Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Libra: It looks as though the next year of your life will be highlighted by personal relationships, emotional perspectives on life and by physical well-being. To make sure all goes well, take actions to make things happen, even if that means saying, “I didn’t say it was all your fault. I only said I was blaming you.”
Scorpio: The Universe is full of great mysteries that boggle the mind: the Bermuda Triangle; why they gave Hemingway electro-shock therapy; why whales beach themselves; the fame of Ashton Kutcher; the power of money. But the last one need not be. All it asks is that you respect where it comes from and appreciate where it goes. The Stars say now is a perfect time to assess your finances, for they should start getting better ratings than “Two and a Half Men.”
Sagittarius: Lao Tzu wrote that we find by not seeking, which so far hasn’t helped locate Clouds’ copy of Lao Tzu’s book. The Stars say that spiritual and alternative aspects of life will be finding you. So your words of wisdom come from the very late Lao Tzu: “Fail to honor people, they fail to honor you.”
Capricorn: The Stars report that in your life for the next few weeks you’re going to be so on the go that your role model should be a Sherpa. So be sure to pack a bag with some essentials like a cell phone, notebook, breath mints, travel mug, writing utensil, a copy of The Sheet, a fresh pair of socks, a Swiss Army knife and a hat — you can always go “commando.” Happy trekking.
Aquarius: To help you keep feeling toasty and contented while sitting around life’s campfire, feel free to start saying the following phrases: “I’m putting a puzzle together and you look like a hot piece.” “Laugh at your problems. Everybody else does.” “When in doubt, mumble.”
Pisces: Old issues will begin to rise to the surface like marshmallows in hot chocolate for the next several weeks. Don’t let this alarm you for if you remain calm and positive these issues will melt away like the aforementioned marshmallows. If you have any trouble with the taste of the whole thing, try adding whipped cream or Peppermint Schnapps.
Aries: It’s going to be a busy social month for you. So dust off your smile and encyclopedia of small talk. As an Aries you almost always have such things at the ready because you thrive on such occasions. Therefore your assignment is to just be the regular you, and not the you who needs to take a nap or extract revenge.
Taurus: If you could go camping anywhere in the world where would you choose? If a Genie granted you three wishes, what would be your third wish? What super power would you most like to have? What’s #7 on your “Bucket List?” Within each question lie answers, as well as vowels, pronouns and that sort of thing.
Gemini: Work will take center stage in your life now. Sometimes hard work requires us to be tough and make difficult decisions. So remember that it’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you’re not — unless the person who wants to love you for who you’re not is willing to heavily bribe you.
Cancer: There are those who believe that friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Others believe that the reason friends argue is because it gives them an opportunity to help one another heal. Some believe that while you can pick your friends and you can pick you nose, you can’t pick your friend’s nose. All of these people are right; although the nose pickers are the most right.
Leo: In order to help you embrace success in a positive way, your new anti-hero is fellow Leo, Martha Stewart. Stewart’s made a fortune telling people to decorate and entertain with class, but she used to make her only daughter, Alexis, wrap her own Christmas presents, would turn all the lights out and pretend she wasn’t home on Halloween and likes to pee with the door open — although that one’s just a classic Leo-esque trait.
Virgo: You are going to be so in tune with others over the course of the month that you’d be a perfect host for “Love Connection.” But this doesn’t mean you’re allowed to tell people you’ll be back in “two and two” every time you go tinkle. It does, however, mean your words of wisdom come from game show host great Chuck Woolery: “May all your dates be good ones.”
