Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aries: With your ruling planet of Mars about to take a positive turn, it’s more important than ever to keep on trucking along — especially if you’re sharing the cab with co-workers who don’t pull their weight or have the attitudes of wet cats. The worm, as they say, has turned for you. But this doesn’t mean you’re allowed to drink a bottle of tequila down to the worm, at least not yet. There will be plenty of time for celebrating soon enough.
Taurus: The Stars say we’re approaching a great time to get social. A little effort will go a long way towards making new friends, both with and without benefits. The keys will be to remember one person’s weird is another person’s wonderful and this line from Oscar Wilde: “Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Gemini: With Mercury turning direct again you should start feeling as though your wallet isn’t just something for holding pictures and business cards. To help keep your monetary thoughts positive, try not to manage your dough like poet e.e. cummings, who once said he was living so far beyond his income that you could say the two were living apart.
Cancer: This is a good time for Cancerians to work on themselves. You know, rotate your spiritual tires, tune up your soul and give your heart a lube, oil and filter. For the record, there’s no Jiffy Lube for such things, so you’ll have to do most of the work yourself. Fortunately, life offers plenty of rewards for your good work. Clouds prefers beer and front rubs.
Leo: Since you’re so close to reaching some of the success you’ve long dreamt of, use this quote from Katt Williams to motivate you: “To all the students who dropped out or failed high school, remember two things: 1.) You tried your best. 2) I don’t like onions on my Big Mac.”
Virgo: In case you’ve forgotten, angels are real and they’re here to watch after you, cheer you on and guide you in subtle ways, like getting you stuck in traffic so you’re too late and don’t have to listen to some angry co-worker, spouse or UPS staffer. Just try not to ask too much of them when there’s an Angels baseball game on. They obviously love watching Albert Pujols hit.
Libra: Now that the latest Mercury retrograde has passed and life should once again flow a little easier, remain patient and positive. To help, here’s some wisdom from fellow Libra, e.e. cummings: 1) “I imagine that yes is the only thing living.” B) “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
Scorpio: Members of this sign are active, optimistic, world-renowned lovers, who make great partners in life or business so long as the Golden Rule for Scorpios is always followed: Don’t step on their fragile egos or break their hearts, unless you want to get your soul knocked sideways or your heart pulled out through your nose.
Sagittarius: Owls are considered the symbol for death and rebirth. They are said to help carry us from darkness into light. Since your personal relationships will be tight to start the month it would be a good time for you to become like an owl and help those you love see the light. This doesn’t mean, however, that you’re allowed to drive them crazy by continually asking, “Who, who, who?”
Capricorn: The Stars warn that you’re going to be tempted to spend money like a sailor on shore leave in Bangkok this month, but this isn’t the best time to be accruing debt. So instead of spending money, try focusing on free stuff, such as love and sunshine. To help, here’s a starter line: “Since the Dalai Lama says great love and great achievement require great risk, why don’t we trying getting a little risqué right now.”
Aquarius: Since friendships will play a big role in your life this month, here’s some friendship advice. From Ralph Waldo Emerson: ” The only way to have friends is to be one.” From ‘80s rap band, Whodini: “Homeboys through the summer, winter, spring and fall, then there’s some we wish we never knew at all. And this list goes on, again and again. But these are the people that we call friends.”
Pisces: You might not have known it, but this is the last sign in the zodiac. This means that Pisces are so in touch with other peoples’ needs and struggles, that they often forget about themselves. Therefore, your assignment is to make a list of your priorities in life, making certain you put “Me Time” before “lending money” or “vacuuming.”
