Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: The next year of your life begins with a birthday gift of lots of luck and promise. If you’re not feeling inspired, perhaps it’s time for a new motto. Maybe something like, “If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents and hit the bar!” Scratch that, how about, “You’ve got to believe if you’re gonna achieve.”
Gemini: Geminis tend to get so caught up in the moment that they sometimes forget to pay attention to their impacts upon other stuff like people, furniture, undergarments, the laws of gravity or karma. To help you become more aware and less regretful, try adopting this idea from author Ken Blanchard, “Humility doesn’t mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less.”
Cancer: You could go to the east to find your inner hemisphere. You could go to the west to find your outer hump-isphere. The key is to remember that you can always go anywhere you want — except to the supermarket on holiday weekends. But even though Cancerians make great travel partners, you tend to be happiest staying home and playing snuggle bunny with your favorite human Snuggie.
Leo: Blessings are springing up for Leos like daffodils after a long winter. To help you make the most out of it, please remember: Stop and smell them; that we’re all nutjobs in one way or another, and this line from fellow Leo, George Bernard Shaw: “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
Virgo: Being a practical, focused and analytical thinking Virgo, it wouldn’t hurt if you tried to see the lighter side of life a little more often. To help, try these: Always start paddling faster if you hear banjos and make this your new bumper sticker: “If you can read this I’m not impressed … most people can read!”
Libra: Since the Stars are saying you should be entering a period where you’ll be in sync with those closest to you, please make the most out of it by not telling them about all the people karma has missed so far. So your new silly saying is: “Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge!”
Scorpio: Scorpios are capable of great deeds when their minds and hearts are set straight. But when they’re feeling bitter, ignored or frustrated they can make some seriously boneheaded moves. Therefore, to keep you on the positive side, don’t let that nutty voice in your head distract you from loving the person you really are. And remember this line from National Lampoon’s Van Wilder: “Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand.”
Sagittarius: In honor of the recent passing of “America’s oldest teenager,” Dick Clark, your words of wisdom will come from the fellow Sagittarian: 3) “Age ain’t got nothing to do with how old you are.” 2) “Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?” 1) “If you fall down, get up and walk again. If you can’t walk, crawl. If that idea fails, have another one.”
Capricorn: With spring blooming like an onion at an Outback Steakhouse, your lucky country is Australia and your lucky food is anything cooked on the Barbie. It might also help if you accept this classic Cap line from fellow goat, Zooey Deschanel: “In an ideal world no one would talk before 10 a.m. People would just hug because waking up is really hard.”
Aquarius: This weekend will kick off a period in your life when you’ll be more primed for a new love or a deeper love connection. In fact, don’t be surprised if you feel like an invisible Chuck Woolery, host of the “Love Connection,” is following you around feeding you one-liners like: “I made a wish and you came true … only what happened to the furry handcuffs?”
Pisces: The good news for Pisces is that it looks like your finances should begin to start moving in the right direction. In case you’re wondering what direction that is, Clouds can’t say for sure, except to say that the right direction probably isn’t in the direction of an Amway representative, a casino or the box office for a Lady Gaga concert.
Aries: Aries are known for keeping their words and knocking their noggin on things. In case you’d like to try knocking something besides your noggin, here’s a serving of some wisdom A) If you want to build a better life, you’re going to have to get your hands dirty B) Honey badgers don’t give a crap. Q) You’re so gorgeous you put the vowels in Meee-ooow!
