Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aries: In honor of your latest birthday, please give yourself the gift of a new, daily positive ritual—besides surfing the net for unmentionables. To help, here are a couple suggestions: 1) Stand in front of a mirror wearing nothing but a smile and say, “You are one smoking hot piece of booty!” B) Follow Wayne Dyer’s advice and make sure the last five minutes before you fall off to sleep are filled with positive and thankful thoughts.
Taurus: Here are your Clouds Rules for Life for the week: #1 The most important ingredient for great sex is love, followed by a wide assortment of pharmaceuticals and alcoholic beverages taken just slightly beyond moderation. #4 Thoughts become things. #6 Always be wary of anyone who says,” To be honest with you.” #64 Never let the bastards get you down!
Gemini: Since spring, especially this year’s, is a great time to find or enhance your love life, Clouds would like to pass along the following astrological facts about Geminis: Geminis make great fly fishers because the like to play catch-and-release in the dating pool. Geminis have the most luck swimming long-term with firm but fellow wandering Aries and fiery, sexy and funny Leos. Geminis need as much space/”Me Time” as they do spooning sessions.
Cancer: Since Cancerians make such wonderful lovers it’s always a shame when they have no one to share their love with, or they’re in dire need of an excuse to share some of their magical loving. To help with this, try out this line on whomever you’d like to love: “Did you know that Rock beats Scissors, Paper beats Rock and Hot Sex beats them all.”
Leo: The Stars are happy to report that life is on the upswing for Leos. If you’d like to start reaching for some of your life’s biggest dreams, now would be a great time to start. Heck, you could even draw them, write about them or papier-mâché them. If “papier-mâchéing my partner” is one of your dreams, you’re moving in the right direction.
Virgo: The Stars are saying that right about now your soul could use a new kind of secret sauce. For the record, your secret sauce can consist of anything from ketchup mixed with mayo to applesauce to spit-swapping with your favorite someone special. But whatever you do, make sure your special sauce doesn’t consist of “the sauce.” You’re a Virgo for crying out loud, the last thing you need is more booze.
Libra: Since your life may be a bit chaotic this week, please Keep Calm, Chive On and stay positive. To help, don’t put any of the following on your “To Do” list: 1) Find out who let the dogs out? 2) Figure out why most of things we worry about never happen. 3) Adopt the motto: “Wine, it’s how classy people get hammered.”
Scorpio: Your hero for the week is Illinois congressman, Bobby Rush. Rush was kicked out of the House chamber recently for wearing a hooded sweatshirt and declaring, “Just because someone wears a hoodie, doesn’t make them a hoodlum.” Therefore, your assignment for the week is to stop judging people by their looks, while feeling free to judge people for the stupid things they say when they’re drunk.
Sagittarius: The good news for Sagittarians is that your good days in April more than double the tough ones. The tough news for Sags is that the “Fast Forward” button for life doesn’t seem to be working right now. The great news, however, is that the Stars have managed to fix both the “Pause” and “Massage with a Happy Ending” buttons.
Capricorn: The Stars wanted to let you know that April may be a bit of a financial roller coaster for you. But since life is all about balance your key will be to remember that what goes down must come back up, especially if what went down was a scuba diver or too many shots of Yukon Jack.
Aquarius: In case things get a little chaotic this week as Mercury finishes up another retrograde cycle, please adapt these sayings: From The Fugees “I used to work at Burger King, a king taking burgers.” From Joel Osteen: “Setbacks become comebacks.” From various t-shirt manufacturers: “Biatch, Please!”
Pisces: To make sure your life sails on in happy fashion, here are your assignments for the week: Whistle the theme to “Don’t Worry Be Happy” whenever you’re feeling stressed. Go to your “Happy Place.” If it’s taken or you can’t find it, try San Luis Obispo, California, it’s supposed to be the nation’s happiest place to live.
