Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Leo: To help Leos make the most out of this truly blessed time in your lives, don’t shove your head up your butt, no matter how much you’ve had to drink. It would also behoove you to add some of last year’s Bluesapalooza headliner to your soundtrack. From Los Lonely Boys: “When you find what really matters, in that moment you will see, far beyond our selfish wonder, love is simple, love is free.”
Virgo: To assure you make the most out of this sudsy time of year in the Eastern Sierra, never drink and drive. Reward yourself for this smart decision by picking a new beer-inspired slogan from the following: From Benjamin Franklin: “There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.” From the U.K.’s Courage Beer: “It’s what your right arm is for.” From Colt 45: “It works every time.”
Libra: Here are your gentle reminders about the real powers in life: 1) Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder. II) Life is too short to drink cheap beer. Drei) It’s your life after all, so stop blaming others, i.e. brewmasters, for making it so difficult for you to say, “No,” “Call me a cab” or “I think I need a Depends.”
Scorpio: In honor of the 16th annual Bluesapalooza, and because Scorpios are only at their best when they’re having a group hug with hope and patience, add some Blues Traveler to your soundtrack: “There’s no such thing as a failure that keeps trying. Coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace. Just wait. Just wait. Just wait. And it will come.”
Sagittarius: Most of us never realize how much power what we eat and drink has on us. What we ingest not only affects our physical well being, but our mental health as well. Therefore, work on being thankful for everything you put in your mouth. For example, be more like Plato, “He was a wise man who invented beer.” And less like Homer, “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
Capricorn: Here are your universal truths for the week: 1) The love you give is the love you get. 1.A) From John Mayer: “We’re never going to win the war if belief is what we’re fighting for.” 1.A+) From Wisconsin’s Capital Brewery: “People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.”
Aquarius: Since Aquarians tend to be “over-the-top” type people, your self-reflection role model for the week is Frank the Tank from the movie “Old School.” As Frank proved, the road to true happiness is paved with self-acceptance and love for life’s little blessings, such as beer: “Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it’s sooo good!”
Pisces: One of the things Pisces sometimes suck at is being thankful or appreciative. And since the less we give thanks to, the less we have to give thanks for, try saying “thanks” more often. To help, make Friar Tuck your role model: “This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption … beer!”
Aries: Folks, the best thing you can do right now is to adopt an Aloha attitude. That means you should be open, welcoming, kind generous, grateful, working on your tan … and that you should offer everyone a free lei.
Taurus: The two thing most Tauruses really appreciate in life are honesty and consistency. That’s why they make great beer makers. It’s also why they don’t like Emerson, “Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds,” any more than they like actor Josh Hartnett, “Be honest with yourself and lie to everyone else.”
Gemini: It’s easy to forget that moderation is one of the keys to success and balance in life. That’s why we have beerfests, to help remind us that moderation does have a purpose — it helps cut down on hangovers. To help you embrace moderation, try embracing this line from fellow Gemini, Dean Martin: “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
Cancer: Cancer is considered to be a very rooted and grounded sign. Because of this, you often find it hard for others to really see the root of your issue, or the ground upon which your thoughts and belief stand. To help with this, try to understand that sometimes you treat others like dogs that just peed on your trunk or drunks that just passed out on your roots, even if they’re stone cold sober and haven’t had to tinkle.
