Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: Whoever said, “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world” has obviously never met a lottery winner or Kim Kardashian, who technically speaking are the luckiest people in the world. One of Gemini’s lucky numbers is 5 — as in “5 minutes of funk, this ain’t no junk, so take your bottom off the tree stump.” The Stars say this would be a good time to let your mind and spirit boogie!
Cancer: Baseball great and fellow Cancer “Hammerin’” Harmon Killebrew passed away last week. Harmon was so special, he actually had two nicknames. Since most of you can be a bit bipolar, in honor of “Killer” Killebrew, give yourself a couple of nicknames. Just make sure they’re not anything remotely like “Mr./Ms. Mediocrity” or “Senior/Senorita Crappypants.”
Leo: To help keep you Lion-signers in a humble but empowered state of mind, select a new good luck t-shirt saying, printed in your good luck colors of gold and orange: A) “Sh*T Creek Survivor” b) “Goonies Never Say ‘Die!’” Q) “I’ll have what Charlie Sheen’s having!”
Virgo: Even when you feel completely clueless, rest assured that there’s an answer to every question you have. Unfortunately, the answers don’t always come easy and they never come with Cliff Notes. The closest thing to easy answers are these Horrorscopes and at best they’re nothing more than a nudist’s Rubik’s Cube of insight into the Abyss … and a reminder to laugh and get naked more often.
Libra: Nobody ever said life was supposed to be easy. Nobody ever said life was going to be all Peaches and Herb, either. (The musical couple hit some sour notes and split up in ’83). But the good news is that nobody ever said you couldn’t shake your groove thing, bump booties or have a ball, y’all.
Scorpio: Nothing heals like an apology, and Clouds would add that nothing heals like red-hot make up sex. Scorpios tend to be argumentative and stubborn, so apparently they understand a thing or twelve about make ups, especially those involving bedroom gymnastics. As much as it pains Clouds and most Scorpios to admit—sometimes the fight just ain’t worth the lovin.’ Please keep this in mind before putting your dukes up.
Sagittarius: Time is money, which must be why Rolex watches are so expensive. The Stars say it’s getting near time for you to go big or go home. It’s only money after all, and it only has as much power as you give it. Besides if you’re going to fail you might as well do it with it flare. And remember that excuses are like cell phones … everybody’s got one.
Capricorn: There’s nothing you can’t accomplish in your life, except for maybe getting taller. All you’ve got to do is focus on how you want your life to be and thus it will become. Although, this technique doesn’t work as well on getting random strangers to do stripteases for you … unless of course you’re in Vegas.
Aquarius: It’s true that money can’t buy you love. But money can rent you love, so long as you’re willing to sign a lease. If this seems a little ambiguous, that’s because love and money sometimes are. Therefore, your advice for the week comes from the great writer Lewis Grizzard, and it’s to shoot low when they’re riding Shetland ponies.
Pisces: To make the most out of this next season of your life, Clouds advises you to be more thankful and responsible with your power. To clarify: try to not act like a teenager on a moonshine run with a beer in one hand and the steering wheel and a cigarette in the other … you know, the way you usually live. At least put the beer down.
Aries: In case you’ve been burning the Hippie Lettuce a little too much lately, you may not have noticed that spring has finally arrived. Well, Cheech, it has, so do yourself a favor and go for at least one outdoor adventure this week. For that’s exactly the type of activity your soul needs. Feel free to bring some munchies along, but whatever you do, don’t litter.
Taurus: With baseball season in full swing, add some boys of summer to your soul with one of these quotes: Strike 1) “I didn’t have evil intentions, but I guess I did have power.” -Harmon Killebrew. Strike 2) “Life is precious and time is a key element. Let’s make every moment count and help those who have a greater need than our own.” -Hammerin’ Harmon. You’re out) “Why does everybody stand up and sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when they’re already there?”-Larry Anderson
