Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: Even someone really anal, such as baseball player Derek Jeter, admits that no one is perfect. Heck, he dumps gals by giving them signed baseballs, which he accidentally did twice to one gal. Since tact and compassion are two traits the Sagittarians could usually use a little help with, try to walk a mile in someone else’s athletic supporter this week.
Capricorn: To help you make the most out of this powerful time of the year, your new attitude shall come from the former Commander in Chief himself, a Cancerian named George W. Bush: “I am a pit bull on the pant leg of opportunity.” Of course you could always hit the eggnog hard and select another “Bushism” such as, “They mis-underestimated me.” Or there’s always, “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”
Aquarius: As an Air Sign, personal relationships are very important to Aquarians, especially friendships. This also means that sometimes you folks can be a bit too intense or melodramatic for some. But the truth of the matter is, others are turned on by your intensity so long as it doesn’t involve you intensely hurling things — i.e. curse words, insults or folding chairs — at them.
Pisces: It looks as though the next few weeks should be full of connecting with family and friends, both old and new. To help assure everything goes swimmingly, be sure to stop doing anything that might get out of hand (keg stands or driving after pounding a few Jagerbombs) before it makes you break out in spots, or sends you to spots such as the ER, behind the wheel of the Porcelain Bus or the back of a cop car.
Aries: Since this sign tends to produce great wordsmiths, it would be a good idea for you to do more writing in your life, excluding IOUs. The good news is this writing in a journal or elsewhere will help relieve stress and gain clarity on your dreams. Plus, “sexting” counts for partial credit!
Taurus: One of the most interesting things about life is that sometimes, just when it seems as though your dreams are making about as much progress as chickens learning to drive a stick shift, the Universe will throw you a bone. Since these breaks in life usually resemble wishbones, trying making a wish and giving it a good yank.
Gemini: To help stimulate both sides of your creative Gemini soul, here are your new truths as the year comes to a close: You can’t teach an old dog new math. The love you give is the love you get — so always include a “Happy Ending!” There’s a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else and sometimes it’s best to wrap that line in a Fruit Roll Up.
Cancer: This week Clouds reminds you that the universe is always giving you hints and directions. For example, it’s usually a sign from Heaven if you’re in the kitchen with someone you’ve got a crush on, and one of you says something as seemingly innocent, and mouthwatering, such as, “I’d be happy to wrap some bacon around your scallops.”
Leo: With good news headed your way like Santa towards a plate of cookies, it’s probably time you learn a new celebratory move. Sure, strutting is nice, and hollering out ,“Yeeaahhaawww! You sons of biatches!” certainly has its place. But Clouds is thinking more along the lines of Tebowing, since you’ll likely be thanking your lucky stars.
Virgo: Towards the end of each year there’s a ceremony in New Mexico where they burn down a man called Zozoba. It’s a 50-foot high boogey man that people fill up with divorce papers, rejection letters, IOUs, even sticky notes telling someone to go eat boogers. This would be a good time for you to plan a similar event and get rid of any negative stuff holding you back.
Libra: Clouds’ personal life is filled with Libras of all ages. That’s because Libras are ruled by Venus and therefore they naturally love and are drawn to beauty. This is great so long as it doesn’t become obsessive. To help, here’s a barely applicable quote from former President Bush: “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”
Scorpio: Impossible though it might seem, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let go of any anger instead of holding onto it like a family heirloom. It might be, but it’s not the good kind of heirloom you want to display on the mantle. Anger is more like the kind you want to burn in the fireplace while dancing around naked.
