Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aries: The planet Mars, which is the planet of energy and action, governs this sign. And since this includes all kinds of “action” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more), your relationships tend to either be hotter than lava or colder than an Eskimo’s butt. Accept this part of yourself by singing along with Little Big Town: “There’s a price for keeping me. I may be cheap, but I ain’t free.”
Taurus: This is an Earth sign, whose members tend to be practical and analytical, like pattern and routine, and are good at using tools. There is also, however, a tendency to be rather aloof and short with people. To help, try not to say things such as: “Have you ever considered becoming a mechanic, since you’re such a tool?”
Gemini: Everyone has a least favorite day of the week, also known as a “Work Day.” We also all have a lucky day of the week. For Geminis, that day is Wednesday, also known as “Hump Day.” But, finding out Hump Day is your lucky day may not be enough to cheer you up. If that’s the case, Clouds suggests you take a “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” since you’re clearly in need of one.
Cancer: Psychologist Carl Jung believed that there are no such things as random coincidences. He believed those noticeably strange moments in life like when you run into someone you’ve been thinking about are really “synchronicities.” They’re created by the “collective unconsciousness” and answer your dreams, desires and needs. Therefore, your assignment is to try to get more in sync, just don’t work on that while listening to any ‘N Sync.
Leo: According to numerous statistics, April is one of the year’s most depressing months. Since Leos are at their finest when inspiring others, why not try spreading love as though it’s a virus. Just remember that real love doesn’t make you itchy or feel the need to be a guest on “Dr. Phil.”
Virgo: It’s estimated that only 3% of people actually take the time to write down their dreams and goals. And you know what we call those people? Successful. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to write down what you want out of life; but if you can, try to write down more than just “great sex,” although Clouds agrees you should be sure to include it.
Libra: Though few parts of the country realize it, spring has technically arrived. Therefore, your task is to figure out a way to get a more spring in your step. Clouds suggests either investing in a pogo stick or listening to Ferris Bueller: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Scorpio: In case you’ve forgotten exactly what Faith is, it’s the courage to trust that everything in life happens as it should and things go exactly as you need them to. The fact that none of it usually makes any sense just goes to show that the Heavens have a great sense of humor, which should help explain the success of people such as Charlie Sheen and Larry the Cable Guy.
Sagittarius: There are a few undeniable truths about life. First, every one has played a little air guitar. Second, no matter what the weather’s doing, it’s always a good day to get some lovin’. Third, it’s all about attitude — every heaping spoonful of it. So life tends to work best when you decide it’s going to be delicious and then wash it down with a smile.
Capricorn: It’s said the Lord loves a workingman. But Clouds would like to think that the Lord also has feelings for a vacationing man, for that is when man is usually at his finest. The Stars say this would be a delightful time to take a holiday. The Lord could not be reached for comment.
Aquarius: Since Aquarians are opinionated and a little wacky, one of these quotes from a fellow Aquarian, Larry the Cable Guy, should be helpful: Uno) “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” Dos Equis) “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” Tres Bien) “Support bacteria. It’s the only culture some people have.”
Pisces: Self-reflection is an important part of the process of becoming the best you possible. The keys are not to be overly judgmental, and really figure how you got where you are and, perhaps more importantly, how you can get to where you want to be. If your reflections lead to you to discover that you’re regularly exclaiming things such as, “I can’t find my pants!” or “What idiot put a rug on the wall?” then it may be time cut back on the substances.
