Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aries: Hey you! Yeah, the one who just flipped open another page of The Sheet. You can obviously read so read this: The only real kryptonite to an Aries is you. So it’s about time you jumped into a phone booth (even a metaphoric one), get into your super suit (being sure to admire yourself while changing) and get your mind pointed in a positive direction. Then start leaping tall buildings (aka obstacles in your life) like they’re Legos.
Taurus: With the ski season winding down, here are this season’s lessons: A) It takes more than snow alone to make us happy. It takes money and a healthy sex life. B) What do vacuums and snowboards have in common? They’re both often attached to dirt bags. C) Clouds is a snowboarder and a skier, which should help explain all the dirty references in these Horrorscopes.
Gemini: The Stars are warning you that there’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing hiding somewhere in your life; more than likely it’s someone you work with. So, be on guard, but don’t be so guarded that you get penalized for illegal use of the hands, emails or elbows to the “crotchular region.”
Cancer: To help your love life prosper this week, remember to accept what you cannot change, to not be afraid to love like your pants are on fire and to try this line: “Since they say ‘the third times a charm,’ it looks like we should go for a tripleheader.”
Leo: Although this might seem counterintuitive to you right now, especially since your work life is really working you over, this promises to be a great career year. All you’ve got to do is keep your nose to the grindstone and keep from sayings things such as: “I tried to see your point of view; I just couldn’t get my head that far up my butt!”
Virgo: In case you’ve forgotten what Faith is, it’s this: The courage to trust that everything that happens happens as it should and exactly when it should. The fact that it rarely makes sense to us at the time just goes to show that the Heavens have a great sense of humor; though that doesn’t explain why Ashton Kutcher is co-starring in “Two and a Half Men.”
Libra: One message the Stars are sending you this month is that you can’t do everything, or everyone for that matter. So you need to work on finding balance and not saying “No” too often. For, as they old saying goes, “When one door closes, there’s always some bimbo/bozo around to open another one.”
Scorpio: The Stars would like you to work on finding more compromise. As a reward for your work, feel free to get yourself into some compromising positions with whomever it is you like to compromise yourself with. To help, try this line: “I’m sorry but I’m a ‘Sapiosexual,’ which means I’m sexually attracted to intelligence, so please stop thinking such dirty thoughts.”
Sagittarius: Other people see Sagittarians as funny, positive and honest. To help you remember the importance of the first trait and the power of the second, Clouds is passing along the following “30 Rock” line: “The Italians have a saying: Lemon … ‘Keeps your friends close and your enemies closer.’ And although they’ve never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this case they’re right.”
Capricorn: According to studies, the percentage of Americans who say they’re in the “Have Not” category has doubled in the last decade. Since attitude is everything, Clouds would like to remind you that there’s only one way you could be part of that category: if you allow yourself to be; in which case, be sure to forget that miracles happen every day and enjoy flushing your life down the toilet. Just kindly turn the fan.
Aquarius: It looks like the best medicine for your life right now is to do what Aquarians do best and get social. Therefore, your musical theme for the month comes from the Talking Heads: “The less we say about it the better. Make it up as we go along. Feet on the ground. Head in the sky. That’s okay. I know nothing’s wrong.”
Pisces: Since Spring slack has started to drift across Mammoth like a stinky fart hot boxing a Subaru, this would be a good time to take your foot off the gas pedal of life. Therefore, your mellow-out mantra is the one shared by C students and governmental employees everywhere: “Mediocrity means never having to live up to the hype.”
