On with the NFL season predictions: Usually I go by division. NFC LEAST, etc. This year, however, we’ll have a little different format with some newly named divisions.
YOUR SEASON IS OVER BEFORE IT’S STARTED DIVISION
Subtitle: Wipe your behind with your season tickets and tell your wife you love her so much you are giving up Sunday football to spend more quality time.
Bengals: Their holdout QB, Carson Palmer, would rather surf the internet for porn all day and threaten retirement than show up and play for this team. Can you blame him? They traded their best WR away. They have ZERO talent. 2-14.
Panthers: Now I hope QB Cam Newton does well and I think he will eventually, but this year will be a disaster. The new head coach thinks he’ll be able to tap into the clichés – run the ball, play good defense. BUT with a rookie QB, no one will respect the pass, thereby taking away the run, and the defense isn’t any good. No offseason preparation for a rookie QB doesn’t help, either. 3-13.
Seattle Seachickens (Seabitches, Seawhiners): A playoff team last season, look for an implosion this year. New acquisition, QB Tavaris Jackson, could be a find, but we will never find out ‘cause he’ll be running for his life behind that offensive line – like Justin Bieber running to save his virginity if he was locked up in a federal penitentiary. It will take a line full of rookies and second year players half the season to gel … IF they gel. On defense, the ‘Hawks philosophy is to bring in as many BIG players as they can and hope to dominate like Head Coach Pete Carroll’s teams did at Southern Cal but this is the NFL. Everyone is BIG AND FAST. 4-12.
Washington Shanahans: I haven’t seen this much nepotism since the TV networks gave every Wayans brother their own show. The fact that Mike Shanahan and his clueless son Kyle have complete control of this organization is laughable. And they have proven their incompetence by losing Albert Haynesworth … for nothing. Donovan McNabb … for nothing, thus creating a QB battle between Rex Grossman and John Beck. That is like trying to decide if you want to hit Rosie O’Donnell or Roseanne Barr tonight. Yummy.
Oh, and Tim Hightower is their best RB. WRs? They brought in a slew of mediocrity to complement the aging, mediocre, injury-prone Santana Moss. 4-12.
Broncos: John Elway is in charge now. And I think they should be better, but they have to undo what former Coach Josh McDaniels did over the past two years. They have two good backs to run the ball and QB Kyle Orton is pretty good, but the WRs. Fantasy tip: Brandon Lloyd will not have the year he had last year. 5-11 … but possibly 8-8 if they progress faster than expected.
Titans: New QB Matt Hasselbeck isn’t the answer ‘cause he will play 6 games before his back locks up like Hugh Hefner trying to get his groove on. Then when rookie QB and #8 pick in the draft Jake Locker comes in, it will be a disaster. He will NEVER pan out. Meanwhile, they’re dragging their feet on sign ing their absolute best player, RB Chris Johnson, to a decent contract. Silly. Kenny Britt is their best WR but a problem child and may be headed to a suspension to eat wings and drink beer with Terrelle Pryor and PacMan Jones. 6-10. And I only gave them 6 wins ‘cause I needed to balance the totals.
Dolphins: Seriously don’t want to waste what keyboard strokes I have left before getting Carpal Tunnal to write about this sorry team. They brought back Coach Tony Sparano ‘cause no one else would take the job and he has to pretend he doesn’t say “SCREW YOU” every time he walks past team ownership. The QB is Chad Henne. He has to do the same thing Sparano does ‘cause they were trying to trade for Kyle Orton as soon as the ink was put to the new Collective Bargaining agreement.
Analogy: Shop around town for a better wife. Put some postings on “INEEDAFINEWIFE.COM” and take offers and interview potential wives. Find out none of them actually want you, then roll over in the morning and tell your wife “we will stick it out for a while. Now roll over and give me some.” Try that tomorrow and see what happens. 5-11.
Jaguars: The Jags are done. They don’t trust their starting QB and will replace him with the rookie by week 5. Their starting RB is nicknamed Pocket Hercules because he is so small and they have been trying to run him like Earl Campbell for the past 4 years. Stupid. Fantasy tip: Don’t draft Maurice Jones-Drew too high. Their defense sucks and their TE, Marcedes Lewis, may well become their best offensive player. And you know what I always say. if your TE is your best player, you are a bad team. 5-11.
Bills: In a nutshell, they just cut their #1 draft pick from two years ago. I give them 6 wins ‘cause I think their QB can light up enough bad teams to win a few games.
Niners: Their fans will win more battles in the stands fighting opposing teams than this team will. I almost picked them to go 2-14 ‘cause I think with Alex Smith at QB they may actually be tanking the season to draft new Coach Jim Harbaugh’s former QB at Stanford, Andrew Luck, next year. But they have enough talent on the team to go 6-10. What is in the mind of Harbaugh … being ompetitive in a weak division … or angling to get Luck-y?
THE GERRY RAFFERTY DIVISION
Subtitle: Stuck in the Middle With You
Giants: I don’t like this team. Don’t like the coach. They have lost ALL their cornerbacks. They can run the ball well enough to win 6 games. QB Eli Manning threw 20 INTS last year? Damn. Don’t like them. 6-10. They may be one of the teams I am off by 4 wins on, but did I mention I don’t like this team?
Bears: No direction. Just drifting along under Coach Lovie Smith. You know why some coaches and organizations don’t win? ‘Cause they have no direction. The Bears were a RUN THE BALL AND PLAY TOUGH DEFENSE TEAM. Then they traded QB Orton to Denver for a QB in Jay Cutler who likes to wing the ball all over the field. So they change the entire offense to the Mike Martz system – not a good fit for Cutler because he likes throwing INTs – which amplifies Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz’s weakness for ignoring INTs.
My biggest problem with Cutler is this: leadership. He is the epitome of a selfish player and that is bad for a QB. I don’t question his toughness like a lot of people did because you never know how much someone is hurt. I question his character. Here is why. He couldn’t play during that playoff game last year but sat on the sidelines with his hoodie on, looking utterly disinterested and sulking. While he was doing that, Caleb Henie, basically a rookie with no experience, was playing his heart out. He was sitting right next to Cutler on the bench, looking over the game photos and digging for information. Cutler sat with his back to him, unhelpful. As if to say, “I am out of the game, so screw the team.”
What else? They got rid of their best receiver in TE Greg Olson to bring in slow ass WR Roy Williams. And their best offensive play, Devin Hester on the kickoff return, has been nullified by the new rule moving the ball up for kickoffs.
Chiefs. Surprised some teams last year, but this year people will be ready. QB Matt Cassel is overrated. Jamaal Charles is a good RB, but if they fall into the trap of giving him the ball 30 times a game, they will burn him out. 8-8.
Vikings. I like the Donovan McNabb signing … two years ago. I just don’t think the Vikings have the talent that they and the so-called experts think they do. The defense is aging. Yes, they have Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin on offense, when Harvin isn’t sitting on the sidelines with migraines. 8-8 … and sliding.
The rest next week. Now some short takes …
What lockout? Arizona WR Larry Fitzgerald just got paid $120 million. To be a WR on a mediocre team. Wow. The owners just fought to stop their own stupidity. Fight over.
What NFL teams feel like complete idiots now? Teams that will now pay kick returners big money to take a knee in the end zone now with the new kickoff rules. The Browns’ Josh Cribbs and Hester just lost a lot of value.
Terrelle Pryor. He got drafted in the 3rd round of the supplemental draft and went to the worst possible place for a player to go who needs discipline, structure and an owner with a clue. That would be Oakland. Pryor gave up his college career as the starting QB at a major university all so he could get some neck tattoos. He is a mental midget. So you throw away a 3rd round pick on him ‘cause he can run fast?
The Raiders have no 2nd, 3rd or 4th round pick next year. Bad news for a team that needs players everywhere.
Giant DE Osi Umenyiora was holding out for another contract, but just underwent another surgery after realizing he wouldn’t get another contract?? What the heck is going through his mind?
Colts just signed Kerry Collins. UH OH. Peyton not playing the first one or two weeks? UH Oh. I have a friend, Big Marv, who has said for years if the Colts ever lose Manning due to injury they are done. And he is right. Cuz this preseason they look dreadful. I ain’t talking about wins and losses cuz that shit doesn’t mean shit. It is how your starters play and how your depth looks. The colts offense without Manning is dreadful and they haven’t developed a capable backup since he has been there. With him never missing games, that has fared well for them. But now they are struggling. And signing Kerry Collins. Wow. He isn’t a Peyton type QB. If they are counting on him, they better run the ball………………… A LOT.