Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: Since the next year of your life is looking very promising, it’s important that your birthday gift to yourself is a promise to stay positive and open. To help you accomplish this, be sure to add some Albert Einstein to your daily rituals: “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.”
Gemini: There are those who say that laughter is the best medicine. It’s just too bad that none of these people work for the Food and Drug Administration. Your mission for the week is to remember that it’s downright healthy to be able to laugh at your own mistakes, but that laughing at the mistakes of others can earn you bad karma or at least a black eye.
Cancer: Friendships are being highlighted in your Horrorscope for this week. You’re bound to make new ones or to turn old ones into something more. Just how much that “more” is depends on you, and probably how much you’ve had to drink that night. In any case, don’t forget to hydrate.
Leo: Since what you’ve been waiting, dreaming and begging for has now arrived, it’s time you pull your head out of your butt and point it smiling towards what you want. To help, pop a breath mint and memorize something from the late Sai Baba. Something such as: “A pure thought from a pure heart is better than a mantra.”
Virgo: One of the things that holds Virgos back in life is the need to always be right. That’s because none of us are perfect, and to try to be means we have to belittle others. Therefore, your assignment is to replace these put-downs with put-ups. So please say something positive instead of something along the lines of, “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Libra: The Greeks are known for many things … not the least of which is being the birthplace of the Olympics, making great food out of olives and for a having hairy chests — regardless of gender. But they’re also known for being terrific at saying “no” when they think something will not turn out in their favor. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to act like you’ve got a little Greek in you and emphatically say “no” when you need to … for example, when someone asks to wax your nipples.
Scorpio: It’s true that all good things must come to an end. And that’s only because all good things aren’t selfish and know that they’re only allowed so much time in the spotlight before they should move on to make room for new good things. This is yet another reason why it’s a good idea to always wear clean underwear, because you never know when your next “good thing” is going to buy you a drink at the bar.
Sagittarius: There are people out there who say that the key to a happy, healthy relationship is to regularly hold hands. People who give and follow such advice are what we call “enlightened” and “well-laid.” Your assignment for the week is to be more affectionate, which can lead to enlightenment. As for the well-laid part, Clouds advises that pants are optional.
Capricorn: Everything in your Horrorscope looks terrific right now. Things looking especially promising in the areas of your body, your finances and your sex life. To help you get things rolling with the latter, try this one on the next one who catches your eye: “Excuse me, but do you rent or own those wings? Because you are an angel!”
Aquarius: In classic Aquarian mode, you’ll be feeling as stubborn as a six-year-old who hates Brussels sprouts this week, especially in your home life. The key will be to take a deep breath whenever you’re about to lose it and to remember that vegetables should not be used as projectile weapons, even if some of them are shaped like leafy green ping pong balls.
Pisces: There are three types of people: those who wonder what happened, those who know what happened and those who make things happen. Which type are you? The reality is that, especially where Pisces are concerned, it’s not unusual to discover that sometimes you’re all three. And that’s why the rest of the world sometimes try to and stick you fish signers in the looney bin. The next time they try, feel free to run out of the room while screaming gibberish!
Aries: May will be another busy month for you, but all this action should get your creative juices flowing like the Owens River during spring run-off. The key will be for you to try and remember to work smarter, not necessarily harder. For as we all know, it’s awfully tough to paddle up stream, unless you’ve got a cooler full of beer and you’re in a motorboat with a monster engine ripping a rooster tail behind you.
