Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: For you amorous Geminis, this year promises variety, change and opportunity. The key will be to treat each new event with the same attention and importance you’d treat someone you’d like to sleep with and not the way you usually treat them after you’ve slept with them.
Cancer: The Stars say that this spring is the perfect time for you to “spring” into a healthier life. You know, get some exercise and vitamin D, or at least try cut down to just three beers a night instead of an 18-pack. Therefore, your words of wisdom come from Homer J. Simpson: “All my life I’ve had one dream: to achieve my many goals.”
Leo: It might seem as though life shoved you through the meat grinder last week, but it’s the only way to make mouthwatering meatballs and savory sausage. Therefore, feel free to consider G. Love and the Special Sauce as a condiment: “With a little bit of honor and harmony, come on! The next awakening is you. The next awakening is you-hoo!”
Virgo: There are those who believe that accidents are really just acts of divine intervention, kismet and fate. Therefore, keep your eyes peeled and be grateful for accidents this week. And here’s hoping the worst accident you have only involves you happily saying, “Oh dear, it looks like I’ve accidentally dropped my drawers,” and doesn’t involve a deer.
Libra: Members of this sign tend to be more in love with the idea of being in love than with its actual practice and application. Therefore the key to contentment is having plenty of personal space and a handful of costumes in the closet. Remember, sometimes all you’ve got to do to change your life is change your outfit, or just remove it altogether.
Scorpio: What Clouds loves about the people born under this sign — and those who are lucky enough to have it as a rising sign — is that you lot can be nuttier than squirrel poop, but you’ve got big hearts, and that’s all that really matters in life anyway … well, that and how you feel about yourself naked.
Sagittarius: Losing sleep is usually a sign of stress. The basis of most stress is love, work or money. Unfortunately, neither stress nor lack of sleep usually helps get you more love, money or work, but they can help turn your hair gray. To help overcome stress and to accept that a little of it is inevitable in this life, try giving yourself a positive nickname. “Silver Fox” has a nice ring to it.
Capricorn: Your lessons for the week are: Uno) Never call someone any type of “hole,” even when you’re so angry you could spit out of your pie-hole. Deuce) Donut holes and coffee can make anyone feel better, especially if you’re sharing that breakfast with someone you love more than Homer Simpson loves donuts. Finish) Always cover your corn hole.
Aquarius: Right now, you may be feeling like doubt has decided to a hold a “Fat-In” and your life is a pastry shop. Your keys to survival will be to remember that you’re allowed any type of pastry you want, that it feels good to be appreciated and that fat people need and deserve love too — and occasionally some help with the washcloth.
Pisces: Eating is a passion with this sign. So watch what you eat, especially if you like to ingest caffeine, starchy foods or too much sugar, because not only can they make you chubby (and not in a good way), they decrease sex “drive.” In sex, “neutral,” “park” and “reverse” aren’t nearly as fun.
Aries: The Stars say Geminis and Aquarians make great mates for Aries. And since studies show that laughter can lead to great lovin’ try this line: “All this could be yours for one low, low price!”
Taurus: What we know about life is this: There’s nothing you can do about yesterday, but there’s a whole lot you can do about tomorrow. As for today, the Stars say you should get more involved with your community. Clouds’ suggests attending a local lecture and frequenting someplace other than your favorite watering hole.
