Off the slopes: Five ways to crush it at iPod battle
Embrace the hype like Flava Flav (Photo courtesy Def Jam Records)
It’s almost instinctual that most people think they should be DJing (myself included) when sauced. This is not debatable.
Ask Whiskey Creek’s DJ Rodney O what the worst thing about DJing is, and without a doubt, he’ll say it’s the inevitable drunk dude who stumbles up to you, spits/shouts in your ear and asks, “Hey man, why don’t you play any Cornershop? You should play Brim full of Asha.”
You then shout back in his ear, “I don’t have that!” He gets upset, “What do you mean you don’t have that?! Play it dude … trust me the chicks will love it!” You shake your head and explain to him the meaning of “I don’t have that,” which, of course, results in the guy turning away and mumbling to his friend, “That guys a dick.”
The frequency of “The Cornershop” argument coupled with the cold hard fact that all drunk people truly believe that they, and they alone are the equivocal experts on all things related to the subject of knowledge (music, sports, politics, whether or not Jon Gosselin is a douche), is what makes DJing so hard.
But that is exactly why Lakanuki’s newly founded iPod Battle Night might be the most entertaining thing to watch since the Shake Weight commercial. Nothing is more satisfying than witnessing some dude who has been complaining year after year that bars should play more Cannibal Corpse, get booed off the stage while some short Hispanic guy blasting “She Bangs” gets a massive round of applause. It’s magical.
After witnessing last week’s tourney I’ve decided there are two reason why iPod battle night will always slay it. 1) It proves that a “Time Cop” dimensional vortex will not open up if the Misfits and Ke$ha co-exist in the same bar on the same night … they’ll just duke it out. And 2) iPod Battle night solves the age old dilemma when at a party and someone asks, “Dammit whose iPod is this? It’s terrible.” And of course, all hope is lost of restoring peace because the dude who owns the iPod is holding onto it with one hand, a beer in the other and is protecting the stereo like a hip-shaking Patrick Roy.
Every Monday night Lakanuki lets the crowd plug in their MP3 players or phones (I only say MP3 player because I think there still might be someone out there with a Zune) and go head-to-head to see who has better jams. The single elimination tourney is decided by the crowd. Every time you advance, you win a shot, and at the end of the night the winner wins a bottle, which, as previously mentioned, makes you more knowledgeable.
Since iPod battle night is a weekly thing on Monday nights at Lakanuki, here are five tips to make sure your iPod survives the night and consequently gets you hammered.
1. Charge your iPod
If we’ve learned anything from Elmer Fudd, it’s that you can’t go into a gunfight without a fully loaded gun. That is why the importance of charging your iPod before the battle should be your top priority. Nothing could be worse than listening to your opponent play “Teach Me How to Dougie” and while you have the perfect song to counter it, you go to hit play on your iPod and all you here is, “You a big fine woman, when you back that….”
2. Turn off your phone
Now that just about all phones can play music, using your phone at the iPod battle is not recommended but not frowned upon. We are all busy people. So just like going to the movie theatre, the concept of turning off your phone at the iPod Battle is just as important as charging it. You don’t want to be in the middle of a song only to have it interrupted with an email for a huge sale on dick pills. Turn off your phone.
3. Don’t be a sourpuss
The beautiful thing about this tourney is that it’s not that different than the Gong Show. Sure, you love Conway Twitty, but you run the risk of assuming that the majority of people in the bar also love “Hello Darlin’.” Song selection is key. So don’t be upset if you get booed. It happens. After all they may not be booing you for your Conway Twitty jam. They might be booing you for your Conway Twitty haircut.
4. Be your own hype man
When the rap group Public Enemy broke onto the scene in 1982, they introduced to the world Flava Flav, the first and arguably most successful hype man. What is a hype man? Basically a hype man is guy who stands up onstage, dances around and yells stuff in the microphone like, “Yeah Yeah, ya’ll heard dat?!” Essentially, it’s a job where you don’t really have to do s%$t. But it’s important. For some reason, people like a good hype man. So when your song is playing, you have to summon your inner Flava Flav. Who knows maybe you’ll get a string of reality shows out of it.
5. Play weird crap
People love Christmas, engagement rings and celebrity guest appearances on Glee. But sometimes people hate surprises like Christmas presents, engagement rings and celebrity guest appearances on Glee. That doesn’t mean we should stop doing ‘em. It’s not a bad idea during an iPod battle to mix it up. Sure, you’ve been killing it with all those Deadmau5 remixes but what if you threw in the theme song to Reading Rainbow. That’ll blow some minds. Besides, everyone loves Levar Burton.
