Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: Tensions in general were running high last week. So you may have said or heard something such as the following: “Go make love to yourself” or “See you in rehab.” (You are a Pisces for crying out loud). Therefore, your birthday present to yourself should be to give up one of your addictions. Clouds suggests backstabbing, as the cravings won’t drive you to rob a mini-mart.
Aries: A Southern Baptist from Kentucky named Albert Mohler recently said that the practice of Yoga is inconsistent with the beliefs of Christianity, and that focusing on one’s body as a way to connect with the divine is a sign of confusion. To help clear up any confusion, let’s hope Fat Albert “accidentally” does a child’s pose on top of Mr. Mohler. And remember the words of Fat Albert: “Hey, hey, hey … you can’t let fear keep you from caring about someone.”
Taurus: At its best, astrology helps us live within the rhythms, bass line and occasional guitar solos of life. Since Taurus members tend to get wound tighter than a drum, it’s important for you to let yourself sway with life more. A tip from Clouds is to try pretending you’re in the movie “Footloose” and it’s illegal to dance. That ought to make you want to start boogying.
Gemini: The Stars say Geminis need life to flow more like a river and be less jarring than a souped-up bumper car (your preferred mode of transport), and should do the following: Take 10 deep, slow breaths a day. Smile at strangers. And to help you connect better with others, make this your new mantra, “I bring nothing to the table.”
Cancer: In the larger cycles of astrology, we’re in the Age of Aquarius. But unlike the last one, the Age of Pisces, which was marked by strife and conquest, Aquarius is marked by population growth and mankind becoming more inner-connected. If you can’t use this info to get you some loving, Clouds is out of ideas.
Leo: The Stars strongly suggest you give your mental farts a kick to the curb, your spiritual blocks a one-fingered wave and your heart hiccups a paper bag to breath in. To help you accomplish all this, be open to everything life brings you, including the people you usually think are about as useful as a mud fence.
Virgo: The Stars say now is the time to figure out how to streamline your life so it better matches your skills and needs. Basically, you’re being told it’s a great time to find balance in your life. Remember that the keys to balance are self-acceptance, regular exercise and not picking someone much fatter than you to share the seesaw with.
Libra: Your advice for the week is also some you might want to extend into the rest of your life: You know that life you’ve always dreamt of — start living it! Until you do, Clouds will withhold all sex-related advice, which is pretty much the only advice Clouds ever gives. So, you’ll be screwed … or maybe you won’t.
Scorpio: Your hero for the rest of your life is a woman named Cynthia Stafford, a mother of five, who was struggling in life. Instead of focusing on her troubles, she started lulling herself to sleep each night dreaming she’d won $112 million in the lottery while wearing a lime green dress. And that’s exactly how much she won, while wearing a lime green dress on Mother’s Day. Look it up, or better yet take a harder look at what you think about while drifting off to sleep.
Sagittarius: Spoken words have incredible power, so watch what you let stumble out of your piehole for the next several weeks. You never know when what sounds like simple fun to you will sound like a good reason for a restraining order to someone else.
Capricorn: With Venus doing its thing for at least another couple weeks, here is some amorous advice for you, dear Caps. Men: Don’t try to solve all your woman’s problems; just listen to them — or at least act like you are. And brush your teeth! Women: Wear lingerie for your man at least once a week and pretend you’re interested in Sportscenter … you should have no problems.
Aquarius: Your words of wisdom for the week come from America’s former Poet Laureate, Billy Collins: “The dead are always looking down on us. They are looking through the glass bottom boats of heaven as they row themselves slowly through eternity.” So you should never feel lonely, but you should feel a little embarrassed about singing Barry Manilow in the shower.
