Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: Here are a few more gifts for you to help you celebrate your latest birthday: 1) Good friends are like bras: they’re close to your heart and they give you support. Deux) The best advice is to follow your own. III) Never be “That guy/girl.”
Aries: Since several signs are having a hard time of things right now, the Stars kindly ask if you wouldn’t mind extending one of your calm and caring hands to a friend in need. Keep in mind, though, that while a friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed can be an extra special friend. Just be sure you bring Doritos.
Taurus: Your tips for life this week are “ripped from the headlines,” and should be stuck on the fridge. They are as follows: In life you can either be the side effect or you can be the cure. You can’t have a comeback without a setback. Eating foods high in vitamin B12 makes you feel happier. Two wrongs don’t make a right … they make a moron.
Gemini: In honor of the recent passing of Whitney Houston your words of wisdom will come from the late singing great: 1) “I decided long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow If I fail, if I succeed at least I did as I believe.” 2) “Even in a man’s world, men can’t wear dresses, but we can wear the pants.” C) “Crack is whack.”
Cancer: With Mercury going retrograde for the rest of the month, you might feel as though stress has you squeezed like acorns in a hungry squirrel’s mouth. Remember to catch yourself before you do something or someone you might regret. To help keep your wits, try picturing something odd, such as old people trying to play hacky sack or what Justin Bieber would be like if he were a male.
Leo: The Stars would like you to remember this: when you shine, they shine. Clouds would like you to remember this: whenever you shine somebody’s booty, you’re bound to get yours shined and waxed in return. Therefore, your mission for the week is not to lose sight of the big picture. Besides, staring at those little pictures on your cell phone is bad for your eyes.
Virgo: With Mercury going retrograde soon you might start to become frustrated with your life. That’s because you’re ready for some change, but it isn’t time yet. Stay strong and don’t worry. You’ll know when your time has arrived because that little voice inside of you will start giggling like Ernie on “Sesame Street” does when Bert is being a pill.
Libra: You’re probably feeling some strain in both work and family relationships right now. The key will be to remember that this too will pass, and that nothing puts the “x” in relax better than a session of mad, passionate monkey love. To help get some monkey business started, try whispering this line: “You make me think of dirty words.”
Scorpio: Many members of this sign are currently suffering from what’s referred to as “Woe-Is-Me” syndrome. Well, Clouds is here to tell you to get your feeling-sorry–for-yourself ass off the couch or bed or whatever it’s parked on, and get it moving again. Heck, don’t just it moving, get it giggling and bouncing like a kid on a dune buggy.
Sagittarius: You may be feeling like life has just handed you a great big can of Red Bull. But before you go wearing yourself out trying to start too many things at once, stop long enough to take a quick assessment and craft a reasonable game plan. Watering down that Red Bull with some ice and/or vodka should help.
Capricorn: For the next two weeks the Stars are going to ask you what you really want out of life. The key is to be as specific as possible. For example, don’t say, “I want to own a nice sports car and to find love.” Instead say something such as, “I want to own a Little Red Corvette and have a love that lasts longer than the new car smell does.”
Aquarius: With Mercury going retrograde, people might ask you for favors or help. How you handle these requests will eventually boomerang back to your life. So, work on both your throwing AND catching skills. The keys will be to use the open eye and to open your heart to those who need its strength. After all, such deeds are usually repaid 12-fold, and often include some “Rub Me Right” sessions!
