Insert stupid product here

Great NCAA tourney. Terrible final. How can a major college team shoot 12 for 64? 18%. Even United Airlines does better than that flying into Mammoth. The Butler Bulldogs made three two-point field goals the entire game. That game should have been stopped. They should make the teams play it over. Unwatchable.

Tiki Barber is coming back to the NFL. Really? What is he thinking? I know. My wife left me … getting expensive … need cash … NBC fired me … can’t do porn … I’ll go back to football. Sad thing is, some team will sign him. Probably the Patriots.

QB Joe Flacco is upset the Ravens aren’t giving him a new contract. They are probably waiting to see how his sorry ass will do next year before throwing money at him. This is the second time Flacco has been in the press whining about how the Ravens have “treated” him. Flacco has started to believe the greatness the media has falsely tabbed him with. He and Falcon QB Matt Ryan are media creations. Give Flacco all the weapons you want, but watch the Ravens offense and you will see what they think of his ass. He is given basic WR patterns and formations for a reason. Because he is Bambi

Shaquille O’Neal. The Celtics threw away their season and title hopes when they traded Kendrick Perkins and pinned their chances of winning the NBA title on the play of Shaquille and Jermaine O’Neal (better known as the “Injured Brothers O’Neal.”) Shaq missed 27 straight games due to injury. Then, in his first game back this week, he played all of six minutes before getting injured again.

Of course he got injured again. He looked like he had been training to beat Kobayashi in the next hot dog eating competition. Fat and slow. The media said that at the very least, his six minutes were “productive.” Huh? Six minutes after missing 27 games? That’s as productive as a nun in a whorehouse. The Celtics should have paid Perkins.

The Masters started Thursday. Phil Mickelson is everyone’s pick to win. Hilarious. After sucking as much as Tiger Woods the past few months, Phil won last week so now he’s back. Back to what?

I have little hope for Tiger this week. I only hope he is out in Augusta this week hitting every IHOP waitress he can get his “driver” on. I hope he is having a ball tonight and getting back to the old Tiger.

Shutdown

The Government may be shutting down. Panic has set in. At the bank, the word from on high is that I need to order extra cash and have everyone cancel their leave to be ready for people running to the bank to remove all their cash.

First, if they’re not getting paid by the government, they won’t have any cash. Second, if you think the government will be shut down by congress so that all these same congressmen don’t get their paychecks and free lap dances, you are crazy. Anything that affects the pay of these “public servants” will not be implemented. This is all about the Republicans trying to further discredit Obama. And if you think people, even people that hate Obama, won’t rebel against the Republicans for cutting their paychecks and preventing them from going further in debt by buying that new car they just have to have this weekend you are nuts. Congress can huff and puff all it wants … but they ain’t that crazy. And you can run to the bank if you want and ask for all your money. No problem. I can give you some monopoly money just like the government can keep printing up $20 bills.

Coin machine

We have a coin machine at work. Nothing ground-breaking, just a coin machine. You dump your coins in and it counts the coins for you so you don’t have to roll ‘em.

But if you witness the way people react to it, it will blow your mind. Grown-ass folks from 18-93 years old act like complete children with this machine.  They see it and get all giddy. “You guys have the coin machine? And it’s free!” Then they ask, “How does it work? Can you help me? I have never used it before.”

Let me enlighten you real quick. It is a coin machine. It has a computer screen that says “START” on the button. Press the button, genius. After that it asks for your “ACCOUNT NUMBER.” You can’t believe how many people ask “What do I do here?” Well, it says enter your account number, so, how about you input your height and weight?

Let’s see, the machine is running and there are holes with a sticker that says “deposit coins.” I ain’t a genius, but I think YOU DUMP THE  COINS IN THE HOLES, DUMBASS.

Then after all this, the question is “Does it go into my account?” No, it doesn’t go into your account. It asks for your account number for nothing.

The worst part, however, are the people who just want to tell me their coin stories. “We have been saving coins since 1999.”

Look, I don’t care how long you have been collecting coins. If you were smarter, you would have been depositing the coins all along and collecting interest on your money.

Then there are the “I am saving all my pennies so we can buy insert stupid product here.” Don’t care. I got bigger s$%# to worry about. There is another dumbass right behind you in line that wants $63,000 in cash right now so he can hide it under the stash of coin he has been saving since 1987 because the government is shutting down tomorrow.