that you may occasionally feel stressed out. To help, here are some stress relievers. A) Find something to laugh at, preferably not a co-worker. II) Don’t describe yourself as being “stressed out,” but rather as “rode hard and put away wet.” Drei) Find someone to practice deep breathing and/or panting with.
Gemini: Members of this sign tend to be loners, but that’s because with at least two personalities, they’re never really alone. Since Clouds’ favorite company while penning your weekly Horrorscopes goes by the name of Jim Beam, it will help you make the most of this social month if you don’t get too friendly with Jim, and don’t go anywhere that hussy, Veuve Clicquot — unless you’re celebrating, in which case go nuts … responsibly!
Cancer: Sometimes, even though the world is your oyster, you just can’t shuck it open. Other times, the world is your oyster and not only is someone shucking it open for you, they’re also mixing up some hot sauce and a cocktail to go with it. Just such a beautifully chaotic success of a time is about to wash over you. All you’ve got to do is remember not to drink and drive anything … except the remote control and/or your partner.
Leo: Ultimately, the only thing we can control in life is our attitude, so you might as well keep it positive. It will not only make life more enjoyable and successful, but also immensely improve your chances of getting lucky. To help, heed these words from Voltaire: “Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
Virgo: The Stars say that during the next couple of weeks you should begin to have more clarity about how to make your passions pay off. To help the process, try handing out good karma as if it were candy canes and you’ve been surrounded by elementary school kids and elves.
Libra: Your big question for the week: What are your favorite four-letter words? Are they variations of: screw, poop, knob, damn, cops, hole or ABBA? If so, or if you find yourself uttering even more foul four-letter words, you don’t have to wash your mouth out with soap; you just have to start replacing them with ones such as: love, luck, foxy, lick and awed.
Scorpio: To help Scorpios get back in tune with their inner dancing queens and disco dudes, be sure to spend a few minutes relaxing, and at least a minute dancing around to this super tune from Swedish supergroup, ABBA: “I have a dream, a fantasy, to help me through reality. And my destination makes it worth the while. Pushing through darkness makes it worth the while.”
