Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: The perfect dogs for Cancerians are sensitive and loyal breeds, such as Chihuahuas and Australian shepherds. To help you stay sensitive and loyal, please remember to always carry a pooper scooper and to adopt this quote from Beverly Hills Chihuahua: “Without you the sun will have no warmth, the flowers will have no beauty, my tail will have no wag.”
Leo: Right now, Leo is the most empowered sign, and to make sure your dogma and karma are coexisting, here’s your new challenge: Take the time to recognize all the little miracles in your life, and then make a list of the big miracles you’d love to see. To help, remember that chasing your tail only gets you back to where you started.
Virgo: Snoopy is a classic Virgo: he’s cute, independent, picky, crafty and believes that dancing is the truest art form. Therefore, adopt one of these Snoopy sayings: A) “I feel sorry for everyone who has to win at everything.” 2) “Every creature has within him the wild¸ uncontrollable urge to punt.” Z) “I love mankind. It’s the people I can’t stand.”
Libra: Many astrologers believe that one’s Sun Sign represents the way that person is working out karma in this life. Since most Libras have lives filled with opportunities to heal others, your words of wisdom will come from fellow Libra, Snoop Dogg: “There it is ‘cause it is there. Now have a seat and hit the game from a player. They say time brings change and change brings time. It’s so genuine and so divine.”
Scorpio: Because Scorpios are passionate, independent and obsessive they make some of the best dog owners. Since the next month will offer ample opportunities for you to sniff out the future of your dreams, feel free to adopt a line from “Cheers,” courtesy of Norm Peterson: “It’s a dog eat dog world and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear.”
Sagittarius: Since Sags need freedom, and chances to learn and explore the way dogs need naps, belly rubs and places to pee, remember to be more self-accepting. Therefore, you new assignment is to get in touch with your inner puppy. So be sure to nibble on ears, jump for joy and wag your spiritual tail more often. Just try not to wet the rug or chew up any shoes.
Capricorn: Caps tend to be loyal, ambitious and thickheaded, so this sign’s ideal canine companions are like-minded pooches, such as Rottweiler and Terriers. To help, remember that you only tend to be open-minded to new things that are exactly like the old ones. And sing along with some Grateful Dead: “I ain’t often right, but I’ve never been wrong. Seldom turns out the way it does in the song.”
Aquarius: If Aquarians have one thing to work on, it’s that they are too quick to start snarling and barring their teeth. To help you feel more like a happy, well-fed puppy than a rabid dog, it might help to adopt one of these sayings: Ein) “Dogs need owners and friends. Cats and Aquarians need staffs.” Deux) “Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.”
Pisces: The Stars report that we’ve entered a great period of healing and recovery. Remember we should all be more like dogs: happy and excited to begin each day anew. To help, accept that most Pisces are a lot like Barf from the movie “Space Balls,” who said, “I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!
Aries: If Aries were represented by a dog it would probably be Schnauzers, miniature or otherwise. That’s because Schnauzers tend to be active, hopeful, impatient and moody, just like the two-legged people of this sign. To help keep your mood positive, write this on your bathroom mirror: “I will become the type of person my dog thinks I am!”
Taurus: Psychologist and fellow Taurus Sigmund Freud was fond of having his dog, a Chow named Jo-Fi, sit in on sessions with his patients. Freud thought the dog helped calm and relax his patients, thus paving the way for healing. They also gave a good excuse for the occasional “gassy” smells in the office. To help you heal, try following Freud’s advice: “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
Gemini: The folks of this sign are usually best suited to active and inquisitive dogs, such as Labs and Retrievers. Since they are among the most popular of dogs, and because Geminis’ own popularity rises and falls like a panting dog’s tongue, make this your new mantra: “Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.”
