Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: A lagniappe (pronounced “lanyap”) is a Southern term referring to a free gift or an unexpected added bonus. It looks like the Stars are set to provide you with some lagniappes, but if you want any fried okra or grits you’re on your own. Your key will be to remember that the best things in life aren’t things, and that some of those best things in life require some nudity.

Virgo: With Mercury in retrograde for another week, any partnerships you’re involved in could be a little haggard. For example, unless you want to feel like fans leaving a Merle Haggard concert, add some good stuff from The Hag to it: “I’ve been throwing horseshoes over my left shoulder. I’ve spent most all my life searchin’ for that four-leafed clover … That’s the way love goes, babe. That’s the music God made for all the world to sing.”

Libra: Here are your not-so gentle reminders about the rules of life: A) A badly aimed arrow never misses, and may result in a lawsuit. B) It’s best to just let others think you’re an ass, than to open your mouth and prove it so. C) He who dies with the most toys usually makes those left behind glad he’s gone.

Scorpio: Scorpios have tongues as sharp as their tails, so be cautious for the next week while Mercury pauses through for a spell. To help, bite your tongue and keep your karma clean, the closest you can get to saying anything mean being this line from the “Frasier” sitcom: “You’re not dumb. You just missed the point completely.”

Sagittarius: Lovemaking, just like everything else during most Mercury retrograde periods like this one, can be extra passionate, yet still awkward and hard to earn. Therefore, don’t say anything such as the following if you’re trying to get that loving feeling: 1)“Great news. The test results are negative!” 1a) “The more I drink, the more I seem to like you.” 1b) “I’m not stoned. I’m just high on you.”

Capricorn: In case you were wondering, even Clouds feels beat up and betrayed by life every once in awhile, too. The one thing, however, that Clouds never feels is bored. For Clouds knows that being alone is often the best company any of us ever have, especially when there’s only one serving of ice cream left in the freezer.

Aquarius: There’s only one way to have your dreams come true, and that’s to dare to have some. Therefore you’re new mantra is: I will be (insert a personal goal). I want to be (insert a positive personal adjective)! And I hope to get my (insert a favorite body part) fondled more often.

Pisces: There’s really no point in being given a key to the city if they’re going to leave the latch on, unless they’re also going to give you the number of someone who owns a battering ram. Since you’re certainly going to be feeling frisky this week, you probably won’t need the key or the battering ram to sneak your way past security anyway, just flash your charm, smile and maybe a little midrift.

Aries: Your question for the week is this: Is it crazier to be thought a fool than it is to pay some therapist more than one hundred bucks an hour to tell you that you’re nuts? Therefore, your advice for the week is to remember that the best therapy is loving yourself, and the second best is feeling love from something that isn’t sold in 30-packs.

Taurus: Since Bull-signers have a thing for giving advice, Clouds thought it might be a good idea to send some back your way. So here goes: Sometimes par is good enough to win. Sometimes it’s not a good idea to drink a whole fifth of gin. There’s a very good reason why making love to your first cousin is a cardinal sin (see West Viginia, Wyoming, Maine and Tonopah).

Gemini: One of the keys to happiness and contentment in life is also one that often perplexes Geminis: moderation. One of the keys to discomfort in life is constipation. Keep these jewels of wisdom nestled safe in your bosom, while also remembering that home is where the house is.

Cancer: The people of this sign often confuse empathy with sympathy. To help you work on this, a hit from the band Little Feat should come in handy. “Imagine a fat guy in a bathtub moaning from the blues. All empathy requires is that you hear him. Whereas sympathy might require that you wash some spots he just can’t reach with a washcloth.”