Horrorscopes
Mammoth Outdoor Sports … Clouds’ new favorite shop (Photo: Geisel)
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: Since the people of this sign are born during the beginning of baseball and graduation seasons, here are a few rules to live by: There’s always room for ice cream. Nothing worthwhile is easy. Every picture of you is from when you were younger. And from fellow Taurus, John Muir: “Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.”
Gemini: To truly embrace the next chapter of your life you must do two things. One) Give it a catchy title, such as, “To Infinity and Beyond” or “When I finally realized how awesome I am.” 2nd) And adopt a new saying, perhaps one of these taken from the movie “Lost in Translation” … either “The more you know about who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you” or “I hope that you’ve had enough to drink. It’s going to take courage.”
Cancer: The Stars report that it’s time you started dreaming big. To help, here are a couple of examples. A big dream: “I dream of a world where I can have the spotlight shine on me like I’m a Kardashian.” Not a big dream: “I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned!”
Leo: Very soon now, life should start feeling easy like Sunday morning. As luck would have it, Sundays are your lucky days. And since this Sunday is, technically, the first day of the rest of your life, why not trying facing it with faith, humor and a big smile? Leos are, after all, known for their great smiles and for looking good wearing nothing but one.
Virgo: Home and loved ones continue to be a highlight. Of course the keys to a happy home life are usually acceptance (of yourself and others) and a well-stocked fridge (and bar). After all, no one is more important in helping us achieve our dreams in life than our family. That or they can also get us so pissed off that nothing will stop us.
Libra: The great thing about life is that it’s full of beginnings. To help make the most out of your latest commencement, here are some general truths: 1.) Regular naps prevent aging, especially when done while driving. 2.) Don’t chase anything but drinks and 3.) this one from author Chuck Palahniuk, “The best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good f@#$ing life.”
Scorpio: It looks as though some hard-earned success is close at hand, but still eluding you like greased pig at an Arkansas family reunion. Your words of wisdom about how to grab success like it’s bacon and you’re a BLT come from Tennessee Williams: “Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it. Success is shy; it won’t come out while you’re watching.”
Sagittarius: It looks like the frustration gauges for this sign are hovering between “Boil Over” and “Hangry.” But good news! Big changes are heading your way and you’ll soon feel like a youngster who just had a stinky diaper changed—lighter and better smelling. To keep you feeling light, enjoy this Cybill Shepherd line: “Just when I think you’ve gone as low as you can go, you find a basement door!”
Capricorn: Caps are usually reserved, disciplined and strategic people. These traits can prove invaluable so long as you always abide by the laws of karma—what we do to others comes back to us, usually tenfold—and you don’t follow the words of fellow Cap, basketball commentator Jeff Van Gundy: “It’s only paranoia if what you’re paranoid about isn’t true.”
Aquarius: Since Aquarians are independent, progressive and analytical people, Clouds thought that you’d appreciate the following advice from Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.” And that you’d laugh at this popular t-shirt saying, “I’m an Aquarius. What’s your excuse?!”
Pisces: Happiness and success, just like everything else in life, are choices, so choose your own advice from a fellow Pisces, Michelangelo, “Genius is eternal patience.” Billy Crystal, “To be good you need to believe in what your doing.” Or Drew Barrymore, “A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?”
Aries: You should be working on self-renewal right now. Luckily, most people are just like rechargeable batteries: all you’ve got to do is plug ‘em in for awhile and they get re-energized in no time. Be warned, however, that sometimes when people try to plug into each other, it only results in an energy drain and an embarrassing rash.
