Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Cancer: The best part about being a Cancer is that your birthday coincides with the start of summer and America’s annual  “We rock!” bash, known as Independence Day. Therefore, your mantra for the year will be this week’s HorrorScopes theme as well: Freedom! Feel free to do your best “Braveheart” impression; just be sure to wear your kilt properly (wink, nudge).

Leo: Dear wonderful Leos: this much we know is true: #8) The best place to start making a change is with your underwear. Clouds recommends something silky and tear-able. #88) As Gandhi said, “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” #888) All you need to be successful is a positive — and an occasional kick-butt-and-take-names — attitude.

Virgo: Now that another professional basketball season has been slam-dunked, this would be the perfect time to pick another warm weather sport, such as hiking, swimming or drinking foofy drinks while pant-less. To help get you in a positive mindset, give the player side of you a funny nickname … just make sure it’s better than Metta “The Malice in the Palace” World Peace.

Libra: With summer now fully in gear, you’re probably feeling inspired to try something new. You might like to take a class, learn a new language or travel to some exotic locale, such as French Polynesia, the French Rivera or perhaps simply Reno. To help sort things out, remember this line from JFK: “Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.”

Scorpio: To help you feel inspired and in touch with your sexy side, your words of wisdom will come from one of Clouds’ all-time favorites, Marilyn Monroe: “I am involved in a freedom ride protesting the loss of the minority rights belonging to the few remaining Earth-bound stars. All we demanded was our right to twinkle.” Oh, and don’t forget that you were born to twinkle.

Sagittarius: Sagittarius is the sign of the archer. Therefore, the straight-shooting people of this sign make natural leaders. Naturally, the keys to being a good leader are hard work, putting your heart into it and treating others the way you want to be treated, ie not like a doormat.

Capricorn: With summer here, bringing wonderful scents of suntan lotion, freedom and hot dogs, it looks as though your personal life is about to get as warm and toasty as s’mores by the campfire. Here’s hoping that you have more chocolate than graham crackers and that your marshmallow doesn’t become a flying, flaming ball of goo headed straight for someone else’s Mommy-Daddy Button.

Aquarius: The Stars report that your work life will be full to start the summer, so if you’re going to enjoy any freedom later in the season, you’d best do what you’ve got to do now, even if it’s not popular with others. To help, repeat the following line from fellow Aquarian Adlai “I Don’t Give A Rat’s Hiney What You Think” Stevenson: “My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.”

Pisces: Since this is the time of year to let your hair down and get in touch with your inner strengths, your assignment is to dance a little everyday, with or without clothes. If listening to Jim Morrison’s music doesn’t help, his words might: “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

Aries: The Stars say that over the next couple of weeks clarity should come to your romantic life. If you’re already romantically involved it will either take a step up or a few steps towards the exit. If you’re looking to start a new relationship, try this line, “You know, if you Googled ‘Who gives a crap about me?’ I’d come up first.”

Taurus: Since laughter will be the key to your upcoming success, choose one of the following good luck sayings: A) “Some people say you can’t live without love. I think air, food and sex are more important.” B) “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” Q) “When everything’s coming your way, you might be in the wrong lane.”

Gemini: To help you have the guts and feel the freedom to accept yourself for the wonderfully unique/nuts person you are, your words of wisdom come from fellow Gemini, Paul McCartney: “I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird. I suddenly realized that anyone doing anything weird wasn’t weird at all and it was the people saying they were weird that were weird.”