There are 4 teams left, playing for the AFC and NFC titles, and a shot at Super Bowl immortality … and I hate all of them for different reasons. Who do I hate the least, you ask?
1. Baltimore Ravens. Being a Steelers fan, EVERYONE should know by now why I hate these guys. And all I hear is how great Ray Lewis is (that should be WAS) and how Joe Flacco has won more games in his first 4 years than any QB in NFL history. Let’s be clear: Flacco has won those games with the benefit of a very good defense, not because he’s Flacco. Let’s get serious. Flacco is saying that IF they won the game against the Texans no one would give him credit for it anyway. Bitching about disrespect as a QB? Really? Then he goes out and plays a terrible game. He has never impressed anyone as a great QB and he is constantly begging for praise. And he backs it up by playing like a bum. I for one don’t want to see the Ravens and Flacco win.
2. San Francisco 49ers. Can’t stand the Niners. And Alex Smith? I have to give him credit for holding out as long as he has without self-destructing. Coach Jim Harbaugh is just plain arrogant. I can’t wait to see them meet some adversity and watch Harbaugh implode. It is coming. Just wait. Don’t want to see them win either.
3. New England Patriots. Boy, do I hate the Pats, the whole “genius” thing and all the Ron Gronkowski worship. The Pats have a terrible defense all the sports pundits keep trying to prop up. I hate ‘em, but I do hope they beat the Ravens.
4. New York Giants. And I hate the Giants. Don’t like QB Eli Manning or Coach Tom Coughlin. But I have to give them credit for their running game. They are hot at the right time. And As much as I hate Eli, I admit he’s showing skill in the playoffs. That is when you have to step up. And I know a bunch of you will laugh at this, but I would rather have Eli than Peyton. Peyton is not good in the clutch, and at least Eli is on his game. Peyton’s playoff performance record really sucks. Even when the Colts won the Super Bowl, Peyton shouldn’t have been MVP. All things considered I hope the Giants win the Super Bowl this year.
That ain’t saying much with this group of teams, but it’s what we’re left with, so might as well make the best of it.
Tebow. Enough. Thank goodness. The Pats rolled him like a cigar. And watching the game is what you have seen the whole season: he was terrible. Difference was the Pats didn’t give him a chance for a comeback. They completely dominated him and showed unless you are fumbling all over yourself, Tebow can’t beat you. There is no way the Broncos go into next year with that same offense and him running the show. Of course, now they’re saying Tebow had a rib injury and bruised lung and … blah, blah, blah. Uh-huh. Yeah, right …
And that’s exactly what I was saying just a few weeks ago. He cannot continue to play QB like that in the NFL and survive. I heard how big and tough he is and how he has GOD himself on his side. Whatever. Big Ben Roethlisberger is bigger than Tebow and even Ben’s done now. He is so beat up and he can’t even run. Tebow is in harm’s way every play and he WILL NOT LAST as QB. The Broncos should trade him tomorrow to Miami or Jacksonville or whoever will take him. If he won’t switch to FB/TE he has to go. Enough already.
The St. Louis Rams hired Jeff Fisher. You know what that means? It means the fans should be livid. Because the Rams are admitting they have been so bad for so long that mediocrity is now their goal. And mediocrity is just what they get with Fisher. The Rams are assuring themselves of a bunch of 8-8 seasons, and very predictable and boring performances. Fisher has already coached somewhere else for 17 years and has just 6 winning seasons. Fisher is considering his offensive coordinator position right now, and his leading candidate is Kurt Schottenheimer from the New York Jets. Wow, that instills such thoughts of a high-powered, exciting offense! NOT! I will say one thing, Sean Payton was once the offensive coordinator for Bill Parcells and their offense sucked, so maybe, just maybe Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez are making Schottenheimer look bad. But really, is anyone excited about a Fisher-Schottenheimer pairing, anyone other than Ryan? What a joke. Why can’t teams go out and find a good, new coach, even someone up-and-coming? If I had season tickets, I’d get a refund.
The New Orleans Saints should forfeit any future road playoff games. They are a disaster on the road. They were coughing up the ball to the 49ers like it was hair stuck in a cat. It was terrible to watch. And they let Alex Smith eat them up. A hint to the Saints defense: the Niners have one WR and it is their TE, Vernon Davis. You might want to cover him with someone whose number is less than 50. A LB should not be covering him every play. Idiots.
Ah, the Green Bay Packers. Frankly, I enjoyed watching them lose. They were too arrogant for their own good. Aaron Rodgers and that smug look on his face … it was really getting to me. Smile now, you cocky jackass. And all season hearing the experts say how they were UNBEATABLE. That was disturbing, especially while they were giving up 30 points a game. I told you they couldn’t keep doing that and expect to hang in. Now all the experts are talking about how vulnerable the defense was. Really? Ya think? Why weren’t those “experts” saying that when they were calling them ONE OF THE BEST TEAMS IN HISTORY? The Packers WERE the IDEAL FRANCHISE a few weeks ago and NOW they have glaring deficiencies? I love it. The experts are puppets. They’ll say anything with right hand up their butts.
Back to Tebow. CBS wants to hire him to be an analyst for the playoffs. Really? Hold on I need pour some Wild Turkey for this one. What right does Tebow have being an NFL analyst? Picture Tebow analyzing Alex Smith’s collapse and saying, “See, right here Alex needs to go through his progressions. He needs to see this safety and the two deep coverage and quick pump the safety and move him with his eyes and hit his third read for the TD. He read that all wrong.” Or Tebow saying, “See, right here, Smith needs to let this pass go as soon as the WR makes his break. He needs to anticipate and have a quick release.” His great analysis of the Patriots would be, “I know the Patriots can’t run the ball or stop the run, but as long as they believe in Jesus, abstinence and, most importantly, ME, they can win. But Belichick is evil and Tom Brady has kids out of wedlock, so they are unholy and destined to lose.” Tebow? An analyst? I’m just amazed.
Back to the Patriots. Why is Aaron Hernandez, a TE, running the ball out of the backfield and leading the team in rushing? Belichick’s trying to prove he is smarter than everyone else it is just sickening. So when someone blows him to smithereens, what will he say?
As for the Steelers, Roethlisberger doesn’t want the offense or offensive coordinator changed. And both are areas something the Steelers should consider changing. Cuz the “star” QB falls apart and scores about 9 points a game the last 5 games of the season and is a disaster as a pocket QB, and the offensive coordinator is clueless. It’s simple, really. Fire the offensive coordinator, and the QB … both of them.
Dallas Cowboys WR Dez Bryant in trouble again, and mark my words WILL go down as one of those “HE COULD HAVE BEEN SO GREAT” NFL stories. Bryant is a mental midget. He’s supremely talented, but will never grow up. He has millions (in part because he never paid back the illegal jewelry loans he got before ever entering the NFL) and feels it’s necessary to fight with police and so on. He will never amount to anything.
NY Jets RB LaDainian Tomlinson said the Jets’ situation was the worse he has ever been around. WR Santonio Holmes and QB Mark Sanchez don’t like each other apparently. Some Gomer Pyle here: “SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!” And Holmes is the captain? HAH!
Outside the NFL …
Tebow is being dogged for not announcing which Republican he endorses. Hold on, need to switch from Wild Turkey to Ever Clear grain alcohol for this one. Who cares who Tebow endorses? Well, I suppose teh Republicans do, courting the right-wing religious fanatical idiots and they can ride him for a huge number of MORON votes. Which Republican candidate does Tebow endorse? Himself.
Another shark attack in Australia. Again, I don’t feel sorry for the guy. If you swim in Australia, you know what can happen. But the funniest thing to me was that there were dozens of witnesses to the attack and 500 other people still in the water, too. Hilarious. There are that many people waiting to serve themselves up for a shark buffet, but the Aussie press says that fatal attacks there are “rare.” Yep. Only 27 people have died in the last 22 years. That’s all? How that “rare?”
The porn industry is threatening to leave Los Angeles. Why? The city is trying to pass an ordinance that requires EVERY ACTOR to wear a condom. Sorry, but I can’t stop laughing. I have watched people walk down the streets of LA drinking and smoking weed. There are prostitutes everywhere. There are gangs, drugs and anything else you could imagine. But they are going to mandate condoms on porn stars. Hilarious. I hope the porn industry does leave. I am putting together a proposal for the Economic Development Alliance in Port Orchard, Wash., to bring more industry to our area. Seems like a gold mine to me. Maybe it will bring some beauty to this gray, dull, moss-covered graveyard. Then again, given a lack of sunshine, a bunch of pasty white, moldy porn stars will probably drive the industry elsewhere. The world will accept only so much GOTH porn.
Snowmageddon. All I heard for several days was the WINTER STORM coming to our area, the worst storm in years. Snow will fall, winds will blow and the roads will be a disaster. Brace yourself. So I get up this morning and head to work. It’s cold, and the snow is about 5-6 inches deep. No big deal. Then I hit the road and there isn’t a snowplow in sight. The main and side roads are covered. Why? So they can talk on the news for a week? They had half the news media warning, “Dress your kids in layers, warm clothes. Only let one kid on a sled at a time.” But the day we all need to get to work there’s not a snowplow anywhere. Now, I have a big old Titan truck, so I really don’t care, but not everyone who works for me does. News flash: put some plows on the road, you morons!
Oh, by the way. I am headed to work in the snow and ice and people are driving 4 miles an hour, and I noticed that what was the busiest businesses on were all Naked Coffee shops. Folks were struggling to get to work, but they were stopping at the topless drive-thru coffee shops. Hilarious. I had to laugh. Makes me wish I drank coffee.
And finally … “American Idol” started this week. I always love the first few weeks. But Steven Tyler’s first major screw up was only a half-hour into the first show. He is meeting the father of one of the contestants. She’s a 6-foot blonde, slim. She is the daughter of former baseball pitcher Joe Magrane. Tyler tells the father the city he is from — St. Louis — is “HOT, HUMID AND HAPPENING … JUST LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER.” His daughter, Shannon, is 15! I couldn’t stop laughing. You should have seen the Daddy Magrane’s face. I bet you the father has been guaranteed his own room on the “American Idol” set and constant video surveillance to make sure that old pervert Tyler and his claymation face are nowhere his daughter. I would have just punched Tyler in the face and responded, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”