Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: The Whole Foods market chain recently announced that in select locations they’re going to start carrying a product called “Kickass Cupcakes.” The makers of the all-natural product ask people to “think about cupcakes in new ways.” Clouds would like you to apply this philosophy to your own life, especially the parts you don’t appreciate enough. And since life is really just a big cupcake anyway, you might as well embrace your inner muffin top.
Capricorn: In case you’re feeling a little unfocused or out of sorts right now, bear in mind that Mercury has gone retrograde again and things are bound to get as wonky and wobbly as a hobbit who drank too many hop-filled beverages. To help, your words of wisdom come from Capricorn great, J.R.R. Tolkien: “Those who wander are not necessarily lost.”
Aquarius: The Stars report that this would be a good time to assess your personal values. You know, the attitudes you have toward money, your sense of self-worth and how you value creativity. Basically, it’s time to shake up the snow globe of your life and see if you like how the whole scene shakes out.
Pisces: One the most important things to remember about life is that it’s never about the destination. In fact, it’s really about the journey — unless, that is, your destination is the Playboy Mansion or the Clocktower Cellar, in which case feel free to completely ignore the first half of this Horrorscope.
Aries: Making sense of interplanetary relationships is the art form of astrology. Sizzling-up interpersonal relationships and individual lives is the art form of ass-trology, which is Clouds’ specialty. Now that this has been cleared up, your assignment is to go find some mistletoe and chase people around with it.
Taurus: Since the Stars say your love life has taken a turn for the better, Clouds thought it was about time you learned about the three roadblocks to love: 1) Comparing your new love interest to an old one. Next) Worrying about the other’s former lovers, flings or “home movie” career. Finally) “Hot Boxing,” aka passing gas while you and your partner are in a small, enclosed space such as a Prius, which is only allowed after you’ve both said the L word.
Gemini: Twin-signers are considered the ideal (so long as they don’t become too full of themselves), because they tend to be intelligent, adaptable and communicative. Now that you’ve been armed with this info go forth with hope and confidence. Just try to keep your ego from getting so big it needs its own zip code.
Cancer: Since the good people of this sign are at their best when bear-hugging love, your words of wisdom come from the self-proclaimed “greatest lover in the world,” Don Juan De Marco: “There are only four questions of value in life: What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love!”
Leo: According to the Stars, you should have lots of positive and creative energies flowing through your life for the near future. To make the most out these, try to only surround yourself with positive and creative people. Leave the company of any other types as soon as possible, and especially before you say something such as: “The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.”
Virgo: The Stars suggest it is a good idea for you to pencil in some “Me Time” over the course of the next couple weeks. In fact, don’t use a pencil, go ahead and put it in ink. To help, here are some words of wisdom from fellow Virgo, Greta Garbo: “Life would be so wonderful if we only knew what to do with it.”
Libra: The key to a happy and fulfilled life is to not pass judgment on others, or even on yourself. All you can really do is try to be the best Libra possible, which is happy, helpful, hopeful and horny. And whatever you do don’t fret about money. As the old saying goes: “No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.”
Scorpio: Mars rules both Aries and Scorpio. While this certainly doesn’t mean that the people of these signs can’t occasionally enjoy a Snickers Bar, Junior Mints or an Oh Henry! every once and a while, it does mean that, both in and out of the bedroom, you Scorpios usually love passionately, often overstrain yourselves and are capable of enormous success in both places. So quit your complaining; it just assures problems are remaining.
