Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Leo: At the moment, you’re in a transition period that should bring much joy and success into your life. Of course, most of it depends on your attitude and capacity for hope and patience. To make the most of it, this should be your new mantra: “I’m at my best when I’m being open, accepting, inspiring, and wearing nothing but flip flops and a grin.”
Virgo: To help you get into the flow of the mid-summer heat, remember that as a Virgo you’re naturally hot. To help you tap into your inner flames of passion, please make this your new magic question: “Do you have the time and, more importantly, do you have the energy?”
Libra: There are those who believe that almost any human ailment can be traced back to an emotional scar. To help you heal any ailments, work on becoming more forgiving of yourself and others. And feel free to memorize this: “Everyone makes mistakes. The key is to do so while no one is watching.”
Scorpio: Studies indicate that cancer rates for humans actually went up after sunscreen first became popular in the 1960s. Let this serve as a reminder that like everything else (food, air, sex, reality), we need sunshine in healthy doses, too. And since we’re under the rule of a sun sign (Leo), be sure to bask in it more often or at least bask in the presence of sun signs. It’s their kryptonite.
Sagittarius: Things look good for this sign so long as you stay as direct and positive as possible. Keep in mind that what you say isn’t always what you mean, unless you accidentally let your subconscious take over and holler out something along the lines of, “Give ‘em the old ‘hind lick’ maneuver.”
Capricorn: Your personal money matters should have just hung a right and are now headed straight for the land of milk and honey. This should come as terrific news, unless you’re lactose intolerant. That’s because honey is the only food source that never goes bad. It also slows the absorption of caffeine into your body if you mix it with coffee. Now that your quota of useless information has been filled, feel free to party like Winnie the Pooh after scoring a beehive.
Aquarius: The Stars say you shouldn’t do anything in haste for the rest of the summer, else you might wind up feeling as though you’re wearing a pair of short-shorts and just sat down on a vinyl car seat that’s been baking in the hot mountain sun all day. Remember, there’s no need to burn your buns over anything.
Pisces: We all have our own demons, just like we have our own angels. The difference is that the demons only come out when we call them, whereas the Angels are always there. Apparently, they don’t have much else to do besides giggle at us and occasionally steer us clear of stepping in dog doo. Therefore, your mission for the week is to practice laughing at yourself. Just be sure to stop if milk or gold dust starts flying out of your nose.
Aries: In case you wondered, as good old Ben Franklin pointed out, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy — and have beer bellies. By the same token, you are also proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Therefore, your new assignment is to be the living expression of love on Earth. And while you’re at it, be sure to reward yourself with a few of your favorite brews.
Taurus: Dancing, much like making whoopee and eating Whoopee pies, makes us happy. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to dream big and to dance as though nobody’s watching — but to do so alfresco in case Clouds is watching.
Gemini: Inner issues will begin popping up in your life like dandelions in the lawn. Your best form of weedwhacking will be to simply accept them for the color they bring. But be advised that a couple of these issues will actually be more like doggie doo, in which case, you’re going to need the equivalent of an inner issues pooper-scooper.
Cancer: As Crowded House reminds us, everywhere we go we always take the weather with us. As Clouds would like to remind you, everywhere you go you always take your libido, your ego and your attitude with you. Maybe that’s why your back’s been bothering you recently. You’ve been carrying too much around. Therefore, you’ve got one option: Work on relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, spending time in nature, getting massages or making love like a barnyard animal.
