Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: As a sun sign, Taurus members have the innate ability to either light up a room or to burn it down to the ground. Therefore, it’s important for you to remember that sometimes fire should only be used for light, and that you should always count your blessings before they tell you to shove it up your fire hole.
Gemini: If you were a local fish you’d be an Alpers trout, because much like an Alpers, Geminis know they’re a great catch. You’re also both energetic and can find success anyplace you get dumped into. Both Geminis and Alpers are also susceptible to getting injured by sharp things, so watch out for hooks, be they on bras or elsewhere.
Cancer: Sometimes in life you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug. Sometimes in life you’re the vacuum cleaner, sometimes you’re the rug. Most of the time when it all appears to be at its most bleak is exactly when you stumble upon just what it is you seek. The key is to remember when that magic moment finally arrives, not to put a damper on it, by allowing a stinky squeaky to leak from your bum.
Leo: People have long asked just what makes that little old ant think he can move a rubber tree plant? And the correct answer is: the ant is obviously delusional. It turns out, though, that one of the keys to becoming grandly successful is to have delusions of grandeur. Now that you know what it takes, try not to let sanity stand in your way
Virgo: With “Fishmas” upon us, try to bear in mind that your freshwater fish soulmate is the rainbow trout. That’s because rainbows are considered the ideal trout, and Virgos are considered to be idealistic in both thought and action. If you find your thoughts turning toward getting some action this week, try a line such as this one: “How about a game of Sponge Bob No-Pants. I’ll be Bob!”
Libra: Last weekend, the prophet known as Sathya Sai Baba passed away. There’s a reason his picture adorns every House of Blues, and it’s not just because he was good at dancing the “Funky Chicken.” It’s because he said stuff that Libras should get tattooed on their all too often scrunched up foreheads, such as: “All action results from thought. So it is thought that matters.”
Scorpio: Many of Clouds’ biggest influences are Scorpios. This should help explain his unique and inspired gift for dirty jokes and brutal honesty. Therefore, here’s some brutal honesty for you Scorpios: All of your struggles and sadness are created by you and by what you refuse to face. As Sai Baba said, “Ignorance is the most important cause of sorrow.”
Sagittarius: Your mission for the week is to cast a magical spell. The spell must be founded in love and enacted with complete selflessness. Most spells have a much better chance of succeeding if you’ve got some sort of magical item as a prop. It doesn’t mater what it is, so long as it isn’t a lucky rabbit’s foot, because there’s probably a three-legged rabbit out there somewhere, who doesn’t think that foot’s very lucky.
Capricorn: Since change is a good thing and is the way of life, here are a few sure signs that you may need to make some changes in your life 1.) It’s 9 a.m., you’re drinking a Steel Reserve 40 ounce and you’re not fishing. II.) You’re living in the back of someone else’s van. Cubed) You consider “Onion Dip” a vegetable.
Aquarius: The Stars are here to remind you that each day is a gift, and unfortunately there’s no re-gifting allowed, even if you get one in the wrong size or in a color that just isn’t you. Re-dos, however, are not only allowed, they’re recommended. As for the nights, they’re more like after-dinner drinks … they can be as toxic or as cleansing as you like.
Pisces: If we’ve learned nothing else from the classic Steve Martin movie “The Jerk” it’s this: We should all get more excited about the little things in life. Just look at how excited Navin R. Johnson was to find his name in the phone book. And, in case you’ve doubted it lately, you’re somebody, too … if for no other reason than Clouds believes it to be true, and therefore so should you.
Aries: In case you’ve forgotten what a hero looks like, this should help. A hero looks like Pat Tillman. A hero looks like Maya Angelou. A hero looks like Capt. Sully Sullenberger. A hero looks like a local fireman. A hero looks like your 8th Grade English Teacher. A hero looks like you … unless you’re constipated, in which case you’re sort of like Violet in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” when she turned into a blueberry!
