Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Scorpio: Scorpios sometimes need to be reminded that they have much to be thankful for. And one of the things Scorpios are going to be very thankful about over the next year is heavy doses of joy in familial relationships. To help, remember that there’s nothing you can’t do, especially since your classic Scorpio mantra is: “Good Lord, please forgive my enemies, even if the SOBs deserve a hot lava enema!”
Sagittarius: What the good people of this sign should be thankful for is this: a thin grasp on reality. You see, Archers (that’s your symbol) are usually happy just to hit the target. If you hit the bullseye, great, but it’s tough to be great if you’re willing to settle for barely getting by. Therefore your new anti-motto is: “Instead of reaching for awesome, I usually settle for some.”
Capricorn: Since November is the month to give thanks, it would be a good time to work on being thankful. After all, Christmas is just around the corner now, which means Santa is checking his list … and you don’t want to be in the naughty column. You DO, however, want to be in the naughty column on Clouds’ list, so get after it!
Aquarius: Real love does demand a few things, and one of them is near constant gratitude, especially during those moments when you feel like telling your loved ones to take a long walk off a short pier. To help you be more thankful, remember what you give is a big part of what you get and listen to some Ruthie Foster: “Know true love without hesitation. Treat your love, treat your lover like a celebration.”
Pisces: Even though it seems impossible at times, it is true — everything always happens for a reason and usually happens for the best. So we should be more thankful. To help see this all you have to do is believe it — and maybe take it easy on the Boone’s Farm and Bacardi.
Aries: The one thing you need to be thankful for is patience. That’s because Aries tend to treat patience the way kindergartners treat piñatas. But patience prefers to be treated more like a lady. To help, try befriending patience, which means don’t say things such as: “Patience isn’t a virtue. It’s a waste of time.”
Taurus: First, there’s no such thing as certainty. Second, all we really have is opportunity. Basically, that’s really it in a nutshell, assuming you can cram two small sentences into a nutshell. Some say Clouds is a nut case, and those people would be correct. But this world is really just a big nut house … some of us are salty, some covered in chocolate, and we all seem to be best served mixed.
Gemini: Here is a random list of things Geminis can be thankful for (and if this doesn’t work, Clouds doesn’t know what will!): Puppies, Slush Puppies, Hush Puppies, Christopher Moore novels, Michael Moore documentaries, Roger Moore’s Bond Girls, sunshine, moonshine, mooning, free love, cheap love, any real love we can get our little paws on.
Cancer: Since having healthy emotional relationships is extremely important to Cancerians, Clouds is passing along some relationship advice from kids. From 9-year-old Anita: “It’s better for girls to be single, not boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” From 10-year-old Alan: “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Leo: The Stars say this is the perfect time for you to do something fun and special with loved ones. You know, make a memory that you’ll be thankful for your whole life — or at least until Alzheimer’s kicks in. Gingko Biloba is supposed to help with memories. You have all the help you need to make them.
Virgo: Love isn’t simply a four-letter word; rather it’s more like an attitude or, when you’re doing things right, an action. So if you need more love in your life (and who doesn’t?) try being thankful for any action you get, and be more like tough actin’ Tinactin and do something (or someone) about it.
Libra: Since people often get depressed during these late fall months, Clouds would like to help you avoid such unnecessary ailments. Therefore, remember that depression, just like happiness, French fries or a salad, is a choice. Make sure you only get melancholy as a side dish, not an entrée.
