Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aquarius: Although many people think this is a Water sign, it actually has the element of Air. So, aquatically speaking, your natural state really most resembles a waterfall. Therefore, enjoy tumbling through life and feel free, when necessary, to sing some Sublime. From Badfish: “Ain’t got no quarrels with God. Ain’t got no time to get old. Lord knows I’m weak. Won’t somebody get me off of this reef?”
Pisces: The Stars say you should stop holding grudges ASAP. To help, laugh more often at yourself and the absurdity of it all. These acronyms should be a step in the right direction. ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Stuff. SAAB: Something’s Almost Always Broken. PMS: Potential Murder Suspect DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Aries: Here are your daily affirmations for the week: Today I will believe in myself. Today I will remember to put the toilet seat back down when I’m done. Today I will be odd, but not irritable at work, just enough to keep my co-workers on their toes. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, although so is tomorrow.
Taurus: When opportunity knocks, sometimes all you have to do is open the door. Of course, sometimes opportunity really appreciates it if you answer the door naked, unless, that is, opportunity is being delivered by one of your In-Laws. Therefore your words of wisdom will come from Spinal Tap: “There’s a fine line between stupid and clever.”
Gemini: Geminis usually have the most success in love with Aquarians, Aries and Leos. Therefore, your love life advice for the week is really pretty simple: treat your love like a tube of toothpaste and make sure you squeeze out every drop before you toss it away and move on to the mouth rinse.
Cancer: People of this sign tend to quickly jump to conclusions before they know all the facts. One day you might declare how much you like and respect someone, the next you’re calling them “dumber than a country song and uglier than Lyle Lovett.” To help you be more accepting, sing along with Lyle: “Look around and you will see this world is full of creeps like me. You look surprised; you shouldn’t be.”
Leo: It looks as though the Stars are advising you to start working on your biggest fears in life. For they say that as soon as you can face and overcome them, the rest of your life will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams. To help, here’s a list of odd phobias. Peladophia — fear of bald people. Omphalophobia — fear of belly buttons. Coulrophobia — fear of clowns. And the most damaging one, Geliophobia — fear of laughter.
Virgo: Every stinkin’ one of us is occasionally self-conscious, sometimes insecure and capable of gas so foul it’ll water your eyes, especially if you’ve got the stomach flu or have been eating the “musical fruit” all day. Therefore, accept yourself, and remember to light pleasantly scented candles, incense or a fire under your butt more often.
Libra: Romance looks great for you — and every other sign — for the rest of the month. So here’s a brush up on the basics. Women like romance, mental simulation and answering questions with questions. Men like lingerie, discussing their hobbies and scratching their scrotums. Good luck.
Scorpio: Mars, the planet of aggression and sexuality, is very active this month. In case you were wondering what kind of effect Mars has, here’s an example: Mars is your travel agent and is booking the following trip: You and (significant other/favorite celebrity) spend a week in a secluded sandy beach in (name exotic locale) eating like (royalty/Kardashian family member) and making love like (sea mammals/Kardashian family member).
Sagittarius: While you probably already know it’s important to be impeccable with your word, you may not realize it’s also important to pay attention to your punctuation, especially if you are trying to convey something important or if you’re a small business owner. You never know when a misplaced comma will have people confused about just what kind of message you’re trying to get across. For example, “Tonight’s Special: Lobster, Tail and Beer.”
Capricorn: There are certain realities in life that it’s about time we all faced. One is the fact that each one of us needs to feel loved, occasionally sings while driving and is oddly turned on by things the rest of don’t think twice about, for example … knee pits and Lyle Lovett songs. It’s really all about acceptance, since nobody’s perfect and everybody is a pervert in his/her own wacky way.
