Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: Please give the following Christmas gifts to yourself: 1) At least one hug per day. 2) An object that you can easily carry around that makes you feel empowered to pursue your dreams. 3) A t-shirt in your lucky color of purple that says: “That’s right, I’m a Sagittarian. I’m like a Tractor Beam of Hotness.”
Capricorn: Here are your gifts for the different holidays this year. For Kwanzaa, it’s the arrival of the harvest for your efforts. For Hanukkah, it’s a snippet from Chaim Potok: “Every man who has shown the world the way to beauty, to true culture, has been a rebel.” And for Christmas, it’s good will towards man, especially towards people you’d just as soon give “The Bird” to.
Aquarius: Your power flower is the Orchid, which makes a great, albeit temperamental, gift. Your Gem Stone is Amethyst not to be confused with the “Gem State,” which is where potatoes come from. And since Aquarians tend to be loyal and devoted, but fickle in the heart and sack, try working on turning your inner spark into a blowtorch more often. It’ll make you both happier and sleepier.
Pisces: To assure that you tap into your true power and potential next year, your holiday gifts to yourself for the year should include: a couple of great novels, a Chia pet, some underwear that you feel sexy in and the necessities for an outdoor activity you can do in almost any weather; stuff like running or snowshoeing (also known as walking), fly fishing, bird watching or streaking.
Aries: On the first day of Christmas a true love shall give to you—hopefully anything other than a partridge in a pear tree because pear trees don’t do very well in this climate, and neither do birds for that matter. No, you’d be better off with something made out of Iron since it’s your lucky metal and the kind of stuff your will is made of.
Taurus: To help you make the most out of this festive, social time of year, your holiday gifts will be a few odd facts to help you seem witty during conversations: 1) Fortune cookies were actually invented in America. 2) Money is made mostly out of cotton. #) Women blink twice as often as men. 69) It only takes two to make sweet whoopee!
Gemini: “Lobster, Tails and Beer” isn’t just an example of confusing punctuation; they’re also three of Clouds favorite things in life. Since your holiday gift should include some travel, here are three places where Geminis should find what they like: San Francisco, London and Belgium.
Cancer: Please give the following Christmas gift to yourself: a reason for some real belly-aching laughter. You should repeatedly open this gift whenever you’re felling stressed, bummed out or have accidentally overheard part of a Republican Presidential debate.
Leo: After several years of feeling like you’ve been grounded like Maverick after he buzzed tower one too many times, Clouds is delighted to report that the Stars have cleared you for take off. To make the most of this, try watching the Blue Angels video for Van Halen’s song “Dreams.” Or at least play some air guitar and sing along, “Standin’ on broken dreams. Never losing sight. Oh, well just spread your wings. We’ll get higher and higher straight up we’ll climb.”
Virgo: Virgos tend to be worriers, but worrying is about as useful as boobs on a bull, unless uncomfortable bowels and worry lines as deep as the Grand Canyon are your goals. If these are your goals, please be sure to give yourself the holiday gift of loving and accepting yourself. Better yet, try loving and accepting the other people in your life for the seemingly carefree, irresponsible and sometimes foul-smelling slobs we are.
Libra: To give yourself the ultimate gift, a non-contentious and yet still smoking hot love life, please memorize these relationship quotes: From Patrick F. McManus: “One of the secrets of a long and successful marriage is shared ignorances.” From Dr Joyce Brothers: “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
Scorpio: The Stars say now would be a good time to start writing down your goals for 2012. So that should be your Christmas gift to yourself. After all, the hardest part about getting what you want out of life is figuring out just exactly what that is. If one of your wishes turns out to be “I wish I had a river I could skate away on,” you may be listening to too much Joni Mitchell.
