Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Taurus: The Stars report that right now your strong intuition is your best asset, especially when it comes to finances. After all, if you can’t trust yourself, you might be schizophrenic, in which case be careful when self-medicating. For example, good self-medicating: self-love and lovemaking. Bad self-medicating: making love with random people you meet on the bus.
Gemini: For many college students, school is out for the summer. So this would be a great time for everyone in this sign to spend some time thinking about what you’ve learned so far this year. Here’s hoping you’ve learned more than how to do keg stands or that bong water doesn’t go well with cereal.
Cancer: Hands down, Cancerians are some of Clouds favorite people in the world, and it’s not just because they all look great in tight jeans or short-shorts — although that definitely helps. It’s because Crabs are at their best when they’re being real, open and honest. For as we all know, there’s nothing sexier than an honest person wearing nothing but a tight pair of short-shorts and a smile.
Leo: Social networking is being highlighted for you this month. You’re likely to meet someone who’ll change your life in a positive way, although these changes may not be felt for a while. Therefore, your assignment is be kind to strangers, even if the stranger cuts you off in traffic and yells something George Carlin-esque, such as: “You drive like old people hump: slow and sloppy!”
Virgo: Like all of us, sometimes Virgos feel unappreciated. So here’s a rundown of the inner thoughts of those that love you: Me without you is like Laverne without Shirley or a Shirley Temple without cherries. Us without you are like Philly cheese steaks without the cheese or buns! You are the perfectly plump-in-all-the-right-places mouth-watering Bratwurst to my sauerkraut.
Libra: One of Libra’s few shortcomings is that now and then you folks forget that it’s really the little things that make all the difference in life … and by little things Clouds doesn’t mean circus midgets. So seeing as how golf season is getting into full swing, your new mantra will be the old golf saying: “You drive for show, but you putt for dough.”
Scorpio: It looks as though your communication skills will be turned up to high for the next week, which should help at home and work. Therefore, any people of this sign looking to get a relationship started or rekindled, should have no trouble uttering great starter lines, such as, “People often say I’m an enigma, but really, I’m pretty easy to love — especially if you get me drunk first.”
Sagittarius: As a local Sag recently reminded Clouds, the key to success in life is simply accepting that you deserve it and then chasing after it like you caught it throwing rocks at your vehicle. The keys for this sign specifically are to always double-check your facts and not say something such as the following to a co-worker or partner: “Sometimes I think you can’t get any dumber, and then you surprise me.”
Capricorn: In honor of the passing of singer and fellow Cap Donna Summer, Clouds hopes you’ll upload some of her upbeat music into your life’s playlist. The selection of possibilities is as wide and sparkling as a disco ball and includes: “She Works Hard for the Money,” “Love to Love You Baby!,” “No More Tears (Enough is Enough),” and Clouds’ favorite, “Lookin’ for Some Hot Stuff, Baby, This Evening.”
Aquarius: Just in case you’ve forgotten that anything is possible (miracles, redemption, forgiveness, success, etc.), Billy “King of Kong” Mitchell once got a perfect score playing Pacman and many “Math Nerds” have memorized Pi. Maybe all that’s holding you back is a cool nickname. FYI: McStud Muffin has already been taken.
Pisces: Pisces should start to feel as though a load has begun to be lifted off their chests. While this 800-pound gorilla won’t leave you completely until later in the year, the great news is that it’s promised to carry more of its own weight, and to start pooping someplace else.
Aries: The Stars advise that this could be the perfect time to put some of your goals down in writing. Here’s a sample list: 1) Make enough money doing what I love to support myself. 2) Run a 5k in under a half an hour. 3) Make love more often, preferably with a partner, and for more than half an hour. 4) Quit (insert your least favorite addiction) without replacing it by becoming addicted to sniffing glue or Moon Pies.
