Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: Members of this sign typically need to be mentally stimulated by a partner before they can become stimulated physically. Unless, of course, they’ve been popping Viagra, drinking 40s like an unemployed ski bum or eating oysters like a sea otter. Therefore, your new mantra is as follows: Before things head to the bed, you’ve got to get things heated up inside my head — or at least have the common courtesy to get me drunk first!
Pisces: For some reason that eludes even Clouds, many Pisces either don’t believe in or refuse to pay attention to astrology. They may be afraid of it, but Clouds is here to assure you there’s no need to be. All a good Horrorscope really does is inform you of the patterns and energies in life; it’s still up to you to master them. For starters, referring to astrology as “mental masturbation” is both perfectly wrong, and perfectly perfect.
Aries: When you really think about it, it’s hard to find fault with the big bad wolf for blowing the pigs’ homes down. After all, who doesn’t love bacon, or washing down some saucy baby back ribs with a tasty brew? Vegans, that’s who! Therefore your assignment for the week is to work on accepting the oddities of others.
Taurus: The neck and throat are the body parts ruled by Taurus, which should explain why so many people born under this sign have a penchant for necking, watching reruns of “Happy Days” and often suffer from colds and sore throats. Therefore, be sure to use Vitamin C-infused throat lozenges regularly, so you’ll feel good enough to say, “Sit on it, Potsie” more often.
Gemini: One of the things hindering Geminis is a penchant for saying things such as, “I’ve been trying to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up my butt.” Part of the reason for this is that most Geminis are subconsciously searching for the perfect person — the other half of their twin. To help keep your search lighthearted, here’s a line from the movie Twins: “Thank you for the cookies. I look forward to tossing them.”
Cancer: To help assure that your head is on securely — which in the case of most Cancers means rather like a happy bobblehead doll — please wear the following quote from fellow Crab sign member, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, as if it were an invisible lei: “To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience is what the seas teach us. Patience and faith.”
Leo: Since unnecessary insecurity can plaque Leos the way a whiskey shortage would stifle the hell out of life in towns of the Old West, your new words of wisdom come from legendary Lioness, Mae West: “I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”
Virgo: Since laughter is good for health, especially the mental and spiritual parts, Virgos, make sure you laugh at one of these: 1) Behind every great woman is a man staring at her butt. Two) When you really break it all down to the basics, life is a sexually transmitted disease. Pi) Hopeless romantic seeks drunken horn dog.
Libra: Too many Libras find fault with belief systems such as astrology. They say, “So what you’re saying here, Clouds, is that just because I was born in late September or early October that means I’m easygoing, artistic, a social butterfly and happiest when in a committed (occasionally committable) relationship? That’s friggin’ crazy!” To which I can only reply, you got it, pal, and maybe it is a little nutty, but it’s better to be thought crazy than proven stupid.
Scorpio: The Stars say you should pay more attention to Feng Shui and the energy your home and work place give and allow to flow. Clean up the clutter and clear the windows and you’re bound to feel more empowered. You see, Scorpios may not realize it right away, but they need organization and steady doses of fresh air the way itches need to be scratched and skis need regular waxing.
Sagittarius: Here are your pieces of questionable usefulness for the week: From the Amazon, a new species is discovered every three days. From the pantry, honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil. From Henry Miller, “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
Capricorn: One of the natural gifts Capricorns possess is the almost magical ability to turn even the most forlorn situations around. As usual, you’ll be asked to do so this month. As a reward for your efforts, patience and love, help yourself to a special nickname, such as “Captain Awesome.” Just don’t try to legally change your name to that; some guy in Oregon already did.
