Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: Creative visualization is not only a best selling book by Shakti Gawain, but it’s also the key to your contentment. The Stars say you should make some time to visualize your ideal life. Both Clouds and the Stars say they’ll do all they can on their ample ends to help you out, so long as you promise to include at least two random acts of kindness and one random act of nudity.
Sagittarius: If you don’t think that love can move a mountain than apparently you’ve haven’t lived in Mammoth very long and don’t know about Dave and Roma McCoy. Therefore, your assignment is to spend some time studying local history and try reading some Rumi: “Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.”
Capricorn: With Uranus migrating through your sign, it’s only natural that you’ll get an itch—to move that is. They key to any such move will be to find (or stay in) a community you click with. If you get any other odd itches, try hydrocortisone cream.
Aquarius: All you really have to do to be happy is to learn to own your life. You know, take full glorious—and occasionally inglorious (like that time you farted in front of you-know-who)—responsibility for it all. After all, ownership is empowering. Plus, every single one of us is an absolute freak anyway, so how dare we think any less of you for being one, too.
Pisces: Studies have shown that cough syrup is actually useless because it doesn’t contain enough actual medicine to fight off a cough. It’s all about placebos anyway, as you are the only one that can really heal you. Unless, that is, you get run over by a lovestruck water buffalo, in which case you’ll be thankful for modern medicine/pain killers.
Aries: Aries are at their best when they’re sharing love, even if they sometimes don’t believe in such tomfoolery. To remind you not to be so foolish, your new role models are the late Yeagers, Gordon, 94, and Norma, 90. After 72 years of marriage the two died while holding hands in an Iowa hospital last week. No reports on whether or not the happily married couple was holding anything else.
Taurus: Statistics show the more often someone uses words like “I” or “me” in conversation the more likely they are to have a heart attack or other similar health problems. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to stop using words like “I” and try using other words like “we.” As in, “What do you say we go naked hot tubbing?”
Gemini: Since Geminis have a tendency to say and sometimes do things they probably shouldn’t, your anti-hero for the week is fellow Gemini, Hank Williams, Jr.. The legendary singer got kicked-off Monday Night Football for saying this summer’s so-called golf summit between President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner was one of the biggest political mistakes ever. “It would be like Hitler playing golf with (Israeli leader) Benjamin Netanyahu,” he told Fox News. While such talk gets usually gets you you’re own show on Fox, they don’t carry MNF so we’re all screwed and can’t listen to that kick butt song every week anymore. Therefore, try not to be “That Guy/Girl.”
Cancer: Studies have shown that in order to maintain a healthy brain as we age, it helps to do things like read novels, regularly drink coffee or tea, don’t drink too much booze, keep a journal and don’t watch too much TV. Clouds would like to add that another key to keeping your brain happy is to keep in mind that that’s where your libido lives.
Leo: It looks like the Stars are telling you to curb your ego, while still feeding your drive. To help you find the smoothest path, try not to let your emotions get the better of you and make sure there isn’t a conversation about you like this one from 30 Rock: “I tried calling but no one answered. Did you try the mistress? Yes. Did you try the ‘manstress?’”
Virgo: India is considered a to be a religious mecca for many reasons, and here’s another one: the country is home to over 500 laughing clubs—groups of people who get together regularly to do nothing more than laugh. Therefore, your lesson for the week is: If you can’t laugh at yourself, you just don’t get it, which also cuts down on you getting any.
Libra: The reality is that all you really have to do is ask for what you love—preferably in detail—and you’re sure to find it and it will find you (or a worthy replacement). The real challenge is creating a happily ever after. Of course, you can always just pay extra if all you want is a happy ending.
